What am I waiting for? Help!!!

[sammyj]

This is a bit of a long story, so get our your wine and a box of tissues

Firstly im a 26 year old guy...

December 2007 - I met my first love and current girlfriend in a hostel in Israel. I spent my entire vacation with her and we really hit it off. I had never had sex before, and I was really scared of even hugging her. Nonetheless during our vacation she hugged me and lay on my lap and sent me signals that she was interested. I was interested in her too and we both left home on an awesome note.

January 2008 to March 2008 - We online chatted for hours and hours and hours and shared alot of awesome conversation and both eventually expressed our love for each other, and finally decided to meet up in California to see if we had physical chemistry. (ya know...)

March 08 - Just before going, I admitted to her that I was a virgin, and that I was terrified of sex, she was a little thrown off by this, but she said it was ok BUT I had to know my body, I had to be the man, I had to understand each others roles. I was really thrown off by this cuz these words didnt mean anything to me, buuuuttt, I just went to California and hoped for the best. In the end, we had a fabulous vacation we had sex we basically made out the entire trip and close to the end of our vacation she suggested I move in with her in her home country. I was really madly in love with her, I said, yes, but, I need some time to get my affairs sorted.

April 08 to July 08 - We chatted even more often, we spoke for hours each day, sent loopy love letters and kinky texts, she kept bugging me when I was coming, and eventually I told her that I would come in July.

Before I get to the meat of the story, I think its important to state that I have lived with my parents up until this point and was going from them to her. My girlfriend was living alone for basically 10 years. So it was gonna be interesting for both of us. Oh yeah, Im 26, she is 31.

Now the Juicy part...

July 08 to May 09 - I moved to Austria from Canada with little more than my clothes and Computer, and the moment I moved in things already were strange. Immediately she already expressed to me how she cant always be close to me, and that she feels so much resistance when we kiss and when we have sex, and that she cant be herself in sex. The first couple of months were the hardest cuz I didnt have a job there yet, she was crying many nights, she expressed to me how she didnt even find me attractive, she needed to run away all the time, but still loved me, and loved when I held her close. In september I got job, and we both kind of adjusted to each other. All the months I have been here have been hard, but I feel like we have made tremendous progress as a couple. Slowly she enjoyed sex a little more, she enjoyed kissing a little more, and she even told me just recently that the relationship felt waaaaayyy lighter than it used to. However, she still felt throughout this whole ordeal that there was something "wrong" with our relationship. And I kept reassuring her a thousand times that I loved her, that I wanted her, that I wouldnt leave, but she still felt like she couldn't get too close.

Also a big part of the ordeal was about where we would go next year. She wanted to get out of Austria for many years, and obviously didn't muster up the courage to do it yet. To me, I dont care about living in Austria, I just wanted to be with her, so I happily agreed, and said I will find a home with her. When we leave in August 09 (we both teach so this seemed like the ideal time)

Long story short, eventually, she suggested I move out, and I agreed that this might make things easier on both of us, and she could have her space back, and perhaps than she could appreciate the time we had together instead of feelings like I was invading her all the time.

May 09 - I moved out. At things at first seemed to be easier on her but almost immediately she expressed to me that still things felt wrong. I suggested she take space for herself, and she denied it the first time. A week later she told me one day that she didnt want to talk to me but still loved me, and the following day she told me that she wants the space now. I first suggested a week, and she replied she wants 2. I said ok.

So...I bumped into her 2 days after the space thing (we live very close to each other) and we hugged and exchanged small talk. And I asked her out of curiosity what "our" status was. She said not good, but she doesnt want to decide until the 2 weeks is over.

I am madly in love with this girl despite everything. I have been there for her emotionally, and physically throughout this process. I have allowed her whatever space she wants.

The short story is that she has been saying yes and no to this relationship a thousand times, and cant make her mind up whether we are a couple. This is obvious to me, because I have suggested a thousand time that we work through this as a couple and figure out what we both need. But it seems like an impossibility with her. Basically she works on her issues alone, and I have to work on mine alone, and sometimes this makes it easier for us as a couple. But really I cant say we have worked on anything together as a couple.

I know she is a control freak, and certainly has intimacy issues. My guess here is that when we were living together she might have felt invaded, but at least felt in control of me. Now though, I am strong enough to live on my own, and I even recently made the suggestion that we stay here a little longer because I like it here, and she probably freaked. The way she puts it to me is that she feels like "its either she cares about me, or cares about herself" but she cant do both.

But seriously, please, someone tell me,what the hell is this? What does she want? What is her problem? Is there something that I am missing here? Should I be waiting out this 2 weeks? Should I be taking control of this somehow? Honest to God, I have no friggen clue what to do. I am just living with pain now, not being able to speak to her or call her, and I either want to be with her, or I want to start closure on this. Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[alovehangoverr]

To be honest, it doesn't sound like she wants this relationship at all-- and her saying things feel wrong, she needs space, she needs a break is her way of conveying that to you.

You've been with her for a while now.. if she really wanted this, she wouldn't constantly be back and forth on it.

As for you moving out.. it seems like you're moving backwards in the relationship and just closer to the end. I can understand that maybe she wasn't ready to live with someone [after living alone for so long and not being with you physically for a long time] but you've given her space, you've given her reassurances, where has it gotten you besides pushed out more?

[Rollerderby]

you moved across the world to be with her. No other reasons. That puts a lot of pressure on a relationship.

Sometimes when you travel, you have these intense short-term relationships with people because in the back of your mind you think there is no future.

So when you try to pursue a future, like this, in awkward steps, you get this recipe.

I think you were both too inexperienced to live together. You should have gotten your own apartment in the same city if you wanted to be with her. If you break up, will you go home or try to find your own way in Austria or Europe?

If you've never lived out of home before, now you have a great opportunity to go out on your own in a new continent and grow-up a little in the experiences department.

This girl sounds like she's not as into you as she thought, or the pressure for the relationship to be good was way too high. This is common.

[sammyj]

Yeah, its true what you are saying. I didn't get my own apartment because I wasn't ready to be alone. My guess is that my girlfriend felt really guilty about having me move across the world for her, and didnt suggest I leave until I was really ready. Its also true what you say about there being this pressure to have the relationship work, she has voices this to me many times about this exact pressure.

For me, I was sure that I would give myself over to this. For her obviously she was not.

I will probably stay here in the mean time if we break up. I have my job here, and like you mentioned its probably worth being here alone just for me to grow up a little. I already have learned alot from the experience, I just wish it wasnt this painful!

[sammyj]

Its funny. I was thinking about it a couple of weeks ago, I told her that it is very emasculating for me to have her reject me in sex, and that I cant put up with this anymore. She thought I was headed in the direction of breaking up with her, and she started crying and pleading with me to wait, and that we will work this out. I told her that we have to work through this as a couple and that we both cant see this issue as our own problem. I say this because I am not fully convinced she doesnt want this relationship, I am convince however that there is ALOT of mounting pressure for it to work, and she doesnt feel like we have the space to allow for something to evolve as a couple. Its like my gf says "its either I care about you, or I care about me"

Siiiiiiiigh....this is not easy.......Im so sad, and lonely.