Infidelity of a parent

[shorty10]

Why not make up some kind of lie and say that your teacher at school just got cheated on by his wife or something? Maybe not a teacher, but someone that she wouldnt be able to find out about. Then see her reaction and ask her if she would ever do that to your dad. Then again see her reaction, and if she doesnt tell you then you might as well confront her about it. It then kinda means that she is trying to keep it a secret.

[vashti]

I think it's their business if it is their own parents. If my parents were fukking around I would rather they were divorced.

That's nice. What if they wouldn't rather be divorced? Do their feelings matter at all, or is it all about your preferences?

[Mish]

That's nice. What if they wouldn't rather be divorced? Do their feelings matter at all, or is it all about your preferences?

All of our feelings have an equal importance. If they wouldn't rather be divorced and fukk around and my views on the subject were not important, that's okay I would just visit less often. I would still have the talk to make my views be known very clearly. I don't want to tell my friends or my partner or my kids "Hey, that was my mum's lover we just saw, but DON'T TELL DAD!".

[misombra]

don't tell your dad anything!!!

just refer him to me and i will investigate.

[Charlie Boy II]

I wonder if you guys would have the same tolerance if this was his dad who was trawling the internet for sexual encounters with strangers?

[vashti]

Strangers? I didn't see that they were sexual encounters with strangers....

**runs back to look for that post**

I bet dear old dad has an inkling his blushing bride is up to no good. Maybe he feels she deserves some sort of revenge? Or maybe he is waiting for her to get it out of her system?

One of my best friends looked the other way while her husband had an affair. She did not want a divorce. He didn't either, and now he's back to behaving like a married man. I wouldn't divorce my husband if he were cheating. (I wouldn't have sex with him, but I wouldn't divorce him, either.) Your priorties change after that many years, and what you imagine you would never tolerate when you are in your 20s turns out to be a load of crap when you are older.

[IndiReloaded]

Well, my opinion is somewhere b/t Vash & Mish.

I do think that you could hint to your mom that you know the scoop. You could invite her to discuss with you, or simply ask her how things are going with dad. Take your cue from her. If its no go for discussion, then MYOB would apply.

I do NOT think you have any right to judge your parents or take any further action on this (like telling your dad). As Vash said, you do not know the issues in their marriage, nor the full extent of the situation. For all you know, your dad had an affair and this is her revenge, or he simply doesn't care, or he will be devastated and have a heart attack if he finds out. Children are usually kept away from more negative aspects of a marriage. Whatever you think you know, trust that its only a fraction of the whole story.

Mish, whatever you'd "rather" about your parents marriage, frankly its none of your business. Its THEIR marriage, not yours. Ultimately, as an adult, you have to accept that. At some point, children should grow up and become more like friends of their parents, if they so choose. And if you said that kind of thing to a friend, they'd be well within their rights to tell you to go to hell.

The only thing I'd add to Vash's point is that I wouldn't stay with someone who cheated. I'd be more inclined to understand a spouse who was honest about wanting to explore sex outside the marriage for a while. For me, it would be more about the cowardice (not being able to speak up for a need) and broken trust. I would wonder what else I couldn't trust them about. If I had kids and they were close to the the age they would be heading for college, I'd probably put a face on it for that long, but then I'd leave. Or hope he kicked the bucket in the meantime.

[Mish]

Mish, whatever you'd *rather* about your parents marriage, frankly its none of your business. Its THEIR marriage, not yours. Ultimately, as an adult, you have to accept that. At some point, children should grow up and become more like friends of their parents, if they so choose. And if you said that kind of thing to a friend, they'd be well within their rights to tell you to go to hell.

I do not need to accept anything I do not want to accept. I wouldn't tell the other party about what's going, but I would have a SERIOUS chat with the cheater and let my views be known.

I tell my friends bluntly what I think about these things as well, that's one of things I am valued for and one of the reasons why I am their friend in the first place. And no, I haven't been told by anyone of them to go to hell to date.

[IndiReloaded]

You don't have to accept a situation, true. But that doesn't give you the right to actually become involved and take action. You do not own your family, Mish. They are individuals in their own right, and have the right to take actions even if you don't agree with them.

As I posted elsewhere, truth is only useful if it has a purpose. And, for a situation like this, one should consider whether *speaking* the truth has a purpose, and for whose sake. I think you would be speaking up for selfish reasons, to make yourself feel better. But sometimes, the adult thing to do is to understand that there are some things you cannot change, and it is better to let things run their course without stirring the pot.

[IndiReloaded]

I tell my friends bluntly what I think about these things as well, that's one of things I am valued for and one of the reasons why I am their friend in the first place. And no, I haven't been told by anyone of them to go to hell to date.

I have a feeling that b/c you probably tell them what they want to hear, to some extent. I very seriously doubt you have told someone who is cheating that you know & that you think they should get a divorce.

[Mish]

You don't have to accept a situation, true. But that doesn't give you the right to actually become involved and take action.

I do have a right to voice my opinion. And I have a right to take action which affects my relationship with them. A right I am willing to use if necessary.

I have a feeling that b/c you probably tell them what they want to hear, to some extent. I very seriously doubt you have told someone who is cheating that you know & that you think they should get a divorce.

I don't have many friends who are married, but those in relationships who cheated, you bet your ass I have! They got a major whooping. The ones who did cheat are not in a relationship anymore. I didn't tell their partners, they themselves decided relationship is not for them. In most cases they cheated because they didn't respect their partner for the relationship to continue.

[IndiReloaded]

Well, Mish, I am going to disagree with you about this. I think you will find this approach may cause you problems in future. Certainly, you can do & say as you wish to anyone, but there are consequences to this I'm not sure you fully appreciate yet. I hope what you gain is worth whatever harm you might cause in the process.

[Mish]

Well, Mish, I am going to disagree with you about this. I think you will find this approach may cause you problems in future. Certainly, you can do & say as you wish to anyone, but there are consequences to this I'm not sure you fully appreciate yet. I hope what you gain is worth whatever harm you might cause in the process.

We'll agree to disagree then. I prefer to be honest and say what I think about things which are important to me, than to pretend I'm okay with something I'm not. I'm yet to see any harmful consequences. If there will be in the future, then good riddance to those who bring them.

[IndiReloaded]

Your thinking is so binary about this, Mish, on subjects that are usually more gray. I'm not talking about pretending anything. I'm merely saying that sometimes, there is simply no percentage to 'honesty'. Its not a virtue for its own sake, I know our culture popular television says it is, but wise people know better. Pretty clearly you've never had to deal with a situation where, long term, it was better for someone to come to a realization on their own schedule.

You could afford to be brut honest to your friends b/c, frankly, YOU had nothing to lose in the process. You said it yourself: anyone who would be offended by it "good riddance". If you were able to take such an attitude about your parents, it would make me wonder just how much you actually cared for them.

Honesty for its own sake is a selfish, juvenile attitude, Mish. Really, you need to think about this more.

[Mish]

If you were able to take such an attitude about your parents, it would make me wonder just how much you actually cared for them.

Of course I wouldn't be as harsh with them as with my friends, but yes I would tell them exactly what they need to hear:

1. It is wrong
2. They don't respect their partner (my parent)
3. Why are they still in a relationship?

I would tell that to them exactly BECAUSE I care for them. So they can think about what they are doing very carefully before their partner finds out on their own and there is a much worse consequence than just hearing it from me. I think it would be uncaring for someone to turn a blind eye and say 'oh well, my parents are whores I better say nothing and keep it to myself'. I would actually question the motives of someone who thinks like that.