Infidelity of a parent

[IndiReloaded]

No Mish, those are judgmental statements about how YOU feel. It says nothing about your understanding of *their* situation. That post tells me how very little you would empathize with them, sorry hun. Think harder. In particular, try to predict what kind of response you might get & how you might get something different with another tactic.

[Mish]

No Mish, those are judgmental statements about how YOU feel. It says nothing about your understanding of *their* situation.

Indi, on the subject of judgment, you are not doing very well on understanding me yourself, you are already throwing your own, personal judgments at me just because I disagree with you. You may want to re-examine your own levels of understanding and empathy before accusing others of lacking them.

Anyway, I agree to disagree with you on this so let's be done with it.

[IndiReloaded]

1. It is wrong
2. They don't respect their partner (my parent)
3. Why are they still in a relationship?

I'll give you a hint b/c I'm signing off.

All these things^ are NOT news to the person you are saying them to. Do you really think someone who cheats doesn't already know its wrong?

True empathy helps someone to come to a NEW conclusion about something. Nothing in your 3 points would tell the listener anything they don't already know. Except perhaps that they've been discovered. Which won't motivate them to change except to get defensive or become more sneaky.

[IndiReloaded]

Indi, on the subject of judgment, you are not doing very well on understanding me yourself, you are already throwing your own, personal judgments at me just because I disagree with you. You may want to re-examine your own levels of understanding and empathy before accusing others of lacking them.

Anyway, I agree to disagree with you on this so let's be done with it.

This is not at all personal to me, Mish. The form for a judgmental statement is well described, go look it up. But since you are asking me to leave off, I will.

But, for someone who values honesty, you don't seem to be able to take it as well as you dish it out, apparently. Something else to think about, perhaps.

[Indignant]

I think Misha greatly values his ideals and it would be really hard for anyone to prove him wrong, in that I stand by him.

[Mish]

But, for someone who values honesty, you don't seem to be able to take it as well as you dish it out, apparently. Something else to think about, perhaps.

Ha! Where have I made or dished out judgments on you Indi? I think your judgments of me were completely unwarranted especially since you are trying to advise me against them.

Anyway, I'm glad that you are now more in favour of some type of dialogue with the cheater instead of going with the flow and pretending it doesn't happen. And because I know you better I know you don't mean to offend and only want to help.

[IndiReloaded]

Ha! Where have I made or dished out judgments on you Indi? I think your judgments of me were completely unwarranted especially since you are trying to advise me against them.

Good, I'm glad you can see this. So, if my simple experiment could evoke this from you, just imagine a situation like the OP's who follows your advice. Judging type interactions never come to much good in these types of situations. Do it enough in a relationship, Mish, and you'll find resentment creeping in eventually.

[Rollerderby]

That's nice. What if they wouldn't rather be divorced? Do their feelings matter at all, or is it all about your preferences?

Once you have kids, your life *should* become about doing what's best for your kids. If she's stupid enough to get caught, then the OP has every right to confront her. I don't think she should have snooped though. What if he mom decided to go through her room and read her diary to find out all her dirty little secrets?

Still, you can't un-know what you know. If the father has some idea of what's going on, why do you think it would change once it's brought to light that the children know? If anything, it just brings the confrontation to a head.

And ONLY if it gets out in the open between the parents can they RESOLVE the situation themselves and move on. Otherwise, the rest of the relationship will have distance and be built on lies. Sounds like a great life to me, I can't wait to get married.

[misombra]

the squeaky wheel always gets the grease. (i love that saying.)

i put myself through a lot of pain and misery being honest with somebody when i thought it was the best thing. turns out it was the worst thing i could've done. i told a "friend" that her boyfriend tried to get with me and it turned into a huge dramatic event that brought down a lot of productive things i was doing in my life at that time.

HUGE lesson learned.

[Sonrisa]

Good, I'm glad you can see this. So, if my simple experiment could evoke this from you, just imagine a situation like the OP's who follows your advice. Judging type interactions never come to much good in these types of situations. Do it enough in a relationship, Mish, and you'll find resentment creeping in eventually.

That would only mean that only the worthy of friends will stick by him, and everyone else will fade away.

[Yggdrasil]

You are in a complex situation. This is morals and values vs family. It's one of those dang if you do it, dang if you don't do it situations.

The conflict resides here: if you're going to let this out of the closeth (make it public) crap is gona hit the fan and it's probably gona end up in a divorce. If you don't let it out of the closeth, sooner or later your mom is gona take off or your dad is gona find out and it's most likely gona end up with a divorce. Either way, the end result is the same.

Other things to consider: if you bring it in the open, chances are good that one or even both parents will blame you for doing so, thus puting guilt and shame on you.

There is really no right or wrong here, just consequenses and delaying the unavoidable.

I would suggest to talk to a counselor or social worker or so about this before you do anything drastical.

It may be a good idea to keep all those logs in a safe place, and keep a backup copy somewhere else (preferably outside the house).

[Mish]

Good, I'm glad you can see this. So, if my simple experiment could evoke this from you, just imagine a situation like the OP's who follows your advice.

In OP's case his judgments are very much warranted and need to be aired out. They are his parents, their actions have a direct impact on his family and on him. Your judgments of me were unwarranted because you are not my family, my actions do not have a direct impact on your family and because I did not judge you to begin with.

[vashti]

Good lord, so many of you sound like young Puritan children. You have so little tolerance for something so common, it is no wonder the divorce rates are so high.

[Rollerderby]

Good lord, so many of you sound like young Puritan children. You have so little tolerance for something so common, it is no wonder the divorce rates are so high.

Maybe it's because these people shouldn't be getting married in the first place.

Or would you like to change the vows of forsaking all others to, "pretend like you're faithful, as long as you don't get caught."

There is no reason why a couple can't work past infidelity, but it's another thing to knowingly tolerate a lil something something on the side. Maybe more people should accept swingerdom into their lifestyle if infidelity is so normal.

[misombra]

sure the person should know but they should not find out by their children.