Infidelity of a parent

[vashti]

No one knows how to keep their big mouths shut anymore.

[misombra]

That would only mean that only the worthy of friends will stick by him, and everyone else will fade away.

there's other ways of finding out who your worthy friends are without throwing your life into upheaval.

[IndiReloaded]

Also, one assumes that someone who views that kind of intrusion makes them a bad friend. In fact, it might make them a private, very *good* friend, one who knows when to keep ones mouth shut. Personally, I'd much rather a friend like that than one who can't control their own need to speak the 'truth'. That kind of person puts their values over mine, and they may not be right about doing so. That kind of friend is only a good friend provided you agree with them. I'd be concerned about their judgment. There's more than one solution to a given problem, usually.

[Indignant]

just to state the fact - i personally would take vashti's/indi's approach to the situation.....


however.....i have great respect to where Misha is coming from.

but that's a whole new thread

[misombra]

i used to think like misha before i got burned.

now i just keep my mouth shut. my best friends husband could be sleeping with hookers and monkeys and i wouldn't say shit.

[Mish]

Just for the record, I only give an ass whooping they deserve to the perpetrator. I believe you have to acknowledge these things as they happen and clarify that it's not okay. I believe that if you turn a blind eye then you give a silent approval, you become an accomplice and I'm not into issuing those. I clarify also how it affects perception of the perpetrator as not being trustworthy. And honestly, if a friend doesn't want to listen then they are a friend I could do without anyway.

[vashti]

Have you considered you might be a tad bit controlling, mish? I mean, everyone in your life seems to be expected to kowtow to YOUR ideas.

[Mish]

Have you considered you might be a tad bit controlling, mish? I mean, everyone in your life seems to be expected to kowtow to YOUR ideas.

I don't know what you are talking about Vash

[Indignant]

can i just add that Russians are controlling? especially men. i have the same character trait, however i try to exercise my logic a lot before i let it show.

[IndiReloaded]

I suppose, Mish, it depends whether you believe adults are responsible for their own choices. I happen to think so. So, unless there is a clear case where someone is going to be immediately damaged, children in particular, I butt out. Like Vash said, in many cases these types of things eventually resolve. Even things like cheating.

I also know in situations like the OPs parents, that the choice to cheat doesn't come from a vacuum. This is the reason why *professional judges* avoid making sweeping judgments in divorce cases. Because they know, from long experience, that couples in conflict are usually there because of things that BOTH parties have done.

Your experiences with your friends aren't even in the same universe as trying to tease apart something like 'fault' in a lengthy marriage. Its largely useless to even try to judge a situation like that. So much has gone on in a relationship of that length, most of which even *the married folk* can't hope to tease apart & understand. So how the heck can YOU, a third party, be expected to? All you can do in a situation like that is be supportive and sympathetic to what is happening. That's not the same thing as being 'an accomplice', btw. It is possible to hold to your own values without judging others b/c they don't think the same as you.

Mish, you are simply too idealistic about this. Everyone posting here who has been around a bit more than you: Miso, Vash, Dig, myself--are all of a different opinion to you. I doubt its b/c we are any less moral than you. Perhaps we are onto something you haven't yet experienced, is all I am trying to get you to consider.

[Indignant]

I suppose, Mish, it depends whether you believe adults are responsible for their own choices. I happen to think so. So, unless there is a clear case where someone is going to be immediately damaged, children in particular, I butt out. Like Vash said, in many cases these types of things eventually resolve. Even things like cheating.

I also know in situations like the OPs parents, that the choice to cheat doesn't come from a vacuum. This is the reason why *professional judges* avoid making sweeping judgments in divorce cases. Because they know, from long experience, that couples in conflict are usually there because of things that BOTH parties have done.

Your experiences with your friends aren't even in the same universe as trying to tease apart something like 'fault' in a lengthy marriage. Its largely useless to even try to judge a situation like that. So much has gone on in a relationship of that length, most of which even *the married folk* can't hope to tease apart & understand. So how the heck can YOU, a third party, be expected to? All you can do in a situation like that is be supportive and sympathetic to what is happening. That's not the same thing as being 'an accomplice', btw. It is possible to hold to your own values without judging others b/c they don't think the same as you.

Mish, you are simply too idealistic about this. Everyone posting here who has been around a bit more than you: Miso, Vash, Dig, myself--are all of a different opinion to you. I doubt its b/c we are any less moral than you. Perhaps we are onto something you haven't yet experienced, is all I am trying to get you to consider.

or.....he is onto something we haven't yet experienced as well.

[vashti]

or.....he is onto something we haven't yet experienced as well.

Really? You have never been idealistic? I used to be ... in my late teens/20s.

[Mish]

I suppose, Mish, it depends whether you believe adults are responsible for their own choices. I happen to think so. So, unless there is a clear case where someone is going to be immediately damaged, children in particular, I butt out. Like Vash said, in many cases these types of things eventually resolve. Even things like cheating.

Indi, I'm pretty flexible in understanding past mistakes, that's not the issue. If someone says, yes they did it and it probably wasn't the right thing to do I do understand them. I just cross the line at approving of cheating as it goes on, of people who think there's nothing wrong with it and they want your approval or to help them to cover it up. People with no understanding that what they are doing is wrong, these are the people whose actions I will not approve of and will not tolerate. People who you talk to and they simply say, "sorry none of your business I do what I want regardless of what you say, but I need you to approve of this", they are the ones who will have problems with me regardless of who they are.

[IndiReloaded]

I agree with Vash, and I already told Mish this also: I too was of a similar mind when I was younger.

The turning point for me wasn't even marriage (tho it totally helped); it was when I started teaching and managing large numbers of people. You can't always walk away from the folks who don't agree with you, so you need to come up with new ways of finding common ground. At that point, you start seeing that there are loads of mindsets out there that find justification for all sorts of things. And, when you try to see things from their perspective, it can be difficult to say they are wrong. They just think differently, they are allowed to think differently and the sooner one learns to accept that, the happier everyone will be.

Your attitude is setting you up for conflict, Mish, that's all I'm saying. Be careful you don't end up damaging people needlessly, and yourself in the process.

[IndiReloaded]

I just cross the line at approving of cheating as it goes on, of people who think there's nothing wrong with it and they want your approval or to help them to cover it up.

You are describing a different situation, tho, than the original question. Which I thought was whether to disclose to a parent that their cheating has been discovered by the OP.

You are well within your rights if someone is *asking you* to approve or lie for them, to say that you do not. All I'm saying is that, even still, you might have no clue as to the *why* of what they are doing. And that, if you state your opinion on the subject too forcefully, you may risk alienating a good friend. Always assume you know less than the full story, Mish, b/c chances are good that you'd be correct.

People who you talk to and they simply say, "sorry none of your business I do what I want regardless of what you say, but I need you to approve of this", they are the ones who will have problems with me regardless of who they are.

That statement wouldn't make sense, Mish. Noone would ask for your approval yet tell you its not your business. Its usually one or the other. Anyway, refer back to my point that you probably know less than you think.