Infidelity of a parent

[Mish]

Your attitude is setting you up for conflict, Mish, that's all I'm saying. Be careful you don't end up damaging people needlessly, and yourself in the process.

Indi, you will find that I am very open and understanding on most issues (I think you know me well enough). But there are certain things in life which should not be accepted no matter how popular they are. If you start accepting and approving that which you could never stand for then you are half way into becoming that which you despise.

I think my stand on not tolerating continuous cheating is reasonable. I may understand the reasons, but I will never approve if the person sees nothing wrong with it.

[IndiReloaded]

You are getting confused. It is not your stance on cheating that is the problem. You are free to live your life as you choose. It is being adamant that *other* people (other than your partner) have to adhere to the same standard you do. Sure, if a friend or family member *asks* for your opinion by all means tell them, but watch out even there. Many people will say they want an honest opinion, but what they really want is to be told they are doing okay.

[Mish]

You are describing a different situation, tho, than the original question. Which I thought was whether to disclose to a parent that their cheating has been discovered by the OP.

You are well within your rights if someone is *asking you* to approve or lie for them, to say that you do not. All I'm saying is that, even still, you might have no clue as to the *why* of what they are doing. And that, if you state your opinion on the subject too forcefully, you may risk alienating a good friend. Always assume you know less than the full story, Mish, b/c chances are good that you'd be correct.

My original point was that OP should bring it up with the parent and talk about it. The OP is aware of the situation, not bringing it up while knowing is approving. Maybe not forcefully, but discussion is called for. She is not sorry for what she is doing because she continues doing it, sooner or later she will be found anyway, this discussion may give her a chance to rethink what she is doing and understand that there are people who are aware and who do not approve of her actions. Maybe it will give her the needed opportunity to change. Maybe it will not, but as they say, nothing ventured nothing gained.

[Mish]

You are getting confused. It is not your stance on cheating that is the problem. You are free to live your life as you choose. It is being adamant that *other* people (other than your partner) have to adhere to the same standard you do.

And isn't that how we live our lives?

For example you are adamant that your friends don't kill other people because you don't. You are adamant that your friends don't torture animals because you don't. Would you want to be friends with murderers or torturers?

Well I don't want to be friends with people who cheat and see nothing wrong with it. Why is it so hard to understand?

[IndiReloaded]

The OP is aware of the situation, not bringing it up while knowing is approving. Maybe not forcefully, but discussion is called for. She is not sorry what she is doing because she continues doing, sooner or later she will be found anyway, this discussion may give her a chance to rethink what she is doing and understand that there are people who are aware and who do not approve of her actions.

Well, I disagree that not confronting her parent is the same as approving. For example, I have a friend who is involved in something I consider completely unscientific. This is something I feel very strongly about, probably almost as strong as you feel about cheating. But I keep my judgment to myself b/c I know that, even if I "won" the argument with her about the subject (and I would), that the result would be I would lose a good friend.

Instead, I do my best to make sure that those students I teach are exposed to the principles of critical thinking so they can decide for themselves about such things. I have even shared some of my teaching articles with my friend, who enjoys them.

Am I approving of my friend's snake-oil business? No, I'm not. But I am also not forcing my judgments onto her. Let her figure things out in her own time (or not). All I can do is try to lead my life the best that I can, by example.

The second part I bolded is what Vash was saying. Anyway, I also suggested the OP perhaps *hint* at some knowledge, but I think that a direct confrontation will be non-productive for the reasons I already said.

[IndiReloaded]

And isn't that how we live our lives?

For example you are adamant that your friends don't kill other people because you don't. You are adamant that your friends don't torture animals because you don't. Would you want to be friends with murderers or torturers?

Well I don't want to be friends with people who cheat and see nothing wrong with it. Why is it so hard to understand?

I think I just gave you an example Mish, explaining my thinking on this. See if it helps.

[Mish]

Well, I disagree that not confronting her parent is the same as approving. For example, I have a friend who is involved in something I consider completely unscientific. This is something I feel very strongly about, probably almost as strong as you feel about cheating. But I keep my judgment to myself b/c I know that, even if I "won" the argument with her about the subject (and I would), that the result would be I would lose a good friend.

You see, i no longer consider a friend as good if they are involved in something that I completely despise with every single cell in my body and can not accept. Maybe that's the difference between me and you, as you said we see things differently. Maybe this is why we will not be able to change each other's point of view and should just give this subject a rest. Let OP come to his own conclusion which way is the best.

[misombra]

this is just one of those things that people have to experience to learn.

[IndiReloaded]

You see, i no longer consider a friend as good if they are involved in something that I completely despise with every single cell in my body and can not accept.

Oh gosh, yes, I see now. No, I don't feel this strongly about anything anymore, except perhaps abuse of children. You were cheated on, Mish? Or it happened in your family? Just a guess, b/c these kinds of really strong responses only usually happen with that kind of background. I'm sorry if that's so.

But yes, babe, I'll leave off. I know you are a good guy.

[lovemuffin]

I would take what I found and approach her. Don't approach your dad. You may be the kid, but you are not in their relationship. It might be a wake up call to her and get her to stop. Tell her how much you don't like keeping secrets, but if anyone should tell your dad, it should be her.

I agree with this advice.

After 27 years of marriage, trust me when I say there is PLENTY about your parents you don't know, and frankly, it is none of your business. Quit snooping in your mother's private things. For all you know, your dad is aware of what's going on (let's face it: when people live together, you'd have to be a blind idiot not to see the signs) and has decided to let this affair run its course. You opening your mouth about it and making it public may force him to take action he wasn't particularly interested in taking.

MYOB.

He/she wasn't snooping initially.. but stumbled onto a disturbing/suspicious message. It's not his/her fault their mother was careless.

And it's more than one affair BTW.

One of my best friends looked the other way while her husband had an affair. She did not want a divorce. He didn't either, and now he's back to behaving like a married man. I wouldn't divorce my husband if he were cheating. (I wouldn't have sex with him, but I wouldn't divorce him, either.) Your priorties change after that many years, and what you imagine you would never tolerate when you are in your 20s turns out to be a load of crap when you are older.

Good for her! I hope she continues to maintain that attitude in case it continues to happen (which it usually does unless their is confrontation and therapy).

:roll eyes:

the squeaky wheel always gets the grease. (i love that saying.)

i put myself through a lot of pain and misery being honest with somebody when i thought it was the best thing. turns out it was the worst thing i could've done. i told a "friend" that her boyfriend tried to get with me and it turned into a huge dramatic event that brought down a lot of productive things i was doing in my life at that time.

HUGE lesson learned.

I would really appreciate if a friend told me my guy was making moves on her... regardless of the fallout. I take it they are not together anymore?

Other things to consider: if you bring it in the open, chances are good that one or even both parents will blame you for doing so, thus puting guilt and shame on you.

Other things to consider: if you bring it in the open, chances are good that one or even both parents will blame you for doing so, thus TRANSFERRING guilt and shame on you.

Good lord, so many of you sound like young Puritan children. You have so little tolerance for something so common, it is no wonder the divorce rates are so high.

Well maybe people shoudln't get married anymore period then. Maybe they should be TRULY ADULT and agree to be in non-monogamous realtionships instead of sneeking around and lying like children.

sure the person should know but they should not find out by their children.

Well.. that's what this kind of shit can lead to apparently -- children getting hurt and finding out first -- yet another reason to avoid infidelity.

No one knows how to keep their big mouths shut anymore.

You're absolutely right. I think pedophiles shouldn't be reported either if you happen to witness one.

It's all good.

No one knows how to keep their big mouths shut anymore.

or their pants, apparently.

Also, one assumes that someone who views that kind of intrusion makes them a bad friend. In fact, it might make them a private, very *good* friend, one who knows when to keep ones mouth shut. Personally, I'd much rather a friend like that than one who can't control their own need to speak the 'truth'. That kind of person puts their values over mine, and they may not be right about doing so. That kind of friend is only a good friend provided you agree with them. I'd be concerned about their judgment. There's more than one solution to a given problem, usually.

So you'd prefer the kind of friend who doesn't tell you you have a piece of spinach between your teeth before going into an interview?

i used to think like misha before i got burned.

now i just keep my mouth shut. my best friends husband could be sleeping with hookers and monkeys and i wouldn't say shit.

I can understand being afraid of reporting it.... but there are also anonymous ways to do it..............

[vashti]

Lovemuffin! Why are you posting 100 times in a row? We know you don't agree... why cares? Get a hold of yourself!

[lovemuffin]

Lovemuffin! Why are you posting 100 times in a row? We know you don't agree... why cares? Get a hold of yourself!

I wasn't following the thread prior... and I only post 11 times, not 100... probably average what everyone else here posted. I'm just offering my opinions like everyone else here, albeit in a row.

[IndiReloaded]

So you'd prefer the kind of friend who doesn't tell you you have a piece of spinach between your teeth before going into an interview?

Nope, that's not what I said. You clearly didn't understand my posts. Try again.

[Sonrisa]

why is everyone so sensitive and defensive on this board?

[misombra]

I would really appreciate if a friend told me my guy was making moves on her... regardless of the fallout. I take it they are not together anymore?

yeah. the girl thanked me at first. it wasn't just lose her as a friend, other people were involved, others were hurt, we were in a dance troupe that disbanded after all this happened. it was incredibly selfish of me to do what i did.

Well maybe people shoudln't get married anymore period then. Maybe they should be TRULY ADULT and agree to be in non-monogamous realtionships instead of sneeking around and lying like children.

you're living in lollipop land.

Well.. that's what this kind of shit can lead to apparently -- children getting hurt and finding out first -- yet another reason to avoid infidelity.

lollipop land.

I can understand being afraid of reporting it.... but there are also anonymous ways to do it..............

you would anonymously be tearing up peoples lives.


and yeah. i think i'll go back and merge all your posts into one...