Lost my Love...how to get Her back

[ender06]

OK, so the story goes, I have been dating the same girl for almost 4 years. When new years rolled around, I was getting really depressed over ALOT of stuff going on in my life, and I told her I just needed a break, but I still loved her. Well, we took the break, and still continued to hang out at least once or twice a week. Still made love to oneanother, still felt REALLY close to eachother, still told eachother we loved them. After about 1.5 to 2 months, I told her that we were ready to get back together and I was ready to fix it. But there was a short period of time when we didn't get to see eachother for about 3 weeks, and she was getting upset, but wasnt telling me. She eventually got drunk and eneded up at a "friends" apartment and the two ended up not having sex, but very close, naked making out and some oral. She didn't tell me about this happening though.

Then, she started talking to this guy that was friends with her best friends. She is only 20. This guy is 28, has a kid, but abandonded it, (never even seen it), still lives at home, has been in trouble for beating his women and being an alcholic. they talked online mostly, and then went on a date. i found out about this when I went to see her again. I could tell something was bothering her, but she denied it. When she went to work, i snooped thru her computer(sorry girls, don't hate me for it) and found some rough stuff. she had been telling this guy how she wanted to f*** him and have children and all this. Told him how bad of a person I was to her. Shew, it was PAINFUL!!!!! There were about 70,000 instant messages in just a period of 2 weeks, and needles to say, i couldn't read them all there. So I forwarded them to my e-mail and waited on her to get off work. we argued pretty hard, and I made her feel like DIRT. Then ask her if there was ANYTHING else she wanted to tell me. ANYTHING???? The answer I got was "no, i promise"

So when i got home that evening, i read some more of the IM's between her and the other guy. I eventually read where she was bragging to him about getting drunk and messing with the other guy. SHEW...that made me mad too. So I went to see her again that evening and we had another nock down drag out argument and I made her feel horrible. Then after some days of talking, we decided to restart and regain eachother trust. Told eachother that we loved oneanother. OK...so it will get better right???

NOPE, she was still torn over this guy she went on one date with. She told me she loved me, but had feelings for him too. I got a little upset, and it made her mad. I eventually sent flowers to her and everything, but she was already hanging all over this other guy. And the day after she received my flowers, they were dating. HOW??? She said she loved me!

So now she wants to just be friends, but it hurts so much. I LOVE her VERY much. How do I get her back? I know she still has feeling for me, but she burries them. And this guy she is with is just a smooth talker, but that is what she likes, and is so incredibly happy with him. GOD, I miss her so much, and I'm so jealous. I have givin her flowers and all inds of stuff, but she just wont open up to me. What do I do. And I don't want to hear MOVE ON right now. I just need advice. Thanks

[Volk]

I feel for you. Argh. Women can be so irrational!
I'm in a very similar situation to you, but I haven't read her texts or emails.

Start doing things which she likes which you never used to do, break contact with her, for about a week (just do, talk to old friends a lot). The more you say 'I love you' the more she gets pushed towards him.

You need to tempt her, make her start thinking about you, the things you know she didn't like about you, you'll need to change, but don't instantly say 'I won't do that' you need to show, not tell, and still wait a while.

Do not try to get her back instantly and relentlessly. Don't just talk about your obvious passionate love together, tempt her. Act like you are fine without her, but say something like 'I accept that you've moved on, I'm sorry you don't think that two people like us could share something special together' and leave it at that. Making sure you imply that, if she wanted to, you probably would go with her.

Be a smooth talker too. Argh I really feel I'm in a similar situation to you. The chance to get her back is low, but it still increases or decreases depending on how you act, you've got to make her want you again.

I wish you the best possible luck.

[ender06]

Thanks alot, good luck with u too

[ender06]

I DONT KNOW HOW TO DO IT!! I wanna tell her I love her every day!! But I am afraid if i dont tell her, she will just fall deeper for this other guy. What do I do??

[Yggdrasil]

I would like you to attempt in a rational way to imagine a relation with her 3, 5, 10 years from now. I would like you to attempt to imagine how you will feel 3, 5 or 10 years from now being together with someone who seems to have problems commiting to a relation. Do you honestly think, IF you would get her back, that you'll have a healthy relation with this person? It's your life, but I think, I BELIEVE, that you deserve better.

[ender06]

I would like you to attempt in a rational way to imagine a relation with her 3, 5, 10 years from now. I would like you to attempt to imagine how you will feel 3, 5 or 10 years from now being together with someone who seems to have problems commiting to a relation. Do you honestly think, IF you would get her back, that you'll have a healthy relation with this person? It's your life, but I think, I BELIEVE, that you deserve better.

You have to understand, I was THE ONE who had the problems and caused the "break". When we were together, all was great!! I was the one with the problems first! She never faultered while together. I seem to think it IS WORTH another chance. I am not saying it has to be forever, but I think there IS a chance it would work. I KNOW she still has feelings for me! And I do too!

[Yggdrasil]

Thank you for providing me with additional information. Please know that it takes 2 in a relation. It's NEVER only 1 persons fault. I can't help but having the impression you are idealizing her. I understand that you have feelings for her, and that she may or may not have feelings for you (you do not know that for sure, since you cannot read her mind nor feel what she feels, unless you have some supernatural powers nobody else has).

Further, since you are so convinced that YOU are the one who caused the 'problems', what have you done for yourself (not for her), to take care of whatever caused the 'problems'? Did you seek counceling? Did you educate yourself on how to build and maintain a healthy relation? Or are you just (if you two would get back together) heading for the same old, same old?

I think my friend, that you have some serious soulsearching to do. If I would be you, I would put this time of separation to good use, to soulsearch, to reach deep inside me and ask myself what I can do to IMPROVE myself, how I can become a stronger person, how I can prevent myself from making the same mistakes again. And that's not going to happen overnight.

I suggest that you bite through the soure apple, have for at least 3 weeks absolutely no contact with her and meanwhile reflect on your life, your future and how you can improve yourself as a human being.

The signs are all there:

She eventually got drunk and eneded up at a "friends" apartment and the two ended up not having sex, but very close, naked making out and some oral.

What's oral sex? No sex? Clinton got away with that, but even oral sex, is sex.

Then, she started talking to this guy that was friends with her best friends. They talked online mostly, and then went on a date.

Reality check: she's dating someone else (yeah, she cheated on you)

There were about 70,000 instant messages in just a period of 2 weeks, and needles to say, i couldn't read them all there.

Having some trust issues there?

We argued pretty hard, and I made her feel like DIRT.
So I went to see her again that evening and we had another nock down drag out argument and I made her feel horrible.

And now we're getting emotionaly abusive (see bellow).

I eventually sent flowers to her and everything.

Oh, the honeymoon phase of the abusive cycle (see bellow).

but she was already hanging all over this other guy. And the day after she received my flowers, they were dating.

No really? And that makes you wonder?

Now for the wakeup call:

The cycle of Abuse:

Honeymoon phase

Characterized by affection, apology, and apparent end of violence, with assurances that it will never happen again. During this stage the abuser feels overwhelming feelings of remorse and sadness, or pretends to. Some abusers walk away from the situation, but most shower their victims with love and affection. There may be self harming by the abuser to gain sympathy from the victim and threats of suicide if the victim leaves are common. Abusers are frequently so convincing, and victims so eager for the relationship to improve that victims, who are often worn down and confused by longstanding abuse, stay in the relationship.

Tension building phase

Characterized by poor communication, tension, fear of causing outbursts. During this stage the victims try to calm the batterer down, to avoid any major violent confrontations.

Acting-out phase

Characterized by outbursts of violent, abusive incidents. During this stage the batterer attempts to dominate his/her partner(victim), with the use of domestic violence. Although it is easy to see the outbursts of the Acting-out Phase as abuse, even the more pleasant behaviours of the Honeymoon Phase serve to perpetuate the abuse.


What is emotional and verbal abuse?

Repeated verbal abuse such as blaming, ridiculing, insulting, swearing, yelling and humiliation has long-term negative effects on a partner's self-esteem and contributes to feelings of uselessness, worthlessness and self-blame.

Jealousy, possessiveness and interrogation about whereabouts and activities are controlling behaviours which can severely restrict partner's independence and freedom.

Emotional abuse can have serious physical and psychological consequences, including severe depression, anxiety, persistent headaches, back and limb problems, and stomach problems.

I know I am blunt, but I am also very down to earth and factual about this.

Get real buddy, I can't help you, but I can give you advice and suggestions: you both need individual professional help.

[ender06]

Yggdrasil, no you're not too blunt, I appreciate the addvice. I have been soulserching...ALOT. It has been over a month now. I am changing and fixing MY problems. One of my WORST problems was anger managment, which I have gain MASSIVE control over that so far. And as far as the no contact thing, SHE still contacts me, just to talk and things. I sometime just wander if i'm not her BACK-UP guy, if this one fails! I just don't know, but I can't just forget her. We are HUMAN and we make mistakes!

[Yggdrasil]

Bud, everytime she contacts you, those wounds are ripped open again. Can't you just block her number for now and give yourself at least 3 weeks of absolutely no contact what so ever? It doesn't matter if she's the one who initiates the contact, you're playing into her game by responding. And everytime you guys have contact, you break the no contact rule and have to start allover again.

The no contact rule is simple: absolutely no contact for 3 weeks, every time you have contact, the 3 weeks start over again.

Meanwhile all you're doing is hurting yourself more and fantasizing about something that may be or could be, while your first and foremost priority should be you and your personal wellbeing.

I'm glad to hear you're doing some anger management, that's definitely a step in the right direction. Pat on the back on that one.

That said, I don't see you as a 'bad' person. A troubled person maybe, but I don't think a bad person. You are at least trying to work your issues, which is more than can be said from most. And even if it doesn't work out with her, taking care of your issues will benefit you in the long run, maybe in another relation, with another girl, and at work, once you have a career. Either way, even if you don't get her back, it's not a waste of your time, it's a great investment in YOUR future. I hope you're doing all this with some guidance from a counselor or so, and not on your own devices.

The only other advice I can give you right now is: enforce the no contact rule, for your own good.

[ender06]

I hope you're doing all this with some guidance from a counselor or so, and not on your own devices.

The only other advice I can give you right now is: enforce the no contact rule, for your own good.

Counselor...afraid not. and as far as ABSOLUTELT no contact, I didn't want to mention this part, but we work at the same place. See her...and har new guy, about every other day. I think it disrespectful of him to come in to where i work, but I have said NOTHING to him, not even acknowledge he was there, but not ignoring...if you get what i mean. CRAP, life is a biatch and then you DIE!

[Volk]

Do go for the no-contact thing. Surround yourself with your friends(old and new), start doing things she likes (like going out, maybe) which you didn't used to do.
When you eventually do meet up again (maybe after 3 weeks) be almost as if you never met her and you want her. Make her want you.
Grats about the dealing with your own problems. I can relate to that, I used to get annoyed about pointless things, too. It does help when they know you've changed, but you can't tell them like you still want them.
Make it seem like 'I've accepted you've moved on, but there could be something between us I think.' Don't say it like that though.
Keep up the no contact, man.

You work at the same place... just talk to her in a friendly way every now and then. Don't show how much you want her back, just be how you were when you two were together and having fun. Think of all the positive memories when you two laughed, and behave that way. And also, be that way with other workers, too, so she can see what she is literally missing, rather than still getting it from you as a friend.

[ender06]

OK, she got mad when i went out with another girl, so she is jealous right?? Still has feelings, right?

[Yggdrasil]

OK, she got mad when i went out with another girl, so she is jealous right?? Still has feelings, right?

Who cares?

If you're gona go out with another girl just to get her back, that's pretty pathetic for your future with her. If you went out with another girl to get her peeved off.. that's pretty immature of you.

Anyways, it's your life... you'll have to deal with the damage you cause to yourself and others.

Moral of the story: some people NEVER learn.

[ender06]

Who cares?

If you're gona go out with another girl just to get her back, that's pretty pathetic for your future with her. If you went out with another girl to get her peeved off.. that's pretty immature of you.

Anyways, it's your life... you'll have to deal with the damage you cause to yourself and others.

Moral of the story: some people NEVER learn.

I went out with the other girl, thinking maybe I could move on. Not out of spite! My ex TOLD me to date others, but why would she get mad. She has no right.

[Juristhea]

Counselor...afraid not. and as far as ABSOLUTELT no contact, I didn't want to mention this part, but we work at the same place. See her...and har new guy, about every other day. I think it disrespectful of him to come in to where i work, but I have said NOTHING to him, not even acknowledge he was there, but not ignoring...if you get what i mean. CRAP, life is a biatch and then you DIE!

It's so sad everytime love falls apart and what I want to say has already been said by Yggdrassil who's been blunt yet helpful.

But I want to share with you some articles that you might find useful.

[url]http://ezinearticles.com/?The-Point-of-No-Communication---Why-Some-People-Never-Talk-Again-With-Their-Ex&id=2297438[/url]

[url]http://ezinearticles.com/?Behind-the-Heartbreak---Thoughts-and-Actions-Before-and-After-a-Break-Up&id=2309288[/url]