Should I Even Bother?

[hopelesslydevot]

We met when I was only 18 and I've been with my husband for seven years. We had a wonderful home, had started a little family with our pets, he was in line to inherit my family's business, and I honestly couldn't have been happier.

A few months ago, he started acting very erratic and there was clearly something troubling him. At first he claimed that he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me anymore. Then he told my father that the real reason for his discontent was because he felt spiritually lost. Then a week after that, he told me that he wanted to establish a new career and go back to school because his industry was going down and he wasn't happy with his current employment.

Irrespective of the reasons that he offered me, I did everything that I could to support him. I offered to go to counselling with him. Both my father and myself provided him with things to read to try and help him. My father even offered to help him go back to school by allowing us to live rent-free. But he seemed so unmotivated. I thought maybe he was depressed.

He tried to tell me that every year he had struggled with whether or not he wanted to stay involved with me, but honestly this, for me, came out of left field, and never once had he made clear that he was struggling with his feelings for me.

He started to pick fights with me for no reason, and because I didn't want to poison our family environment, and also because he typically has been one who likes to spend time alone to resolve his personal conflicts, I asked him to find somewhere else to live temporarily, but made it clear that I was willing to do whatever it took to help him, to help us.

He told me that he was living with two couples. I thought that this could be good for him to see some other relationships to remind him that things are not always perfect, and I felt that maybe a little time apart would make him appreciate just how much we had together.

He wouldn't provide me with the contact information for where he was, but said that I could always reach him via email if I needed him for any reason. Though I wasn't particularly fond of this arrangement, I was trying to be supportive, and respectful of his desire for privacy.

Last Friday is when everything happened. He was supposed to come home and visit me later that night, and told me to contact him by email if I wanted to see him. It had been several hours, and I had not heard back from him. I started to get a bad feeling in my stomach. I went onto his facebook account and email (we always had each other's passwords for everything), and I discovered his love letters to another woman - a woman he claimed was merely one of his roommates at this new place, and who supposedly was involved with someone else.

I was devastated and I absolutely lost it. I immediately packed up all of his things, and sent him a message telling him that I never wanted to see him again.

I understand that people sometimes drift apart, and I could have accepted it (as much as it would have hurt), if he no longer had feelings for me, but there were two separate occasions in which I asked him if there was someone else when he started to act funny, and he denied it to my face, told me that he loved me, and that if we should ever part, that he could never be with another.

In my search for answers I came across his journal. I had always known that it had existed, but never read it out of respect for him. I discovered that throughout our entire relationship he has been addicted to drugs, and was hiding this from me. In addition, there were several entries which implied that this was not the first time he was with another woman.

Despite all of this, I still desperately love him. I know it's pathetic, but I believed him when he said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I believed him when he said we were soulmates and that I changed him mind about marriage. I have never felt the pain that I did when I came across his love letters in which he referred to her as "my love", and told her that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her - words that were once reserved for me.

I am feeling so confused about this entire ordeal. I am repulsed by what he has done, but miss him so much that it hurts. At the same time, as much as I'd like to believe that he loved me, I have to come to terms with the fact that he was leading a double life.

I don't know what to do. I'm trying to let go, but I keep convincing myself that he'll return to me. I know that in my weakened emotional state, I would take him back. He was it for me - I never wanted to get married more than once, and I honestly believed that we'd be together forever. We had so much for the future. His family loved me, and mine him. None of this makes sense. I don't know why he'd throw this all away.

I have been reading up on drug addictions and it seems to me that his habit stems from a few different places: 1) he has seriously unresolved issues from his childhood 2) his conflict resolution style has always been one of escapism in which he takes off for days and never addresses his issues - consequently he gets stressed out very easily and cannot adequately handle it 3) I believe that he has low self-esteem and self-worth because he never felt fully loved as a child - just like the drugs give him a temporary high/ego boost, I believe that he's using sex/promiscuity for the same reason. 4) Finally, he has always lacked spirituality and has floated from one thing to the next seeking grounding. I don't believe that he is a happy person, and it seems to me that he is doing things to externalize a sense of happiness because he feels empty on the inside.

From reading his journals, it became highly apparent to me that he is in denial of his condition. While he called his drug use a vice and a dependency, he denied being an addict, and in fact, spoke of addicts as being losers.

Any words of wisdom you can offer would be appreciated. I am so utterly devastated. He even had the audacity to take OUR dogs and give them to her.

Hopelessly devoted

[Yggdrasil]

Dear hopelesslydevot,

I understand your pain and confusion. It's always hard to become aware of what are called "ghosts in the closeth".

I will be deadly honest with you: you found his dairy and it appears he has cheated on you several times and he has a drug addiction. He never told you about this. In a healthy marriage, partners are able to tell eachother about their problems and work them out together.

It appears to me that he is not willing to work on his problems and you can not force him to.

Sad as it is, my advice would be to confront him and tell him that you know everything, that you have read his dairy and seen the facebook entries. Then I would let him know that you are willing to support him is he is willing to take care of his problems, but if not, that there is no other way than to end the relation (that's called setting a boundary).

You'll have to be firm on this, unfortunately, but it seems to me that you have a great family which will support you through this. Try not to be judgemental towards him, nor emotional, just factual.

Also, when you confront him, do it in a neutral place, like for example a coffee shop were you both agree upon to meet to talk. Do not get your family involved in the confrontation at this point, let is just be the two of you.

The reason to chose a public environment is to prevent him from lashing out or becomming abusive, the reason not to have your family involved at the initial confrontation is so he wouldn't feel 'attacked' by many people and become defensive.

If you confront him, please keep your self worth and don't degrade yourself to begging him. All you can do is tell him what you know and let him know that you are still willing to be there for him. The rest, is up to him. Don't expect an answer right away. He may need space and time to think it over. If you haven't heard from him after the confrontation for more than 3 weeks, try to contact him one more time and attempt to insist receiving an answer. If he still doesn't reply to that, consider your marriage over.

Either way, you'll have to tackle this hurdle and you'll have to try to do it with dignity and maturity. You'll also have to realize that you can't put your life on hold for him and that, and I know this is of little help right now, after rain, comes sunshine.

I undestand this is a tought pill to swallow and all I can do is wish you strenght in this.

[Volk]

Sometimes people can be so stupid. My thoughts go out to, a lot. and to your dogs too. Maybe he'll realised what he missed eventually.
Just make sure he knows he could talk to you about anything, be open about his addiction (don't call it that). Meet up, occasionally.
If it doesn't work, do move on.

[alex12345]

You can't heal him. Don't try, it's futile. You are still young. We all make mistakes. It hurts, but you have to move on.

[IndiReloaded]

Sorry this happened to you. Sometimes, things happen that just aren't in our control.

I agree with Drasil, he needs boundaries & help. However, the only difference I would suggest is to immediately begin separation proceedings. The issues your husband has aren't likely to go away, you have to face this squarely. Sure, miracles happen, but clearly he's not comfortable coming to you for support, so you should make preparations to split.

I would simply tell him you wish him well, but that you also can't spend your life waiting for him to sort himself out. Tell him that you are prepared to be his friend, nothing more, and that perhaps once he has sorted himself out that you two could revisit a relationship. If you are both willing, and assuming you haven't moved on.

Right now, this guy is a black hole who will suck your energy & give you nothing in return. Noone should willingly tolerate this situation. There are compromises, where he can get the help he needs but without you making needless sacrifices.

You don't mention children, I hope there aren't any. That would be tragic.

Good luck, hun. Post here to vent if it helps.

[Juristhea]

We met when I was only 18 and I've been with my husband for seven years. We had a wonderful home, had started a little family with our pets, he was in line to inherit my family's business, and I honestly couldn't have been happier.

A few months ago, he started acting very erratic and there was clearly something troubling him. At first he claimed that he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me anymore. Then he told my father that the real reason for his discontent was because he felt spiritually lost. Then a week after that, he told me that he wanted to establish a new career and go back to school because his industry was going down and he wasn't happy with his current employment.

Irrespective of the reasons that he offered me, I did everything that I could to support him. I offered to go to counselling with him. Both my father and myself provided him with things to read to try and help him. My father even offered to help him go back to school by allowing us to live rent-free. But he seemed so unmotivated. I thought maybe he was depressed.

He tried to tell me that every year he had struggled with whether or not he wanted to stay involved with me, but honestly this, for me, came out of left field, and never once had he made clear that he was struggling with his feelings for me.

He started to pick fights with me for no reason, and because I didn't want to poison our family environment, and also because he typically has been one who likes to spend time alone to resolve his personal conflicts, I asked him to find somewhere else to live temporarily, but made it clear that I was willing to do whatever it took to help him, to help us.

He told me that he was living with two couples. I thought that this could be good for him to see some other relationships to remind him that things are not always perfect, and I felt that maybe a little time apart would make him appreciate just how much we had together.

He wouldn't provide me with the contact information for where he was, but said that I could always reach him via email if I needed him for any reason. Though I wasn't particularly fond of this arrangement, I was trying to be supportive, and respectful of his desire for privacy.

Last Friday is when everything happened. He was supposed to come home and visit me later that night, and told me to contact him by email if I wanted to see him. It had been several hours, and I had not heard back from him. I started to get a bad feeling in my stomach. I went onto his facebook account and email (we always had each other's passwords for everything), and I discovered his love letters to another woman - a woman he claimed was merely one of his roommates at this new place, and who supposedly was involved with someone else.

I was devastated and I absolutely lost it. I immediately packed up all of his things, and sent him a message telling him that I never wanted to see him again.

I understand that people sometimes drift apart, and I could have accepted it (as much as it would have hurt), if he no longer had feelings for me, but there were two separate occasions in which I asked him if there was someone else when he started to act funny, and he denied it to my face, told me that he loved me, and that if we should ever part, that he could never be with another.

In my search for answers I came across his journal. I had always known that it had existed, but never read it out of respect for him. I discovered that throughout our entire relationship he has been addicted to drugs, and was hiding this from me. In addition, there were several entries which implied that this was not the first time he was with another woman.

Despite all of this, I still desperately love him. I know it's pathetic, but I believed him when he said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I believed him when he said we were soulmates and that I changed him mind about marriage. I have never felt the pain that I did when I came across his love letters in which he referred to her as "my love", and told her that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her - words that were once reserved for me.

I am feeling so confused about this entire ordeal. I am repulsed by what he has done, but miss him so much that it hurts. At the same time, as much as I'd like to believe that he loved me, I have to come to terms with the fact that he was leading a double life.

I don't know what to do. I'm trying to let go, but I keep convincing myself that he'll return to me. I know that in my weakened emotional state, I would take him back. He was it for me - I never wanted to get married more than once, and I honestly believed that we'd be together forever. We had so much for the future. His family loved me, and mine him. None of this makes sense. I don't know why he'd throw this all away.

I have been reading up on drug addictions and it seems to me that his habit stems from a few different places: 1) he has seriously unresolved issues from his childhood 2) his conflict resolution style has always been one of escapism in which he takes off for days and never addresses his issues - consequently he gets stressed out very easily and cannot adequately handle it 3) I believe that he has low self-esteem and self-worth because he never felt fully loved as a child - just like the drugs give him a temporary high/ego boost, I believe that he's using sex/promiscuity for the same reason. 4) Finally, he has always lacked spirituality and has floated from one thing to the next seeking grounding. I don't believe that he is a happy person, and it seems to me that he is doing things to externalize a sense of happiness because he feels empty on the inside.

From reading his journals, it became highly apparent to me that he is in denial of his condition. While he called his drug use a vice and a dependency, he denied being an addict, and in fact, spoke of addicts as being losers.

Any words of wisdom you can offer would be appreciated. I am so utterly devastated. He even had the audacity to take OUR dogs and give them to her.

Hopelessly devoted

It's always sad to see a relationship fail because of vices.

I don't know what else to say to you but I can give you an article which might help you with your situation. It's kinda blunt but I think the point of this article is to help you realize a couple of things: [url]http://ezinearticles.com/?When-Enough-is-Enough---Get-Out-of-an-Abusive-Relationship&id=2297433[/url]

[Gigabitch]

I am feeling so confused about this entire ordeal. I am repulsed by what he has done, but miss him so much that it hurts.

You miss a guy that doesn't even exist. Mourn the loss of him, but don't mistake your husband for the man you want him to be. He's a cad.

He even had the audacity to take OUR dogs and give them to her.

Oh, hell no. Go get those dogs back. Then come home, change your locks and hire a lawyer to get yourself disentangled from this bad, bad man. Sure, you never wanted to get divorced, but I'll bet you never wanted to be married to a cheating liar either, did you?

The drug addiction is no excuse for his behavior. It's an explanation, and you can go with it if it makes you feel better, but eventually you're going to have to come to terms with the fact that he simply didn't love you as much as you wanted him to. It doesn't matter why.

Get rid of him. This is the hardest thing you've ever had to do, I'm sure, but you can do this. You have family and you know right from wrong, and you know in your heart that it's over, don't you?

[Cbrider]

Listen to Giga, she talks hard, but shes right.

Not fun stuff to hear, but your heart doesn't deserve this, humans should never be this cruel to one another. You need to leave this all behind and find your true husband.

Don't let yourself fall into a pit of hoping you will get back together. He gets one shot and he blew it in so many ways. Its done......get your dogs back.