Boundaries

[nubiangirl]

Me and my Guy have issues on what we think is appropriate boundaries..I have a issue with female co worker inviting him to her house to pick up papers of his saved work..I wonder why not leave it at the office and he can pick it up there.He said he worked with many females and has actually stopped by there house to talk and have a drink and knowone has ever had a problem but me.
He free lances for this person, I worked with him and had to introduce myself but she was interested in responding or even mentioning me afterwards to him.
Is this a silly boundary?

what are reasonable boundaries?

[Yggdrasil]

The purpose of having boundaries is to protect and take care of ourselves. We need to be able to tell other people when they are acting in ways that are not acceptable to us. A first step is starting to know that we have a right to protect and defend ourselves. That we have not only the right, but the duty to take responsibility for how we allow others to treat us.

It is important to state our feelings out loud, and to precede the feeling with "I feel." (When we say "I am angry, I'm hurt, etc." we are stating that the feeling is who we are. Emotions do not define us, they are a form of internal communication that help us to understand ourselves. They are a vital part of our being - as a component of the whole.) This is owning the feeling. It is important to do for ourselves. By stating the feeling out loud we are affirming that we have a right to feelings. We are affirming it to ourselves - and taking responsibility for owning ourselves and our reality. Rather the other person can hear us and understand is not as important as hearing ourselves and understanding that we have a right to our feelings. It is vitally important to own our own voice. To own our right to speak up for ourselves.

It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who has no boundaries, with someone who cannot communicate directly, and honestly. Learning how to set boundaries is a necessary step in learning to be a friend to ourselves. It is our responsibility to take care of ourselves - to protect ourselves when it is necessary. It is impossible to learn to be Loving to ourselves without owning our self - and owning our rights and responsibilities as co-creators of our lives.

There are basically three parts to a boundary. The first two are setting the boundary - the third is what we will do to defend that boundary.

If you - a description of the behavior we find unacceptable (again being as descriptive as possible.)

I will - a description of what action you will take to protect and take care of your self in the event the other person violates the boundary.

If you continue this behavior - a description of what steps you will take to protect the boundary that you have set.

One very drastic example (in the case of someone who is just learning about boundaries and has been physically abused in the past) would be:

If you ever hit me, I will call the police and press charges - and I will leave this relationship. If you continue to threaten me, I will get a restraining order and prepare to defend myself in whatever manner is necessary.

It is not always necessary or appropriate to share the third part of this formula with the other person when setting a boundary - the first two steps are the actual setting of the boundary. The third part is something we need to know for ourselves, so that we know what action we can take if the other person violates the boundary. If we set a boundary and expect the other person to abide by it automatically - then we are setting ourselves up to be a victim of our expectation.

Setting boundaries is not a more sophisticated way of manipulation or control, although some people will say they are setting boundaries when in fact they are attempting to manipulate or control. The difference between setting a boundary in a healthy way and manipulating or controlling is: when we set a boundary we let go of the outcome, when we try to manipulate or control, we are trying to influence the outcome.

So ask yourself the question: are you setting a boundary, or are you trying to control an manipulate under the mask of setting a boundary?

[nubiangirl]

i take files to a married male coworker of mine. his wife would never have a problem with it. she is supremely nice to me and gets me gifts for helping out her hubby. You are most likely overreacting and need to become acceptant that there are other women in the world, and not all of them you man wants to fuk. Some just work with him.

I think that great the he and his wife established those type of boundaries and she is ok with it, but everyone has their own unique comfortability and doesnt make it overreacting..some people allow porn, some don't, it depends on preference of the two people.
Im sure you and his wife have some form of a relationship, this woman doesnt even acknlowlegde me..
I know there are many women in the world, my guy works with mainly women, of whom I am friends with. there were incidents where he has crossed lines with female co workers, and I actually had one of them disrespect me greatly..
when do you draw the line?

[Sonrisa]

did you provoke them to disrespect you?

[nubiangirl]

The purpose of having boundaries is to protect and take care of ourselves. We need to be able to tell other people when they are acting in ways that are not acceptable to us. A first step is starting to know that we have a right to protect and defend ourselves. That we have not only the right, but the duty to take responsibility for how we allow others to treat us.

It is important to state our feelings out loud, and to precede the feeling with "I feel." (When we say "I am angry, I'm hurt, etc." we are stating that the feeling is who we are. Emotions do not define us, they are a form of internal communication that help us to understand ourselves. They are a vital part of our being - as a component of the whole.) This is owning the feeling. It is important to do for ourselves. By stating the feeling out loud we are affirming that we have a right to feelings. We are affirming it to ourselves - and taking responsibility for owning ourselves and our reality. Rather the other person can hear us and understand is not as important as hearing ourselves and understanding that we have a right to our feelings. It is vitally important to own our own voice. To own our right to speak up for ourselves.

It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who has no boundaries, with someone who cannot communicate directly, and honestly. Learning how to set boundaries is a necessary step in learning to be a friend to ourselves. It is our responsibility to take care of ourselves - to protect ourselves when it is necessary. It is impossible to learn to be Loving to ourselves without owning our self - and owning our rights and responsibilities as co-creators of our lives.

There are basically three parts to a boundary. The first two are setting the boundary - the third is what we will do to defend that boundary.

If you - a description of the behavior we find unacceptable (again being as descriptive as possible.)

I will - a description of what action you will take to protect and take care of your self in the event the other person violates the boundary.

If you continue this behavior - a description of what steps you will take to protect the boundary that you have set.

One very drastic example (in the case of someone who is just learning about boundaries and has been physically abused in the past) would be:

If you ever hit me, I will call the police and press charges - and I will leave this relationship. If you continue to threaten me, I will get a restraining order and prepare to defend myself in whatever manner is necessary.

It is not always necessary or appropriate to share the third part of this formula with the other person when setting a boundary - the first two steps are the actual setting of the boundary. The third part is something we need to know for ourselves, so that we know what action we can take if the other person violates the boundary. If we set a boundary and expect the other person to abide by it automatically - then we are setting ourselves up to be a victim of our expectation.

Setting boundaries is not a more sophisticated way of manipulation or control- although some people will say they are setting boundaries, when in fact they are attempting to manipulate or control. The difference between setting a boundary in a healthy way and manipulating is: when we set a boundary we let go of the outcome, when we try to manipulate or control, we are trying to influence the outcome.

So ask yourself the question: are you setting a boundary, or are you trying to control an manipulate under the mask of setting a boundary?

I am very leneunt when it comes to setting boundaries, He has many women friends and some of them I am friends with, I think I have a problem with this partticular person due to her rude behavior. There was also incidents of him going to far with co workers..such as talking sexual and telling them he loves them..

when that occured I felt necessary to set boundaries because that woman disrespected me and I wanted to prevent that from happening again.

[nubiangirl]

did you provoke them to disrespect you?

No, I actually was nice to them and thought we were friends..Gave her gifts as well..She apparently thought she was his second girlfriend who exchanged I love yous and sexual talk..
threatened him that she wouldnt let me get through with phone calls if he didnt get off the phone (while on his break) to help her do free work.Stood in the doorway yelling ignorant rood things..
offended me greatly

[Sonrisa]

so far i think that your issue is with him and not the females. dump him.

[nubiangirl]

I think your right about that

[Yggdrasil]

so far i think that your issue is with him and not the females. dump him.

I think your right about that

I think you realized you were trying to manipulate him from hurting you, and not trying to set a boundary.

Good for you.

[nubiangirl]

I think you realized you were trying to manipulate him from hurting you, and not trying to set a boundary.

Good for you.

I wouldn't say manipulate , set boundaries to prevent yeah..
Do you consider manipulation when a person doesnt wish their SO to watch porn or go to strip clubs for fear or being hurt or cheated on.
If I dont know what the woman's intentions are due to her behavior then yeah i have a right to prevent myself from feeling uncomfortable. Especially if there are other places they could meet up..Hey I wouldn't mind if they met up for lunch to discuss things. Asking your SO to meet in a more public place is being reasonable and not manipulative at all..

[rose36]

It does sound like you want to control your bf due to some slippery behavior on his part. I agree your issue is with him. Not the women. He can choose not to cross boundaries with the other women. But he is doing as he damn well pleases. He is desrepecting you by doing this. I can understand why you have a hard time trusting him. The problem is the more you try to control him the more he will act out with some woman. Prehaps if you simply say to him 'OK honey, I trust you' and let it go. It'll take the fun out of playing with other women. Or you could get into a power struggle over this which would make it worse. Try it and see what happens.

[IndiReloaded]

there were incidents where he has crossed lines with female co workers, and I actually had one of them disrespect me greatly.

This is what would give me pause^. Still, how long have you been dating. Are you living together? I might just decide that our views on this are too different to justify staying together if he won't change. What you are really describing is socializing with female coworkers, and that is always bad news to my mind.

[Yggdrasil]

I wouldn't say manipulate , set boundaries to prevent yeah..

If I dont know what the woman's intentions are due to her behavior then yeah i have a right to prevent myself from feeling uncomfortable.

Also: there were incidents where he has crossed lines with female co workers

Yep it is control. I think you should read my post again about setting boundaries and what control and manipulation is.

A boundary is: IF YOU (statement) then I WILL (statement) and following through with it.

Example of a boundary in your case: IF YOU keep on flirting with other women I WILL leave you.

Example of what you are saying (or wanting to do): Stop being involved with these women because I don't want to feel crappy.

That's control, you are trying to prevent yourself from being hurt or feeling crappy.

With boundaries, you FOLLOW THROUGH with what you state when the line is being crossed, meaning, if he doesn't stop his behaviour, you leave him.

In other words.. IF you set a boundary, there is a condition attached to it.

So again.. you're trying to manipulate not setting a boundary, and if you can't see that.. oh well, that's your problem.

[nubiangirl]

It does sound like you want to control your bf due to some slippery behavior on his part. I agree your issue is with him. Not the women. He can choose not to cross boundaries with the other women. But he is doing as he damn well pleases. He is desrepecting you by doing this. I can understand why you have a hard time trusting him. The problem is the more you try to control him the more he will act out with some woman. Prehaps if you simply say to him 'OK honey, I trust you' and let it go. It'll take the fun out of playing with other women. Or you could get into a power struggle over this which would make it worse. Try it and see what happens.

okay, I will do that

[nubiangirl]

we actually have been living together for 2 year have a child together.he is a artist and explained that he works with mostly females and nothing wrong with personal socializing and such..everyone does it..Which I accept because it causes me no harm..Only when boundaries are crossed..Like he has another woman who is his work wife..I expressed concerned but was treated like a psycho ..So I left it alone..