Trust Help??

[Beks]

I am having a really hard time trusting my boyfriend. In fact i find myself checking up on him, his email, his FB, his texts.....Every time i do it I feel bad and know I shouldn't be.

Here is the deal though, I DO find things. No elicit affairs or anything but things that I consider to be highly innappropriate in a relationship of our level (we plan on marrying). Today I read a text from a female friend of his and basically he invited her to come to town when I was gone so the could hit up the bars (strip) and she could 'hook up' with a chick.....he explicitly said it was top secret from me. I got pissed went downstairs handed him his phone and said 'I did something stupid, I read your texts, have a great top secret weekend at the titty bars' and got in my car and left for work.

He immeadiatly texted me and stated he uninvited said friend. I made it clear that I considered this a serious problem, and he would NEVER find any such conversations on my phone or email. He owned up that he was wrong apologized and said he wish I hadn't looked at his phone but all said and done is glad I did.

Now I find myself stuck, do I move on? How much do i have to 'say' why this is wrong to me? Does he already get it and is talking about it just going to exasperate the situation? I just don't really know what to say......

[Rollerderby]

It sounds like his female friend is a lesbo, and thus there shouldn't be anything wrong with them hanging out. Sounds more like a guys night out. The only two things that I find that are wrong are A that you snooped, and B that he said he would keep it from you. But did you ever stop to wonder if he keeps things from you because you over-react? Maybe you two aren't mature enough to be getting married...

[Peter Pry]

Rollerderby is absolutely correct. Neither of you is ready for marriage, for reasons which at this moment must be all too obvious. Your marriage would be a nightmare.

Both of you are undermining this relationship: you because you are insecure, and he because he is afraid of you. But you are more at fault. This is not the first time this has happened: you already have him so frightened of you that he actually thanked you for violating his trust. That is called "control." You are controlling and manipulating him.

Advice to you: you need to love yourself before you can possibly love someone else. Your snooping will destroy every relationship you ever have, and you snoop because you are insecure. You are insecure because you have no emotional investment in yourself: you're terrified of losing him and being alone. So stop putting all your emotional eggs into the relationship basket. You need to be in a place where it's OK for him to go to out with his lesbo-friend, where you assume that he's talking with, going out with, and having a good time with his pals and that doesn't threaten you. Remind yourself that in the final analysis, you don't need some man to make you happy. Then you will release this control and happy you will truly be.

"The more you tighten your grip, Tarkin, the more star systems will slip through your fingers."

[lastwish]

I think you overreacted. Its just a strip club, not sleeping with prostitutes. I am amazed that he didn't get mad at you for snooping. If you don't like him going somewhere else to fulfill his sexual needs than have him fantasize about you.

[Rollerderby]

I agree with peter pry. 100%.