After 9 yrs, we break up and she's seeing someone. I want her back. She seems open..

[The Dames]

Alright, this is a long story so I'll try to make it as short as I can. My ex and I were together for 9 years, off and on and for the last 4 years, we were in a long distance relationship. It was actually working out well, but unfortunately, I took up smoking pot years ago. She didn't want me to do it and I ended up quitting for a bit. My dad then passed away and I couldn't take it anymore and I started smoking again and lying about it. I honestly believed she would leave me if I told her and so the lies continued and I continued to smoke. We became distant, the romance left and she became unhappy. Then, she met a guy at jury duty and they began a friendship that instantly enraged me since I was a very jealous person. We began fighting about that and it just drove her away even further.

She thought we should take a break so I could deal with my issues but I didn't want to face them and basically told her if she wanted to leave, she should go. She did and I was completely devastated to the point of considering suicide. I met a girl who I believe is an angel from heaven because she saved me from death and taught me how to love myself again. The new girl is my friend and not someone that I'm looking to be with.

My ex has always wanted me to change things about myself and to be honest, the things she wanted were things I wanted for myself. For me to care about my appearance, to be her equal as opposed to depending on her, to not be so jealous about every guy she meets and stop being afraid of life.

Now, I actually have improved a ton. I quit smoking pot, I don't even miss it and I've lost a few pounds. I'm working out regularly and I've been buying new clothes and being a neat, well kept person for once. I've stopped being afraid of life and I'm trying new foods, etc. I feel as if I've made enough personal improvements that I'm becoming the man she wanted to begin with.

The last time she and I spoke in Feb, she told me she was seeing someone and I FLIPPED OUT on her and I didn't talk to her again for months. Since then, all of the improvements I discussed took place and I would say that I've let go of a lot of my insecurity and jealousy as well.

So, she contacts me last week (I owed her some money actually) and I tell her how I've changed and want to win her back. I told her the truth about everything. The pot smoking, the rebound girl I ended up hooking up with, my new friend who helped me. She tells me she's been seriously dating jury duty guy now for 3 months and she's happy. She was the one who says she thinks its serious as they've gone on a 2 week vacation to Europe together and she's been sleeping with him at his place on weekends. I actually took it very well because the truth is, he's not me. He doesn't get her like I do and probably never will. Almost a decade, she was almost my wife, you know...

Anyway, I made it VERY clear to her that I want her back. Since then, we've been talking to each other every day on texts, emails and phone calls and she hasn't told him at all that we've been talking and has lied about it. I know I've put her in an uncomfortable position but I can't let her go. I know that I'm going to be the man she desired and I will fight for her.

I sent her a vermont teddy bear to her job and she said not to send big gifts like that...but little gifts are fine. She seems receptive to what I'm saying but then tells me not to call her sweetie or baby or anything like that. My female friends have all told me that I've got a shot but in order for me to do so, I have to stop pushing her and just show her that I've changed. They all say that the way she's been reacting shows that she's been thinking about things and that can only be a good thing.

Her mom saw that I texted her last night and gave her a lecture about playing with fire. I felt really bad because I didnt want to get her into trouble but her response is that she's a big girl and not to worry about her mom.

I want her back and I know that so far I've been doing everything right to do so but I'm just terrified that she's going to stay with this new guy and I'll be devastated. I don't want to wait forever and I don't want to be the cause of their break up. She's not the kind of person who takes relationships lightly and yet I can't help but feel if she wasn't receptive to what I was saying, she would have shot me down by now.

I need some advice please...and I'll gladly answer any questions about the scenario if you have any.

[Yggdrasil]

She tells me she's been seriously dating jury duty guy now for 3 months and she's happy. She was the one who says she thinks its serious as they've gone on a 2 week vacation to Europe together and she's been sleeping with him at his place on weekends.

What is she telling you? In simple words: you're history.

I sent her a vermont teddy bear to her job and she said not to send big gifts like that...but little gifts are fine. She seems receptive to what I'm saying but then tells me not to call her sweetie or baby or anything like that. My female friends have all told me that I've got a shot but in order for me to do so, I have to stop pushing her and just show her that I've changed. They all say that the way she's been reacting shows that she's been thinking about things and that can only be a good thing.

Yeah, she's being nice, she doesn't want to hurt your feelings. Neither do your female friends want to hurt your feelings.

Anyway, I made it VERY clear to her that I want her back.

You can want as much as you want, she doesn't want you back and that has nothing to do with what you want.

Reality check: your relation with her is over, she has somebody else in her life and she told you that. Your opinion about him is of no importance, you had your chance, you ruined it, you're history.

Move on with your life. All you're going to do is hurt yourself.

As for your female 'friends' telling you that you can have her back, they're just being nice to you, just like your ex is being nice to you. Women usualy don't understand this kind of niceness (trying to spare your feelings) hurts guys like hell.

Accept that it's over and leave her be, keep on doing what you're doing and next thing you'll see will be a restraining order comming your direction.

Hey, it's your life.

[ender06]

Move on with your life. All you're going to do is hurt yourself.
Accept that it's over and leave her be, keep on doing what you're doing and next thing you'll see will be a restraining order comming your direction.

It easier said than done. And ALL your advice is the same to everyone, "Just move on" I'm sure he is tired of hearing that. I am!