Hurt and Confused

[Nemo]

Ladies, please bear with me, I'm very confused and don't know what to do.

I started dating my girlfriend (we'll call her Jane) almost 2 years ago. Bit of background. She got married at 20 to her high school boyfriend; had two beautiful children by him; he turned into a drug user and general thug, never around, mentally abusive, etc. She finally divorced him at age 28.

She and I worked together and I guess always had a bit of a crush on each other but never even remotely acted on it, but once it was known that she and her husband were seperated for several months, we let our feelings out in the open and started seeing each other. We fell in love quickly. Her divorce was final about 14 months ago.

Not only was the first year of our relationship bliss, but her kids (4 and 5) and I love each other dearly. Jane was effusive for about a year that I was the best thing that had ever happened to them and she wanted to be with me forever. The problem was I told her early on I didn't plan on staying in the state we live in. At the time that was no big deal, but as she fell more in love with me, she worried more and more about me leaving. So I eventually started telling her I'd consider getting married - but she adamantly fears ever leaving this state and uprooting the kids, even though she has full custody.

Her Dad died in Nov and she really went into depression and pulled away from me. She is carrying tremendous guilt about putting her kids through divorce (even though he deserved it), and realizes she's never been "single" since 10th grade. She finally ended our relationship a month or so ago saying that she knows she's making a huge mistake, but she just can't handle the stress of being in a relationship. We both know we got involved too soon on the heels of her divorce, but my opinion is when you love somebody, you fight through the pain and work it out. Her feeling is she can't cope with the stress of being in a relationship while she's dealing with so much baggage and guilt.

I can't walk away because I love her too much. She wants to be friends, but gets upset because I want her to just say when she gets her life under control, we'll give it a shot. She won't do it, saying she feels like she can't talk about the future when she is trying to figure out who she is. It's not like she wants to date other guys - she knows she's too messed up for a relationship. It's just killing me that she can't say we'll try again one day. I feel she's being selfish, but at the same time, I sympathize with her situation - she's never even been able to go to a movie alone her adult life.

I know if I don't remain friends with her, someone will come along after she's "grown up" and be there. However it really hurts me to look into her eyes and no longer hear those words of love and devotion she used to say to me.

I know ... first relationships after divorce seldom last, but I really believe we had something special, and in fact, when I ask her if she's still in love with me she says "yes, I just can't be in a relationship now - I'm not treating you right and I have to sort out my own problems."

Any advice? I'm really hurting. Giving her space and not bringing "us" up is very hard on me. She says she can't say we'll be together or we won't ... am I wrong wanting her to say we'll at least give it a try or should I seriously just back off totally for a while?

Thanks,
Nemo

[turbo240]

sounds really similar to my situation.as much as it hurts and all that shit your feeling in ur heart.let it go!!!!its funny im telling u this because of my situation but no contact for some weeks is in store bro.do it and see what happens.gl man!

[Yggdrasil]

In my opinion you should let go of control and back off.

It's obvious she needs space, and the more you are going to force her to make some kind of commitment, the more you are pushing her and the more you are being clingy, the more you're gona push her away from you. Don't you see that?

Again in my opinion, the reason you're trying to force her to staying close to you, is because you don't want to be or feel hurt. I say: grow up and learn to let go of control. Because, seriously, that's all you are doing, you are trying to control the situation. It doesn't work that way. All you are doing is making it worse.

Remember: "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were."