How to trust? I want to.

[Jessatasia]

I am trying to trust him, but it is not easy.

1) We got into a big fight, and I told him I wanted to talk. He said he was going to his mom’s, and asked if I wanted to go. I decided not to. He said he would call when he got home. As it started getting late, I called him he said he was still there and would call later. His father had just got out of the hospital and was on oxygen, so around 10 pm I called him again, he didn’t answer. So I sent a text saying I was going to bed. No answer. I couldn’t sleep so I called him, again no answer. So sent a text asking if he was around. No answer. Thinking that he would probably be home before long, I drove to his house, he wasn’t there. I waited for a bit, after a while I left. On the way home I remembered he had a friend close by which was on my way home so I drove by and there was his van. I sent him a message telling him I knew he was there. (the friend is a girl.) He never replied. I went home immediately. I sent him a couple more messages, asking him why and what I had done. He never replied. I went to sleep. Around 1:30 am I got a phone call from the girls phone, when I answered she/he hung up. The next day I sent several messages, he never answered. Finally around 5:00 pm he answered and told me to come over. I did we talked.

2) Around a month later I was pretty much living at his place, and had a key. I had to be at work at around 7 so I left, got to work found I didn’t’ have to work. He was a sleep when I left so I figured he might still be so didn’t call. I got there and this girl was there they were in the bedroom with the door locked. Now remember I would of only had been gone for 20 minutes. So his defense is that she was his friend and they were just talking and her clothes were on so I had no reason to be upset. Also, in his defense, he shared a duplex with a married couple so most times they did spend in their rooms. We talked again I tried to forget.

3) We bought a house, moved in together. One day he had problems with his computer so he asked me to fix it. I was downloading drivers and typed the wrong thing into the url, noticed that one of those singles sites came up. So I figured out his account and logged on to it. There his picture was with his current information. I confronted him, he still to this day swears it was spam and they put it in there. I can not get him to understand that it doesn’t work that way. You can’t get a password, nor your picture in there with out inputting it. Again I try to move on.

4) Recently, I asked him why he spends such a long time in the bathroom, he says he goes to the bathroom, washes his face, etc. I said something about his phone he says he doesn’t use it. We discuss this for a bit, he continually says he didn’t use it. He tells me to check his phone. Which he has said several times. Finally I said ok let me see it. Sure enough there were 2 text messages on there for the time he was in the bathroom. He then says you need to be specific I didn’t know you were talking text. I told him that was being technical and he should of know, then of course he said that if he had something to hide he would of deleted and not let me see his phone. But see those messages came after he had came out, and since I never looked at his phone before he probably didn’t think I would look at it.

This really upsets him, and he says I keep bringing up the past. Then he ask me why I don’t trust him, so when I explain all the things he has done to lead to this distrust he says I won’t forget and that I always come back to the same things. What I try to explain is that it is because they all add up. Yes I can forgive but if he keeps doing things to make me not trust him how can I forget them. When things do arise he is very quick to twist the things around to make it as if I am the one in the wrong. He will get very mad at me, cut me off and won’t listen to what I am feeling. He says over and over that I am the one with the problem, but at the same time tells me to prove things, yet when I do he denies or makes it out like I am the one with the problem.

He says I have issues, and need to get over it. He blames me for the distrust. I want to trust him, I really do love him. Do I believe him that he is just friends with this girl, yes. Do I believe he is not cheating on me yes. I just want him to be honest with me. Anyway, I am trying real hard to believe what he tells me, I love him and am trying to trust him. Am I wrong? Do I need to let things go? I thought I was, but when he asks what am I to say, when things just keep adding up. If I am not wrong how to I get him to see that it is cause and effect.

I guess I am writing here, so that I can show him other views on the situation, either that I need to move on and get over things or that he needs to do things a bit differently, either is fine. But right now the way things are is not good for either of us.

[Gigabitch]

Oh, my God. Use your head, girl. You don't trust him because he's a skeezy weasel. Your distrust of him is the only piece of good judgment I see in your entire post.

Women like you are why men do this kind of crap- because they totally get away with it. Stop supporting this wretched behavior. Find somebody with some character.

[Jessatasia]

Maybe I should walk away, but I need to say that our latest arguement was last night. I am very good on computers, and not much he can hide, I checked his computer for a while with nothing jumping out, including checking the registry. He says that he no longer talks to his friend, and as far as the phone, though I don't check it he leaves it by me and on. I have not checked it. Seems pointless, for even he has said that if he was doing something he could just delete what ever is on there before he gets home from work. The phone incident just happened this past weekend. And as I said I am trying to trust him, it is just things keep popping up. Also, last night while we were looking on his email, with me sitting right there, I did notice another one of those singles sites, asked him about it he threw it in spam and moved on. So of course today I logged in and sure enough there was a profile setup for it. It does look like it was setup when that one was that I had found several months back. The thing is though he has opened his email with me there often and even called me to check for something in his email, this spam had not shown up until recently. Bah, I know this is messed up.

Anyway, thank you for the replys.

[Jessatasia]

programmer, network trouble-shooter for large companies, setup security/firewalls, check security for companies.

[Jessatasia]

I love to work on computers.

lol you made me laugh, first time for days. I love to laugh... As for what I look like ppl say I am hot, however when I look in the mirror I don't see it.. And yes I am a woman.

[Jessatasia]

silly, I wasn't talking about programmers. I was talking in general. Like driving down the street, ppl whistling, or in the store ppl watching me, etc... I don't notice but my bf does.

[Yggdrasil]

Maybe I should walk away

Maybe you should never have moved in...

How many more red flags do you need?

[alovehangoverr]

I'm not sure how you've managed to convince yourself to stick around this long.

You have all the facts staring you in the face.

Everything has done points to him being dishonest and more than likely unfaithful to you.

As for him turning things around on you-- that's called gaslighting. Instead of calmly talking to you about things and being logical he gets defensive and makes you out to be the crazy way. It's a ploy to get you distracted from the real issue. Cheaters do it all the time.. I know mine did.

Bail sooner rather than later.. the longer you wait the worse it is.

[Jessatasia]

wow... thanks for the input...

[ramjab16]

I guess the reason why you still wanted to stick with him

is that...

You're still wishing that someday your relationship might just actually work for the both of you...

But...it isn't heading for that way...

Coz from what it seems

that guy shouldn't be really

trusted...

[whaywardj]

Whatever is or isn't happening in this soap opera, it's turned you into a stalker and an invader of a person's privacy. If that's who you like being, hang in there with it. Otherwise...