He can't seem to get over his ex

[Cat8]

Ok, deep breath, and... here we go...

Once apon a time a boy named Ryan, fell inlove with a girl named Al. He loved her lots and they were happy. Till she cheated on him three months into the relationship. Just a drunk'n kiss with some random guy at a nightclub, but still, she cheated. He decided to forgive her and keep the relationship going. Everything went back to normal and they spent the next six months very happy together. In the beginning of the new year she moved down south to go to University. He stayed behind intending to work another year before moving down to join her. About 5 months into this long distance relationship a friend approched ryan to tell him that he suspected Al was up to her old tricks again. Turns out he was right. Not only that, but she broke up with Ryan and chose to be with this new man in her life instead of him. Ryan was devistated. At the time I was working with Ryan, and he talked to me a little about what had gone on.

One night near the end of the year (5months after the breakup), Ryan and I hooked up at a party. At the time I wasn't interested in anything more then just that, but he spent the next couple months persuing me, eventually feelings developed and we started going out.

I have to say at this point that Ryan is the kind of boyfriend that you see on those romantic comedy movies and think ... "if only that guy really existed". But there's been one hitch. Yep, you guessed it! His ex.

About a month into our relationship he went to a party, I wasn't there, SHE was. She got really drunk, spewing all over herself and stuff. He told me he felt sorry for her, so spent the evening helping her. But infact it was more then that. They almost kissed and she spent the night in a tent cuddled up to him. I told him that I thought he wasn't over her, but he insisted I was wrong and that he only loved me. I suspiciously accepted his answer and moved on. He still wanted to be friends with her, so they texted each other and he called her probably once every couple weeks. Then a couple months ago some friends of ours broke up, Ryan was quite friendly with the chick so he was texting her to help her feel better. I read one of the texts he'd sent her saying... "It takes time, but you will get over her. It took me 8 months." Lets remember the fact that me and Ryan started going out 5 months after he broke up with Al. Lets also remember the fact that he'd been telling me he was over her, and here he is admitting he wasn't!

At this point I felt I had to say something. So I told him how I felt and asked him to stop texting and calling her. He agreed, without complaint of any kind. I thought that was that.

But about two weeks ago I picked up his contract for his cell phone, which listed all the numbers he had called or texted. He had still been calling her and texting her since he had agreed not to. He'd even been reasuring me that he wasn't! Then last week I get home from work one day to find a msn messenger screen from her ending a conversation they'd had. I rang him up (he was at his work) and asked him what it was about. He told me she'd been slagging me off because I didn't want him talking to her, calling me psycho and absessive. I asked him if he defended me at all and he said no.

Enough was enough. I broke up with him. That was four days ago. Since then I've talked to him. He says he doesn't know why he can't stop talking to her, and that he lied coz he knew I'd react bad if I found out. I told him how much it hurt me and I couldn't be with someone who did love me 100%. I told him he needed to figure out if he could do that. So he's gone on holiday to the country for a week to think.

If he says he can... then great! I'll have a wonderful boyfriend who is inlove with only me.

If he says he can't... well then I guess I made the right decision.

I truely do love this guy more then I've ever loved anyone else. I'm risking everything to sort this out. Any advise???

[swimmingNreverie]

Whether he talks to her or not, you have to have the confidence and TRUST that he cares about you. A truly good and healthy relationship is a relationship with trust. If you trust him, then whether he text messages that girl shouldn't matter. And if you don't trust him, then what are you doing with him?
Its a hard thing to do, I know, but if you can't do it, then he's probably not the one for you, and thats something to think about.

[Cat8]

Its not that I didn't trust him, it was that I didn't trust her. I was always thinking about when she was going to try it on next. And when they spent the night together, he's admitted that he could have stopped it long before it went as far as it did. Then he's lied to me so much about his feelings for her, and whether or not he was talking to her. Then he defends her but not me. I want to trust him, but how could have I had let this carry on?

[jslaughter]

If he lied to you about talking to his ex - how can you trust him? Do you want to spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder waiting to find out when she's going to bounce back into his life wrecking havoc?

Run, run like the wind!

[BillyGalbreath]

I can tell you from experience he will (if not already) sleep with his ex one last time. I know, I did it... But then after that he is going to sit back and think, and think, and think. And he will realize he cant have both. Then he will choose the girl he wants to be with. No longer holding on to the edge of both worlds, but he will dive head first into one. Too bad I choose Destine instead of Robin (I cheated on Destine, with Robin[the ex] and then Destine left me like 1.5 years later)....... But meh, thats life. You live, you choose, you learn.

[Anthony]

I think you made the right decision, there is nothing more detrimental to a relationship than distrust and disloyalty. He can't continue to be on closer terms with his ex-girlfriend and claim to be loyal to you at the same time -- one of you needs to be left behind.

If it were myself, I would have left the relationship considerably earlier than you did; I don't see how someone claiming to love you could actually be genuine, while still remaining infatuated with another woman.

[Cat8]

Thankyou for all your support. Its been a really tough week... wondering if I made the right choices. Love is such a hard thing. He's still in the country, comes back in two days. I wonder what he'll have to say... will he see the error of his ways? I can only dream that he will! The thought did pass through my head that he might sleep with her one last time, then I wondered if that made him decide that I was it for him whether or not I should take him back. Its all so confusing. No offence to the male population out there, but GUYS ARE SUCH DICKS!

I just wanna be loved truely and wholey... is that so much to ask?

[Cat8]

FINAL CHAPTER:

He came home today. We're not getting back together. He told me he couldn't give me what I deserved out of the relationship.

So thankyou for all your advise. But its all worth nothing now.

[Cybog]

Come on.....this guy sounded like a dumb**** in the first place.

Any guy that "almost" cheated on you, most likely did, or would have eventually. Random phone calls to his ex? "Cant stop talking to her"?

It sounds like your relationship had some rapids running right through the middle of it in the first place. You are better off without him.