money issue

[spacecow]

So i started dating my boyfriend 2months ago and we go out very often.I think he is an amazing guy and everything, but it makes me mad because he always pays for me when we go out and it makes me feel super uncomfortable.
When we started going out i was like..."okay he wants to be a gentleman and all" but now i just feel bad. Whenever I offer to pay he says no way, and lately I started buying tickets online for concerts and stuff, and he said that he doesnt want me to spend money on him and he will get really mad if i keep buying the tickets online.
what do i do to make him allow me to pay sometimes?

[Yggdrasil]

Explain him not to be so financialy controlling.

It's ok to pay first the first few dates, but once you're an established couple, it's more ok to share.

If he keeps on doing that, maybe try a boundary to the extend of: "if you keep on insisting paying for everything, I will not accept it and pay my share, while you pay yours." (aka go halfers on everything).

[spacecow]

I tried doing that it doesnt work. and the worst part is that he can see my bank account (he works at the bank) and he knows i dont have tons of money and he wants me to save. switch banks??

[Yggdrasil]

I tried doing that it doesnt work. and the worst part is that he can see my bank account (he works at the bank) and he knows i dont have tons of money and he wants me to save. switch banks??

Doll, I could be wrong, but I think I see a red flag there. Google for: 'financial abuse'.

[spacecow]

No its not that bad, I dont mind it if he looks at my bank account, but i want to paaaaayyy sometimes!

[vashti]

Some people gain pleasure in being generous. Perhaps he is one of these people. Why should you want to deny him his ability to feel generous?

On the other hand, if you want to treat to certain things occassionally, he shouldn't stop you. Maybe he feels you are spending your money irresponsibly? I mean, I wouldn't feel comfortable for a guy I was dating to know the details of my money, but the fact that he DOES means that he can tell when you are spending money you don't really have. Why don't you treat to something you can actually afford, like maybe movie rentals and pizza rather than concerts?

And yes, you should change banks. He is violating your privacy by looking at your account information.

EDIT: Ygg - Financial abuse? In the hospital, this means someone is using your money for their own gain. I don't see how this applies at all.

[Yggdrasil]

it makes me feel super uncomfortable....now i just feel bad. Whenever I offer to pay he says no way, and lately I started buying tickets online for concerts and stuff, and he said that he doesnt want me to spend money on him and he will get really mad if i keep buying the tickets online.

I dunno doll.. but I'd watch my back. Sounds pretty controlling to me.

[spacecow]

I trust him with the banking stuff and i know he would never do anything wrong and he just wants to help him. Now I'm just going to start coming up with some free dates ideas

[Yggdrasil]

Ygg - Financial abuse? In the hospital, this means someone is using your money for their own gain. I don't see how this applies at all.

Signs of financial abuse:

- not permitting you to spend available funds on yourself
- having to account for every penny spent

From: YWCA Factsheet

Vashti, I am not saying he is financialy abusive, I am saying: keep an eye open. To me, he sounds controlling to. Could be I am overcautious, but I have this 'rather safe than sorry' attitude.

[vashti]

Did I miss something? It sounded to me like he didn't want her spending her money on HIM. That isn't abuse.

Spacecow - I'm sure he would be more comfortable accepting your generosity if he didn't think you were hurting yourself over it. I think that is kind of sweet, really.

[spacecow]

Okay its not like he goes and look at my bank account and says: "ohh you bought a $5 coffee today"or"your jeans are too expensive", or" dont spend so much money when you go out with your friends". He doesnt say anything about that, he just doesnt want me spending money on him.

[Yggdrasil]

Did I miss something? It sounded to me like he didn't want her spending her money on HIM. That isn't abuse.

It may (MAY) be a sign of. It also may be a sign of being controlling.

I'm not arguing what you said vashti, it could be harmless and he just could be worried about her spending habbits, but then I think he should say so, instead of saying that he will get really mad.

Or maybe he just want to come over as Mr. Bigshot. Who knows.

I think there are far better ways of expressing what he would like her to do with her money.

[vashti]

Ygg's a little paranoid. I think he sounds like a nice guy. Still, I would want my financial afairs to be private, so I still think you should find another bank.

[Yggdrasil]

Ygg's a little paranoid.

I agree... it's this little bit of healthy paranoia that has kept me from making a crapload of mistakes though. Like I said earlier, maybe I am over-cautious.

[navybones]

Make a game out of it, lol - My ex and I used to see who could get the check first.

She was winning until I started asking for the check when we got seated.


V/r,
TK, USN