Boyfriend: How to overcome sexual disinterest

[switched]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 months. We were friends for 4 months before dating. Prior to dating this guy I was married. But the marriage was fairly platonic which left me dissatisfied (our chemistry wasn't a good fit). I'm a highly sexual individual. It was always a non-physical relationship, but I overlooked that because he was good partner material. (I divorced months before dating my current partner).

I am my bf's first real girlfriend. Note that we are both 30 years old. He has basically been afraid of girls most of his life. He fears that he will do something offensive and he doesn't want hard feelings. He is more interested in the friendship being maintained than satisfying urges. I really enjoy his respectful nature. However, I must admit I like men to be a bit like beasts.

In the beginning we explored a great deal. We played many sex games and it was an exciting adventure. We spent the first 4 months in bed cuddling, having sex, and talking about everything.

My boyfriend has sexual performance anxiety. He has successfully used erectile aides such as Viagra (which was fine by me). However, it goes further than just erectile dysfunction. Once his mind is in a state of worry or if he focuses on things outside of the relationship, our sex life gets put on pause. It would appear as though he doesn't crave it. This can happen for around a week. So I am super horny this whole time and feel lonely.
Also, he starts treating me less like a woman and more like a buddy. It's hard to explain to him precisely how I'd like to be treated as a woman. (Things like saying "bless you", opening doors, coming up behind me and squeezing me). During this time he becomes focused on "masculine activities". He still wants to share with me, but I feel a little like I can't relate to his needs.

When this isn't going on our sex is amazing, our communication is fantastic, and I feel very intimate and close to him. He is NOT impulsive. He tends to think about things at great length before he does them. My craving for a care-free sexually charged relationship goes unsatisfied sometimes.

I'm worried because there are so many ways that he completes me. When things are good, they can be so very good. I have met his parents and grandparents, so I believe that he is interested in a long term commitment with me. I want this to work. I fear that it won't because I can't deal with the scenario.
I know that to some degree my desire is unreasonable. I know that eventually sex in relationships slows down. But I am concerned that's not the issue. I begin thinking it's about me, despite his saying it's not.

I'm not sure what my question is.
I would like general observations and personal stories from those that can relate to this little dilemma.
Any advice on how to get his attention, how to change my perspective? I appreciate whatever you can offer!

[starbuck]

You say that sometimes it takes him a week to be interested in sex. So you have sex once a week? Just trying to clarifying how often or little you have sex.

Also have you tried talking to him about this? Have you told him that you'd like to have sex more than once a week? Or does he have no clue you feel this way?

6 months seems too early for the sex to slow down.

[Junket]

Sounds like he has personal issues he needs to overcome, first.

Any pressure from you will most likely just lead to more anxiety.

[switched]

You say that sometimes it takes him a week to be interested in sex. So you have sex once a week? Just trying to clarifying how often or little you have sex.

Also have you tried talking to him about this? Have you told him that you'd like to have sex more than once a week? Or does he have no clue you feel this way?

6 months seems too early for the sex to slow down.

about once a week now. It was from 3x a week to 3x a day only a couple of months ago.

I've been vocal and direct about my needs. He wants me to be understanding about his issue.
I'm sympathetic to him but, I'm at a place where I'm unsure if I can handle this.

[Junket]

about once a week now. It was from 3x a week to 3x a day only a couple of months ago.

I've been vocal and direct about my needs. He wants me to be understanding about his issue.
I'm sympathetic to him but, I'm at a place where I'm unsure if I can handle this.

If he's not willing to work on fixing it, then you need to be willing to decide whether or not this is a deal breaker for you.

Sounds like it is.

It's a legitimate a reason as any other.

[Yggdrasil]

Wait.. didn't I read in your introduction you're into BDSM and you're a dominatrix?

I am very active in the BDSM community and so is my current partner. I, myself, am a Professional Dominatrix.

....Maybe that's the problem.. I mean.. cuddling... snuggling.. Maybe you should whip him into submission? J/K...

Maybe he's just not that much into BDSM as he thought he was and it was all an experiment for him? (I am asuming of course you guys are having this kinky stuff going on between the two of you).

[starbuck]

To help the relationship survive it's going to take a readjustment of your priorites (after all, you can't get upset everytime you're horny and he's not). The alternative is realizing that he's not a match for you and trying to find someone more suitable for you sexually.

Do you think you're possibly bringing some baggage from your sexless marriage into your current relationship?

[switched]

Wait.. didn't I read in your introduction you're into BDSM and you're a dominatrix?



....Maybe that's the problem.. I mean.. cuddling... snuggling.. Maybe you should whip him into submission? J/K...

Maybe he's just not that much into BDSM as he thought he was and it was all an experiment for him? (I am asuming of course you guys are having this kinky stuff going on between the two of you).

We met on a BDSM dating site. When he didn't have a partner he did some of these activities on his own.

Also, the majority of what we do is cuddling and snuggling.

[switched]

To help the relationship survive it's going to take a readjustment of your priorites (after all, you can't get upset everytime you're horny and he's not). The alternative is realizing that he's not a match for you and trying to find someone more suitable for you sexually.

Well, it's not just being horny. It's the attention sometimes. When he turns off, he forgets about me. He buries himself from the world. The sex, I suppose, is indicative of something much bigger.
It's a shame, he's a really great guy.

Do you think you're possibly bringing some baggage from your sexless marriage into your current relationship?

I wasn't attracted to my ex, that was the main issue we had. But I think there's a point to this. I finally have a guy I really dig and I'm a little bummed that he's not as sexually driven as I am.

[Yggdrasil]

We met on a BDSM dating site. When he didn't have a partner he did some of these activities on his own.

Also, the majority of what we do is cuddling and snuggling.

I starting to think he may be one of those kind of guys who retreat in their shell when they are trying to figure out a problem. That doesn't mean they don't love your or don't care about you.

They just need their private space to figure stuff out, and once they have, they're back as if nothing happend.

It would be nice if he could tell you that of course.

Maybe you should ask him?

[switched]

I starting to think he may be one of those kind of guys who retreat in their shell when they are trying to figure out a problem. That doesn't mean they don't love your or don't care about you.

They just need their private space to figure stuff out, and once they have, they're back as if nothing happend.

It would be nice if he could tell you that of course.

Maybe you should ask him?

Actually I know you're right.
Is it selfish if that pisses me off? It's creating an issue for me. I feel like he retreats and I don't have a boyfriend all week.
I miss him. I get lonely. I don't know how to react because he's not just being a d*ck. It would be easier to leave if he were.
I just don't know if I can take his "out of sight out of mind" mentality. I don't want to be buried with the rest of his problems.

[Yggdrasil]

Actually I know you're right.
Is it selfish if that pisses me off? It's creating an issue for me. I feel like he retreats and I don't have a boyfriend all week.
I miss him. I get lonely. I don't know how to react because he's not just being a d*ck. It would be easier to leave if he were.
I just don't know if I can take his "out of sight out of mind" mentality. I don't want to be buried with the rest of his problems.

On the question if the out of sight, out of mind, I don't think you're out of his mind. I am quite sure if an emergency would arise he'd be there the full 100%.

On the question if you can handle his retreating in order to solve problems in his mind: it's the way he is and the way his brain works. There's no way of changing that.

I would ask a different question (don't take this as an offense): are you joined at the hip with him?

Because, the way I understand it: the healthiest and greatest relations are formed by people who are able exist as individuals within a relation.

That doesn't mean there isn't a certain amount of dependency there, but there's a big difference between a healthy amount of dependency and being co-dependent. I sure hope that's not the case, because then the issue would be rather on your end.

Not sure if I am making sense with this, but I think it's a vallid question to ask yourself.

[switched]

On the question if the out of sight, out of mind, I don't think you're out of his mind. I am quite sure if an emergency would arise he'd be there the full 100%.

On the question if you can handle his retreating in order to solve problems in his mind: it's the way he is and the way his brain works. There's no way of changing that.

I would ask a different question (don't take this as an offense): are you joined at the hip with him?

Because, the way I understand it: the healthiest and greatest relations are formed by people who are able exist as individuals within a relation.

That doesn't mean there isn't a certain amount of dependency there, but there's a big difference between a healthy amount of dependency and being co-dependent. I sure hope that's not the case, because then the issue would be rather on your end.

Not sure if I am making sense with this, but I think it's a vallid question to ask yourself.

even when we are together during these episodes, he can't touch me like he did before. He doesn't initiate a simple peck on the cheek. It's weird to me. I don't know if it's co-dependency.
It's tougher because we spent 4 months essentially making out, and now it dwindles every time there's a problem. I'm sure some of the issue is my perception, no doubt. But it doesn't make it any less of a real issue.

[Yggdrasil]

even when we are together during these episodes, he can't touch me like he did before. He doesn't initiate a simple peck on the cheek. It's weird to me. I don't know if it's co-dependency.
It's tougher because we spent 4 months essentially making out, and now it dwindles every time there's a problem. I'm sure some of the issue is my perception, no doubt. But it doesn't make it any less of a real issue.

I agree you both have an issue at hand there.

I think the best course of action would be to talk to him about it when he is available.

With talking I mean that you express your concerns to him calmly while also acknowledging that you understand why he retreats like that.

However, as his partner, you have the right to utter your concerns and the way it makes you feel.

Now you seem to be a pretty mature person to me, so I think you should be able to have a mature conversation about this with him.

After all, you don't want ghosts in the closeth right?

Of course, I don't know his side of the story and I only can advise what I would do in such situation.

I firmly believe that communication is the key to the sollution here.

As when it comes to you personaly, I would attempt to figure out if you may have a dependency issue. Again no offense intended, but if that's the case, it will affect every relation you'd be in for the worse.

It simply strikes me as odd that you seem to have this strong emotional feeling of being lonely when he's not available, eventhough around physicaly. Frequently, that indicates emotional dependency.

There's a question you could ask yourself there: if I would be entirely alone, without a partner, would I be happy and satisfied, or would I feel alone and down?

Don't take any of this personal. I am simply trying to provide best advice possible in given circumstances and with the information provided.

What you do with the advice is up to you.

[switched]

As when it comes to you personaly, I would attempt to figure out if you may have a dependency issue. Again no offense intended, but if that's the case, it will affect every relation you'd be in for the worse.

It simply strikes me as odd that you seem to have this strong emotional feeling of being lonely when he's not available, eventhough around physicaly. Frequently, that indicates emotional dependency.

Let me say first that I appreciate your input.
I think one thing to consider when examining posts such as these is that the poster is often at the 'lowest' point in terms of how they are feeling towards their scenario.

I was missing him, terribly. I examined some literature on codependency and I don't feel that is the issue. I was simply at my wits end on trying to understand the situation.

Now with some time to "settle", I've decided to take a break from the situation. It's frustrating and I don't have the energy for it.
This could be it for he and I. It saddens me, but it's only half my decision, isn't it? Since he can't or won't work on this issue, I can't do it for him.

Thank you all for your insights. I truly appreciate them.