Could do with some female advice

[UKj1970]

I'm going to try to keep this brief so I dont take up too much of your time. Its likely to be long though - so sorry in advance.

A long standing friend of mine is separated from her husband (he's not really a friend of mine and he's been pretty bad to her) and I've had feelings for her for years.

We started hanging out as friends and I told her I liked her. She said she just wanted independence (which I said was fine).

We went out and at a bar, we kissed - the next day she texted me to ask me to back off - which I did (I dont want to hurt her)

2 weeks later she came to a party I was throwing, we stayed up late (quite drunk) and after everyone else left or fell asleep we made out - she told me she was confused and I gave her a CD of a song I wrote for her. (Yeah, I know, cheesy - but I wanted to share it with her - it was for her after all)

The next day she texted me to say the song was beautiful but we should only see each other with other friends from now on. I thought I had blown it. But she texted shortly after to say "I know its a bad idea but how about dinner at yours on Wednesday". I almost fell off my chair!

When she arrived she said she didnt want to drink (fair enough) but she quickly changed her mind when I offered her a drink and after a couple of hours we ended up naked in bed (but didnt have sex) just alot of affection.

The next morning she agreed to see me Saturday for dinner and was affectionate towards me when we woke up - but later in the day texted me to say "You know saturday isnt a date right?" -

So now I dont know what I should do - keep on message and hope she comes round or back off again? I dont want to hurt her at all - I want to make a go of this, but I also dont want her thinking I'm playing with her. I really do care - so I need advice and I think other women are probably the best to give it to me (I hope!). Thanks in advance

[Yggdrasil]

I know I am a guy and you ask for female advice.

However: why don't you just be honest to her instead of playing into her games?

If she's confused and doesn't know what she wants, hey, that's fine. But do you honestly believe you should enable her with this particular kind of confusing behaviour?

Or would both of you be better served in the long run if you both know where you are standing?

[UKj1970]

I know I am a guy and you ask for female advice.

However: why don't you just be honest to her instead of playing into her games?

If she's confused and doesn't know what she wants, hey, that's fine. But do you honestly believe you should enable her with this particular kind of confusing behaviour?

Or would both of you be better served in the long run if you both know where you are standing?

Hi - thanks for the reply - But I'm not sure really what you mean? I have been absolutely clear with her about my intentions. Is that what you mean?

[Yggdrasil]

Hi - thanks for the reply - But I'm not sure really what you mean? I have been absolutely clear with her about my intentions. Is that what you mean?

It isn't really clear from your post that you made your intentions clear. All it says is that you told her you like her, which is not really making your intentions clear.

Making your intentions clear (in my opinion at least) is saying something like: You and I have to talk. I am very interested in having a long term relation with you, with eventualy the option to marry, if we work out. I know it's early and you just broke up, but I don't want to miss out on this oppurtunity by not telling you how I feel about you, etc etc...

Since it appears that you don't have any pointers on where your relation with her is going, I severely doubt you ever told her something even closely similar to what I just typed.

So I suggest to maybe do so.

[UKj1970]

Making your intentions clear (in my opinion at least) is saying something like: You and I have to talk. I am very interested in having a long term relation with you, with eventualy the option to marry, if we work out. I know it's early and you just broke up, but I don't want to miss out on this oppurtunity by not telling you how I feel about you, etc etc...

Sorry - to be clear I have said this pretty much word for word with the exception of the marriage part. I'd welcome the view of women on this please. No disrespect Yggdrasil.

[Yggdrasil]

Sorry - to be clear I have said this pretty much word for word with the exception of the marriage part. I'd welcome the view of women on this please. No disrespect Yggdrasil.

Yeah ok... well that is important information and shouldn't be left out.

Glad we got that cleared up.

Oh btw.. I think you're being used..but I'll let the ladies do the word.

[vashti]

Good lord! Don't talk to her like that! She is still married!

HER behavior is the one that's confused - not yours. Obviously this is because she isn't done with her husband.

I think a better way to have handled this would have been to tell her that you are interested in dating her AFTER SHE DIVORCES HER HUSBAND. As it sits now, I don't see how this will end well for you. She isn't really available.

[UKj1970]

Oh btw.. I think you're being used..but I'll let the ladies do the word.

Would welcome some female views on this - thanks

[Gigabitch]

Wow, you're really trying hard to be her Rebound Clown, aren't you?

Look, you are throwing yourself under the wheels of a car that's spinning out of control. I've been divorced and believe me when I say that if you make yourself the transitional man in her life it will be too much for you to handle and you'll get shredded. If you truly care about her and want her for yourself, BACK THE HELL OFF right now. Let her get divorced. Let her get some shit out of her system. Yes, this probably means sleeping with some other guy. Let her. Wait until she regains some kind of emotional equilibrium (maybe next year) and THEN you approach her.

[UKj1970]

This all seems quite negative lol - so there is no one here who thinks that a relationship could develop long term?

[Aeradalia]

This all seems quite negative lol - so there is no one here who thinks that a relationship could develop long term?

This 'relationship' could develop longterm, eventually. But there has to be a genuine relationship first. Right now, all you have is the 'let's have an affair' theme going on... seriously. Albeit, she may not be sharing the bed with the man anymore... her thoughts, heart, and paperwork still are.

It's not wise to be a rebound because as the name entails... she'll only be down for a little while (with you) and then will bounce back (leave you and move on).

In essence, you have poor timing here. She is in a transitional phase... a point in which she is not herself, and will not remain here for long. Your instincts may say to go for it, she's vulnerable... but in the long run, you're only going to be hurting her and yourself in the process.

If you're really interested... keep your distance, let her get divorced, heal from the divorce, and build her confidence again... so that she can be a stable and caring person, who can handle the responsibilities of a genuine relationship.

But it's your choice. We have people come in here all the time who have allowed themselves to be crushed as they play 'rebound.' Each one just as sure and hopeful as you in the beginning.