help me get out of this mess

[mercedes]

Hi, I'll get straight to the point...

I have been in a relationship for 3 1/2 years. I have a 2yr old son with this guy.
From the start he has lied about things- big lies to do with work/money etc, that i didnt find out until later on (after i was pregnant with our son) he has also conned money from my mum early in the relationship- saying it was to pay my debts and i was embarassed to ask etc)
Before he met me he was the same, deceitful, nobody trusted him. He still lies about smaller things- money mainly but not on the scale he did before- though in the last 4/5 months i havnt 'found out' any of his lies so although he may have stopped its most likely i just havnt found out. for this last 4/5 months he has been working away and coming home at weekends(this is a permenant thing) and i go off to competitions at the weekend so only see him for a few hours.

During this time i have been cheating on him (please dont have a go at me for this i know its not right and have just ended it) it wasnt planned it just happened, I dont know what to do for the best. I keep thinking i should give it a proper go with my partner and try and move on from his lies but i cant- i dont trust him and i dont even think i like him- though he is always really nice to me- which makes it worse. And i know im just as bad as him with the lieing now.
I was 18 when i got with him and feel i havnt lived or even had a decent relationship that i can enjoy- thats whta the guy i cheated with did- he was honest, reliable, loving- everything my partner isnt- i finished it yesterday out of guilt but now just cant help resenting my partner.

I did try to finish with my partner a few months back but he begged for us to give it another go, and for a few days it was nice- then back to same old same old.
He says he loves me but i think hes more scared of being alone- probably much the same as i am really.
There is no passion in our relationship- havnt slept with him in a year- i hate kissing him and we never do properly.

The worst i have felt is right now- since i finished with the guy i was cheating with- it felt and feels so wrong to do it- there was something there- i really dont know what to do.

Do i forget about said guy and try again with partner?

please help

[DelicateRose88]

Do i forget about said guy and try again with partner?

please help

Oh no! First of all I want to express how sorry I am that you found yourself in this type of situation at such a young age (you said you two started dating at 18 and 3.5 years later must mean you're 21)!! That is really terrible and even more terrible when there are innocent children involved.

In my opinion, granted its not much of an opinion seeing as I myself have never been in this type of a situation but go with me, I think the best thing for YOUR SON is that you do what makes you happy so that he is raised around happiness and goodness and not constant bickering or discontent (my 19 year old cousin has a 1 year old son and I told her the same thing when she confided in me that her boyfriend was abusive in every way). If you think "said guy" will make you happy then leave, if you want to retry with "partner" thinking maybe one last go will fix things then do that, and if not then get out and find someone new but in any case, you have TWO people's lives to consider and that's you and your precious baby boy.

[Bumble_bee]

I can see how difficult this must be for you, affairs of the heart are so much more complicated when there are children involved. But that does not mean you have to put up with this.

One thing this guy does deserve is your honesty, you have to tell him where your feelings are heading, and that it is down to his actions, I'm not saying you 'owe' him another chance, but I'm sure he loves you and your little one and if given the ultimatum choice would do his best to change. This will also prove to yourself that your not just leaving him on a whim (for want of a better word) but that you truly gave it a shot without any distractions (someone else on the scene)

In the end doing what's best for you and your baby is what is important, and if staying with this guy a minute longer is affecting you and your child's life than certainly the best thing to do is make a break. It is better to be 2 good parents living apart, then 2 dysfunctional parents living together.

I wish you all the best to you and yours, good luck and please keep us posted.

[mercedes]

Hi, yes im 22 now.
My head is telling me to give it a go with my partner, for the sake of my son mainly and also he's really all ive known and actually leaving him is gonna be the hardest thing.
But my heart is telling me to leave, ive never felt so bad no i do after finishing with the other guy- i feel broken- but i dont know whether that is from having this dilemma and its weighing me down or because ive made the biggest mistake finishing with him- i was falling for him- but again dont know whether that was just cause im in such a shitty relationship and looking for a way out- what i do know though is that im confused!!!!!!

[Yggdrasil]

From the start he has lied about things- big lies to do with work/money etc, that i didnt find out until later on (after i was pregnant with our son) he has also conned money from my mum early in the relationship- saying it was to pay my debts and i was embarassed to ask etc)

Before he met me he was the same, deceitful, nobody trusted him. He still lies about smaller things- money mainly but not on the scale he did before- though in the last 4/5 months i havnt 'found out' any of his lies so although he may have stopped its most likely i just havnt found out. for this last 4/5 months he has been working away and coming home at weekends(this is a permenant thing) and i go off to competitions at the weekend so only see him for a few hours.

During this time i have been cheating on him (please dont have a go at me for this i know its not right and have just ended it) it wasnt planned it just happened, I dont know what to do for the best.

I keep thinking i should give it a proper go with my partner and try and move on from his lies but i cant- i dont trust him and i dont even think i like him- though he is always really nice to me- which makes it worse. And i know im just as bad as him with the lieing now.
I was 18 when i got with him and feel i havnt lived or even had a decent relationship that i can enjoy- thats whta the guy i cheated with did- he was honest, reliable, loving- everything my partner isnt- i finished it yesterday out of guilt but now just cant help resenting my partner.

I did try to finish with my partner a few months back but he begged for us to give it another go, and for a few days it was nice- then back to same old same old.

He says he loves me but i think hes more scared of being alone- probably much the same as i am really.

There is no passion in our relationship- havnt slept with him in a year- i hate kissing him and we never do properly.

The worst i have felt is right now- since i finished with the guy i was cheating with- it felt and feels so wrong to do it- there was something there- i really dont know what to do.

A few questions:

1. Why are you in a relation filled with deceit, lies, distrust and resentment?

2. Why are you appearantly unable to live alone (with your son)?

3. Why did you cheat on your partner (no I am not saying you did something wrong or so, I am asking: what was the root, the motivation, WHY did you do it)?

Answer those questions honestly to yourself (not to me, I don't want to know the answers) and then ask yourself one last question:

WTF am I still doing in this messed up relation. Am I so worthless and do I have so little self esteem and self worth that I have set myself up to live a life in missery?

Once you are ready, read this:

[url]http://www.mhc.ab.ca/continuing-studies/womens_rights/Chpt2.htm[/url]

[mercedes]

hes not abusive towards me- actually really nice to my face just lies behind my back!

[Rob26]

What kind of competitions do you go to on the weekends?

I'm inclined to say leave this guy.

[mercedes]

What kind of competitions do you go to on the weekends?
I'm inclined to say leave this guy.

agility.

Wish it was that simple

[Rob26]

Well, if you can't leave him, your range of options is very much narrowed!

Can you not leave him for financial reasons?

[mercedes]

well i cant leave him straight away due to that reason- just means that i cant walk out the door immediatly...but saying that, If we did split up straight away it wouldnt be dire..just more complicated.
The more i think about it, the more i think i should and will leave him- i think i actually hate him. Just wish someone could actually tell me what to do..which i know of course they cant!
(sorry im rambling)

[Bumble_bee]

your last post says it all, its time to start thinking about making that break and the best way to do it for you and your baby. Don't waste your life with someone you hate, damn that's all wrong, and no good for your little one to be seeing.

Best of luck