I need a girl's point of view

[fullorange]

Hello,

I feel completely at my lowest I have ever been, having to post in a forum to get this out of my mind. But I feel like it will help me get over this easier.

Here is my situation in a nutshell.

[I have been with my girlfriend for approximately 9 months. We have been toughing out a long distance relationship but we are reaching the end of the long distance very soon. She plans to go to the same college as me and I actually figured out a way to get her living situation all worked out so it is completely stress free. I have done everything I could do to make her happy. I spent all the money I had to get a plane or to drive to where she is at least once or twice a month. We really do have a strong connection that we both agree we have never felt before.]

The problem: she cheated on me with an ex-boyfriend when she was picking up some shoes for work, (which she just recently got him a job at the same place).

She was with him 2 years ago and he still isn't over it. Anyways, she said that when she was over there at his house picking up her shoes she they got into a discussion about her personal problems. Eventually, he sat next to her, and took her pants off. She said she realized what was going on, but didn't stop it. He then had to put on some protection, she knew what was going on. But didn't stop it. They did not kiss once the entire time this happened. She said that the whole feeling of talking about her personal life in his room just made her feel like "old times" with him. She said she couldn't even look at him when he was on top of her. He tried to kiss her but she wouldn't. Afterwards she told him she shouldn't have even been there. He just said not to tell me. She said just because it happened doesn't mean she doesn't care about me.

Plenty of times I have asked her nicely to stay away from him because he has pushed her up against walls and forced a kiss on her before in that same house. For some reason she couldn't do that.

But now she says she will never talk to him again. (Pretty late for that)

I am completely hurt. I have never done anything to deserve this. The only thing I do with my free time is either paint or play my drums. I have been waiting for her this whole year. Now, at the very end I hear about this incident. It hurts.

But at the same time I respect her for telling me rather than keeping it a secret. But it still kills me.

I`ve been trying to deal with it, but I need to hear a girl's input. I just need someone to help me. There is nobody to talk to about this. My friends cannot know, my family cannot know, I need someone to tell me what they think. Did I do the right thing by trying to let it pass? I really want everything to work out. I really do. I have shaped my life around her. I love her so much. But it hurts me knowing the fact there were two times she could have said "No." But didn't.

What could she possibly be thinking?

Was it closure with her past relationship?

Do you think she can still be trusted?(I really want to be able to trust her )

I don't know, please help me out. Any words would help.

[Lite]

Only she can really explain to you what was going on in her head why she didn't stop him.

Can she be trusted? No. At least, not in the short term and you're going to have to treat her as such. She is also going to have to agree that you will treat her as if you do not trust her.

Either she agrees to a relationship with complete transparency (And this goes both ways.) or the relationship ends for your own personal sake.

People make mistakes, cheating once does not make a habit but it does make for needing to watch out for your own interests until you're sure she's completely on the up and up.

Which means she has to understand that you're going to be paranoid, and upset, and angry, and jealous, and that you're going to do things like snoop in her e-mail, and check her phone out periodically.

And, it's quite possible that she felt powerless to say no and/or stop him. That it was effectively a rape situation and that she was truly too scared to say no, stop, or anything like that.

I'm not saying either is the case, but there's a lot between here and there that you don't know, and what she may really need from you right now is support and help to find counseling. She's going to be your best source of information, and we'll certainly try to help you translate it as much as possible. But the words have to come from her.

But, work at getting all that stress and energy out of your body and keeping it there. Playing drums, running, sports, anything to keep active.

Oh, and you should never feel unable to talk to your parents when you're having relationship problems.

[Lite]

But, the question I have is: Why were her shoes at his house in the first place?

[Yggdrasil]

Not a female but your story is interesting and makes me ponder.

Screw me once, shame on you, screw me twice, shame on me.

Write that somewhere on your forehead or so.

The good thing is: she told you. That means something. Not sure what. Maybe she trusts you, maybe she is trying to tell you she's sorry, I don't know.

The bad thing is: the trust is gone.

In all honesty, I don't know what I would do.

I think you have a lot of thinking to do before you make a decission as in which direction to go.

[shy_girl]

well at least i'm the only girl here... so far
it's pretty simple for me, if there is no trust then you better stop cuz trust does kill a relationship.
And now you should ask yourself if you still trust her...
Wish all the best for you

[fullorange]

But, the question I have is: Why were her shoes at his house in the first place?

Good question, Lite.

[AmazinglyMe]

honestly i really doubt that is all that went on, and the way it went... thats prolly just the story she desided to tell you to make it lighter on you and easier to forgive.

once a cheater, always a cheater.. what were her shoes doing there in the first place??? why was she in his room? for me, thats a no no

[james1]

Give thanks for this nice information thanks

[Bumble_bee]

Whaaaat? was she drunk/high? no? well then dump her, how the heck did she have sex sober with her ex and not really get what was happening until he was like....

B@S~

[fullorange]

Whaaaat? was she drunk/high? no? well then dump her, how the heck did she have sex sober with her ex and not really get what was happening until he was like....

B@S~

She doesn't drink or smoke, but for some reason she said it felt like old times with him and somehow that made it so it was not O.K. to kiss her, but fine to take her pants off.

[Bumble_bee]

Orange, you asked her several times to stay away from this guy,
they BOTH had consensual sex.

what is left now to decide is whether she is trust worthy or not. Yes she told you, but then she tried to make out like she had no control over the situation,which is a load of BS.

if she were drunk I would consider it a silly mistake, but she wasn't, she cheated on you, with her ex ( which indicates she is not completely over him) and she was stone cold sober!!

[fullorange]

Screw me once, shame on you, screw me twice, shame on me.

BumbleBee, this is my problem, I care about her so much and I have waited so long and gone through so much effort so that we could finally be together. Honestly, so much effort and stress.

She promised me that she lost contact with him and made sure of it. She has also apologized to me quite extensively.

I do realize that what she did was unforgivable. For some reason I feel like I have no choice but to give her a second chance.

I have never cared about anyone else as much as I care for her. She let me down, and I feel like a sucker.

I know I shouldn't tolerate anything like this to happen to me.

At one point in my life I said to myself I would never get into a long distance relationship------Once I met her that changed so fast.

At one point in my life I said to myself I would never tolerate being cheated on--------Why am I not following through? I just want everything to work out.

I feel like I have always been too nice of a guy my whole life and entirely too forgiving. But this is ridiculous. I am ashamed of myself, but there is nothing I feel like I can do.

I feel taken advantage of. It has always been like that.

I feel like I went too in depth in this response, but I feel it needed to be said.

[Bumble_bee]

If you can live with her mistake, and truly move on from this, without any resentment on your part, then there is no reason why you can't work this out, and even if she never cheats on you again, how will you handle yourself/thoughts when your away from her.

I understand that when you have invested so much time and emotion in someone it is the hardest thing to let them go...but you have to be prepared for this one to rear its ugly head from time to time...it just will, how you both deal with it I guess is the true test of your relationships strength.

I wish you all the best, let us know how you get on.

[icelady1983]

I can not blame you for not trusting her, what she done is not very nice and she clearly has hurt you.

Also as over people have said - it has been a long time -Why would she still have shoes at his place? Sorry to say but it sounds like she has been spending more time with you than what she said.

You are both still young and are clearly learning about relationships and long distance relationships are hard at the best of times but when something like this happens and when you are young it makes it even harder.

Sorry to say if you can not trust her again then the relationship is dead/come to an end as trust is very important in a relationship and they do not work with out it and it means that you would not be happy as you would be worried and it would be on your mind all the time.

I know it is hard but now that she has done this you are better off with out her. There are plenty more girls out there, nice ones and ones that would treat you with respect and give you as much love etc back. You have not done anything wrong and have been great to her so dont put your self down. You are still young and have plenty of time ahead of you and when the time is right and you least expect it you will meet someone else.

[HotAlphaFemale]

I really think that you need to take this girl off the pedestal you have put her on.

You are not doing any favors for yourself or for her by placing her up there.

You have to remember that she did cheat on you. You guys are both playing victim and one of you, if not both of you need to step up and take responsibility for where this "relationship" is headed.

She needs to deal with respecting and standing up for herself. And you need to realize that you are a worthy guy who deserves the best.

Now whether you can find that with eachother is the solution to this problem.