unrequited love, she now has a bf

[thrillaveza]

alright, well i'm new to this forum (just to clarify that) and i've been searching help for this dilemma that has been rendering me since the end of may. im going to tell the whole tale of my adventure in this just so it'll be more understandable.

it was exactly a year ago (july 4 08') since i fell for my friend. i've known who she was since middle school but thought nothing of her until i actually became friends with her in high school. i remember come my freshman year, i had a little crush on her, but thought nothing much of it. she knew how i felt but then kind of gave me a let down. but i took it straightforward and didn't seem to care and moved on. and then fast forward to a year ago. spent a year in college and now enjoying our first college summer vacation. it was at our friends 4th of july party where me and her started to talk. i took it as flirting (cause she was blowing kisses at me etc.), but that's just me. we talked and talked and so on and it felt like we were clicking. i played her a song on the guitar, (a song that she really liked) and she seemed to be impressed.

so fast forward a couple of weeks into her birthday. i played her songs and wrote her letters and such, basically hinting how i feel about her(pretty sure anyone would've found it obvious if they saw how i acted with her). she accepts it with a smile and a compliment and i found that is the only way i can make her have that smile, by playing her favorite songs and basically being a noble gentlemen to her.

months and hangouts pass and all those times i played songs to her. then come january and i think it's where the mistake hits. i gave her a stuff animal of a cat, with a sign around it's neck saying: to me you're purrrrrfect (an inside joke referencing 'love actually') but where i made the mistake is that on the back of the sign i put in question, if she would want to go out with me. i should've known then that's is where i stepped in a trap. i know she read it but she never replied. i felt like crap for a while but then recovered by valentines day, where i surprised her at her apt. and all. she enjoyed that the most out of everything (as what she told me) but i knew what i was messing with. i knew cause she never replied to me asking her out, i couldn't ask her to be my valentine. so i only wished her a happy valentines day.

and then now fast forward to memorial day weekend. we hang out and have a good time. throughout the time period of feb-may, i was thinking of asking her out straight up (taking advice from friends) before she gets taken. so after we hang out (days later) i met up with her best friend. she knows i like her a lot and thinks we would probably be a good suit for each other. but she tells me not to ask her, i asked why and she said that she kind of has a boyfriend. as i heard that, i felt my heart drop down south, as i was in a slight shock. i don't know how long she has been seeing this guy but it definitely puzzles me.

she told me that she(the girl i like) was going to tell me the next time we hang out. so since the end of may i have been feeling like shit. like seriously sad. she got that hold on me that i couldn't explain. being with her was one of those points where i was truly happy. where even days after our hangouts, i'd reminisce and wished to go back and relive it. i know that sounds dumb but that's how i felt. i knew a lot of things that she didn't tell anyone else about her and it felt like we clicked. the thing that also brings to me is the fact that i liked her before but didn't think much of it, and now i like again. i never had a re-lapse when it came to liking someone. usually when i get shot down, i leave it at that and within time move on.

but she's different. i don't know if she is the one, nor do i think she'll ever be the one, but though i am hurting, i feel that she still is. i know that sounds foolish but im just going through the motions right now. i have been trying to ignore her on my defense of avoiding being hurt even more but it failed(by avoiding myspace/facebook/instant messaging).. there is still a part of me that is clinging on, and there's a part of me that saying **** you bitch. but i truly wouldn't ever hurt her in any way, but i seriously feel like i want the guilt to build up inside her. or at least a sudden realization of some sort, because i don't know if she feels guilty. apparently, from what i heard from people is that my mistake was that i was being TOO nice.

and an update, since i have been in NO CONTACT whatsoever with her, i was thinking of breaking the NC rule. but i feel it wouldn't change anything. and what makes the subject matter worst is that come thursday, we are all going to the beach(she shares the same friends as i do). i put not attending which though i am sure i might have to attend. and i feel it might be awkward and all or maybe it will bring me down even more because she might bring her bf. and i've seen pictures of them, he looks like a nice guy (not a douche like her previous bf's) but it makes me think that she might've just thought i wasn't good enough.
i have came to the conclusion that i should learn to get used to this. i mean i felt like this before with previous flings and that i realized i've been a lonely mess. with that said, i was always close but not quite.
any response will help. and sorry for this being long.

[Yggdrasil]

You are 'in love' with a figment of your immagination.

Any woman will like attention, but there's a big difference between giving attention and having two people loving eachother.

She's not in love with you, so much is obvious. And it takes 2 for a relation.

So: get over it. Everything that's happening, is going on in your mind. Because of that, you totaly misunderstood the signs she was giving you. Shit happens. Learn from it and don't make the same mistakes again.

Apply the no contact rule for as long as you have any feelings for her and remember, whatever you feel, it's your mind and your feelings are towards a figment of your immagination.

Now go find yourself a decent, nice gall and go out with her.

[lizzy_09]

i met up with her best friend. she knows i like her a lot and thinks we would probably be a good suit for each other. but she tells me not to ask her, i asked why and she said that she kind of has a boyfriend. as i heard that, i felt my heart drop down south, as i was in a slight shock. i don't know how long she has been seeing this guy but it definitely puzzles me.

What makes me wonder is that she knows.......

i gave her a stuff animal of a cat, with a sign around it's neck saying: to me you're purrrrrfect (an inside joke referencing 'love actually') but where i made the mistake is that on the back of the sign i put in question, if she would want to go out with me. i should've known then that's is where i stepped in a trap. i know she read it but she never replied.

your in love with her. And yet, even if she treated you like a friend, she should have not let you keep on hoping. She should have told you where you really stand in her life. I've had male friends who fell in love with me but I've always made sure to tell them where they really stand in my life. And if they don't respect that, then I'd find ways to turn them off.

i know that sounds foolish but im just going through the motions right now. i have been trying to ignore her on my defense of avoiding being hurt even more but it failed(by avoiding myspace/facebook/instant messaging)..

I think it's a wise decision you've made. It's not that you want to hurt her but you are trying to recover from an unrequited love. It's called self preservation.

my mistake was that i was being TOO nice.

Yes, you are.

thursday, we are all going to the beach(she shares the same friends as i do). i put not attending which though i am sure i might have to attend. and i feel it might be awkward and all or maybe it will bring me down even more because she might bring her bf.

If you think you can manage it, then attend. I had this experience before seeing my ex (whom I broke up a few weeks ago) with a date and they were so very cozy. I was really hurt, it's like I've been stab. Good thing a friend of mine, who looked like every girl in the club was after him saw me in my depressed state, so he tried to cheer me up, by showing a front that were actually committed. And it caught his attention, it surely did make me feel better. Cause it made me think that it gave him that impression that I'm so way over him, even if I'm not. Though, it really made me feel good about myself.

[thrillaveza]

thank you both for replying. i appreciate what you are trying to say. the thing is, im always told to get over it like it's as easy as switching on a light. but i feel i am different; cause when i fall, i fall hard easily. yeah, i feel that her actions were shady, on behalf that she probably didn't know how to let me down(or maybe just wanted my attention with her). but i've figured she thinks im taking it lightly or doesn't know what's going on, cause even though i don't IM her or comment her (in act of my avoidance) she's yet to IM me on anything (so that's why i figure she doesn't care or know). but i'm hanging on. me being stupid, it's hard to get over her. i might have been taking her enjoyment as her "love for me" but i strongly felt that she might've had slightest (at least) feeling for me on the count that she acted different from before (not in a negative way). im not quite sure how to word it.

[WHUDAFUXUP]

Yes it is obvious that you fell hard for it all easily.

I do not think she has done anything wrong I just think you become way too obsessive about this and it was apparent. I think you probably creep'd her out and sent her the wrong vibes.

She probably did have feelings for you but not to the level you were hoping for, a lot of friends have admiration for each other and even sexual tension but like I said I think you gave off a type of vibe that hinted at desperation and weakness.

This girl probably did find something about you that she really liked but it has faded.

The girl is suppose to chase you in a sense, but you probably came off as the super attached and slightly possessive as to reverse this.

You should of played it cool and I agree you made a mistake with the additional writing on the gift. The no contact is best, but during the time when there was contact you should of had a policy of minimalism.

I know it hurts a lot, had something similar happen to me, but piece yourself back together, man up again, boost up the confidence and find another chick. Show them that you can be happy.

[thrillaveza]

Yes it is obvious that you fell hard for it all easily.

I do not think she has done anything wrong I just think you become way too obsessive about this and it was apparent. I think you probably creep'd her out and sent her the wrong vibes.

She probably did have feelings for you but not to the level you were hoping for, a lot of friends have admiration for each other and even sexual tension but like I said I think you gave off a type of vibe that hinted at desperation and weakness.

This girl probably did find something about you that she really liked but it has faded.

The girl is suppose to chase you in a sense, but you probably came off as the super attached and slightly possessive as to reverse this.

You should of played it cool and I agree you made a mistake with the additional writing on the gift. The no contact is best, but during the time when there was contact you should of had a policy of minimalism.

I know it hurts a lot, had something similar happen to me, but piece yourself back together, man up again, boost up the confidence and find another chick. Show them that you can be happy.

yeah. the thing is with me, i rarely get a vibe that a chick or even one that i like gets a feeling of interest for me. so when i felt that "connection" i kind of act differently; just excited nonetheless and might of had that obsessive tension, only cause i was at a high point of happiness. i've been doing the nc rule, but come thursday i might have to talk to her. at which now i am thinking of having to pretend that i am fine or confront it. we had a good thing going(the friendship at least) there is still a strand of hope hanging on my thoughts that she'll come around; but judging what you said is making me feel that it's not likely going to happen.

[Jacen Star]

Same thing happened to me. Very very similar. I'm still not sure if I'm over her, and its been over a year and I've dated 2 women since (First after I thought I was over her, and this one I do like more, but recent events have made me questioning).

Only difference is that I was actually stupid and told her how I felt...and then kept going while being friends with her. You are doing it the correct way. (Course she did chase me after I did the NC rule, but only after I got a gf) No contact is the best solution, and I'd advise against going down to the beach. It won't help matters IMO.

Think of her as a drug, something that makes you feel good, but it won't last and makes you feel even crappier after she goes away. You are in withdrawal, and even the slightest give of the NC rule even harder than the last. At least, thats how I would be in your situation.

[thrillaveza]

Only difference is that I was actually stupid and told her how I felt...and then kept going while being friends with her. You are doing it the correct way. (Course she did chase me after I did the NC rule, but only after I got a gf) No contact is the best solution, and I'd advise against going down to the beach. It won't help matters IMO.

Think of her as a drug, something that makes you feel good, but it won't last and makes you feel even crappier after she goes away. You are in withdrawal, and even the slightest give of the NC rule even harder than the last. At least, thats how I would be in your situation.

i don't think what you did by telling her wasn't really much of a mistake, i mean i feel that was noble. but yeah, there are others going to be there at the beach that i have not seen and though i should just fake myself the whole time, act like im whatever and such. perhaps i might have to talk to her. maybe she'll approach me about it, but i know i might be in a world of hurt if i do so, but it's the risk that i would take.

[Jacen Star]

It was more that after she rejected me, I didn't get the hint because the rejection was flimsy. And that I stayed with her trying to be a friend/something more was where I feel I failed as it lead to nothing but worse hardship.

Honestly...realize that hanging out around her is just going to hurt you. Period. If it turns on a dime, and you guys do hook up, then I will applaud you for being one of the few lucky ones.

However, you should go to the beach even if she is there. Thinking back I am glad I tried to hang out with my mutual friends with her around, even though it was a failed and futile attempt. Just try to make it more about those other things then about her, and try to keep up the NC rule while you talk to those other people. Don't be rude, but dont approach her about it.

[Doc Durian]

Stay away from her.

Cut her off and out, no matter how difficult it may be.

And don't think of it as unrequited love, it's actually non committal love which she's been forwarding back to you.

She dabbled in the grey, you wanted black and white. Whether you two physically consumated your relationship or not, matters not.

It's a weakness inherit to many people on this earth to have one on the go and one in reserve.

You were the reserve.

Many of us have been in your position. Most of us blew the other off and are quite happy to have done so in retrospect.

[thrillaveza]

alright, so i did make a big mistake. that is, to go to the beach. i know some of you were saying not to go, but i still wanted to see her. i should always trust my first instinct (cause it was to not go). well what happened was, that when her and her best friend arrived, it was all whatever etc.... she gives hugs to everyone, and including me and such and then she kept talking about her bf. how they moved in with a group of friends,how he dj's and how he's successful and her big bro (frat college shit).. hearing all that just sucked. like seriously, i felt a tightening feeling at my chest. well also within that time i only talked to her when she spoke to me, rather whenever she needed something, i guess you can say. i then played the guitar at the bonfire and she enjoyed it. she asked me to play her "1234" but i didn't (me being jerkward). as we were packing up and leaving, i just felt like crap the whole day when i saw her, so i just felt like leaving abruptly. she then catches me by calling my name, but i didn't want to seem like there's nothing wrong (which i felt i should've spoken about it or completely ignored her calling) but as she did, she gave me a non-half-ass hug with her head resting on me (which she never really did). right after, i told her friend that i still have feelings for her and stuff and her friend was like"aww". and that summed the night.

it sucks cause at the bonfire, i played a song that i played for her on valentines day, she didn't even realize it. where as me and her friend were trying to refresh her memory.

[WHUDAFUXUP]

DUDE, WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH YOU, GOD DAMN KID.

*Shakes Head*

I was going to write this big post but this is waaay disappointing.

[Doc Durian]

alright, so i did make a big mistake. that is, to go to the beach. i know some of you were saying not to go, but i still wanted to see her. i should always trust my first instinct (cause it was to not go). well what happened was, that when her and her best friend arrived, it was all whatever etc.... she gives hugs to everyone, and including me and such and then she kept talking about her bf. how they moved in with a group of friends,how he dj's and how he's successful and her big bro (frat college shit).. hearing all that just sucked. like seriously, i felt a tightening feeling at my chest. well also within that time i only talked to her when she spoke to me, rather whenever she needed something, i guess you can say. i then played the guitar at the bonfire and she enjoyed it. she asked me to play her "1234" but i didn't (me being jerkward). as we were packing up and leaving, i just felt like crap the whole day when i saw her, so i just felt like leaving abruptly. she then catches me by calling my name, but i didn't want to seem like there's nothing wrong (which i felt i should've spoken about it or completely ignored her calling) but as she did, she gave me a non-half-ass hug with her head resting on me (which she never really did). right after, i told her friend that i still have feelings for her and stuff and her friend was like"aww". and that summed the night.

it sucks cause at the bonfire, i played a song that i played for her on valentines day, she didn't even realize it. where as me and her friend were trying to refresh her memory.

You knew what was going to happen. You'll have to deal with it.

Next time, blow her off, and hook up with her friend if you really want to move on.

[thrillaveza]

haha...yeah, i should be more defensive on the count to only protect myself

today was uneventful. since you know, me and her share mutual friends (from high school at least) and so today our friend's band was playing. i honestly did not think she'd be coming because she would only go if more of our friends would go. so i went, with my friend and she ended up coming after. i didn't know she was coming, until i felt her tap my shoulder and said hi. she gave me a hug but she probably knew by the look on my face that something was wrong.

as the show ended we were outside hanging out. she then approaches me with a look of concern and so i talk to her. i asked her how was fishing (cause she fished after the bonfire yesterday) and she said she didn't enjoy it and such... i kind of just put small talk to her and only talk when it was at a moment where it was a direct thing to me. but what i feel is that whenever she is there, i get riled up with three emotions of lately: sad, happy, mad in certain ways. usually when im with her or when we hangout (just the two of us, i am usually happy and nervous).

i know it's just my anger talking but i seriously just want to tell her how i felt straight up. like everything, like all the nice things i did for her, how i act like a gentleman, and just trying to help her out with her so called "drama". i want to tell her that i don't want her to be missing out (though what do i know right?) on me and how i think she is stupid (in a lighter tone) for turning a good man down like that. all i know is if i do that, it'll change everything, but little does she know, that what's happening now is changing things as well. im sorry if i feel different to others opinion but it's just how i'll learn things. it's hard for me to move on when it comes to previous girls, and let me say this that my record in ever getting the girl is always close but never quite.

i don't want to sound cheesey or anything but what's been keeping me going is a fortune cookie i got on that eventful valentines day i had with her which stated: your persistence will pay off soon. i know my flaws, but keeping these flaws will help be better at this. i know i get hopefull, but perhaps all i know is time will help me to either get over it or time will somehow make an epiphany hit her to let her know how she could've made a big mistake.

im sorry if i am heading backwards, but just spilling out somethings i wanted to say. thank you for reading.

[thrillaveza]

DUDE, WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH YOU, GOD DAMN KID.

*Shakes Head*

I was going to write this big post but this is waaay disappointing.

yeah im terribly sorry, but it was more meeting the people who i haven't seen in a while. she just happened to be there too. it was hard not to here the crap she said about her bf and such but for the time being i think i did pretty good. i mean i would make obvious gestures that something is wrong but i let it go right there. all i know is that it's going to be her loss, and when she get's that in f'king head (hopefully soon) then, she'll know how it feels.