lost...

[mrnobody]

Hi,
Can anyone tell me what love is? I've lost my soul... I am really not sure what the meaning of life is... I'm feeling so lost right now..

I am here because I'm not sleepy, bored, and maybe lonely(not sure)... I've been suffering from imsomnia for about 1/2 a year...
About 8 or 9 months ago, my girl friend wrote seeking advice...

I'm the guy who was the sucker in this relationship. We were together for a little less then 4 years. I thought i loved her because I wanted to make her happy. I met her, and she shared her life's story with me.. She seemed to be really sad, and had a unhappy life... I wanted to bring her happiness (but it didn't end that way). I chattted with her for roughly a week since I met her. She had I crush i me, from when we first met.. (by the way she described it, telling me she talked to friends saying she's got the butterfly feelings in her stomache etc. etc.) So later that week, I went out with her, just to hang out. She stayed over, and then we just kinda let things go...
She was my first girlfriend... She took my first kiss, and my virginity the same day.. (yeah.. I know I'm a geek... but I'm quite shy around girls).
Anyhow, so she and I had this relationship thing going for a while... I left that city later, because I didn't finish my school.. So I had a long distance relationship.

Few years down the road, my girl friend and I had bought a house together. We were expecting a baby... I was basically taken care of her, because she was pregnant and I wanted to do everything i could for her, but I come down one night to give her something to eat, only to see she was basically .. flirting with a guy she met on a computer game. I was like.. i don't wanna know... She come up that night, feeling all guilty and stuff..

I had to lived with her for another month and a half, with her writing love letters, and all that... trying to find a solution to our dilema... (I felt like I was being dragged by insides.... down a gravel road with broken glass... etc etc... PAIN... you get the point). I more in pain that she didn't want to move out of our room.. considering that she didn't really love me... Our relationship ended with her deciding to move home to her Dad's so she could have an abortion. (I'm still living with great pain trying to deal with this issue also because I love kids, and i wanted to have a family)...

I'm also really hurt because she confessed to me about the fact she cheated on me much earlier... She told me she gave her guy friend head while he drove her home... I'm like... I feel like throwing up... because I always kiss her when I see her... I never understood why she always cried and said she can't be a good wife, or I deserve better.... (now I understand)...

All I wanted was to make her happy, but ended up getting really hurt...
I loved her so much...Even when she said, let's just get married and have the kid because she couldn't deal with all the pressures form everyone else... I said no.. I knew she really wanted to be with the other guy because she seemed so much happier with him then with me... I've been hurt so bad...

I basically read her e-mails (not because I don't respect her, but because I miss her so much)... IT HURTS ME MORE, butI read them... because it's some of the only things I have left with her, besides memories..

I am not sure what life means anymore.. I lost the only meaning to my life...
I know She and the other guy are really happy, and I'm happy for them.. but now, I'm not sure what I have left... She didn't like my friends, because we're drinking/fun friends... and she convinced me they held me back, so I spent less time with them, and we became distant... I live in my house alone now because I hide from everyone...

I have tried to meet new people.. but they think I really have some problems... I was labeled the most depressed person, or second most depressing person they've ever met... I don't really have any feelings for anyone now, because I think I'm not really sure what people see in me..

I'm kinda thinking when I meet girls, will they like me for me, or just the materialistic things I might have...
I am feeling older everyday, but I'm also feeling kinda young... I'm 25.. I can't relate to older people, yet I live a totatlly different life from younger people..
I have a busines to take care of, and I'm not really sure just where exactly I sit in life right now.. I have almost little to no emmotion... I walk in with a smile.. but deep inside.. It's really hollow..

If you can tell me if I was in love, or what love is.. please send me something to think about...I'd appreciate it.

[bivio]

Seems like you've been through a nightmare.

I can't tell you what love is, you might be sure now but you have to keep askin yourself. Is this girl the only one I can love?, at the moment it might seem like a 'yes' but it wont be.

Open yourself up mate, girls don't like to see a weak man, be strong. Let this ex regret the day she drove you away.

I think you know deep down inside you have the belief and strength to overcome this sticky part of your life.

Ps when you find a new girl treat her right remember she isn't your ex