Where do I stand in all this, am I doing the right thing?

[ShyGuy81]

Hello,

Well this is my first post, things are slightly up in the air at the moment with my current relationship status. Spoken to friends and family with mixed advice from them all, decided to ask here as I figured more impartial advice.

Anyway enough of the rambling and more about my current situation. About a week ago my girlfirend of two years called me as she usually does on her way home from work but instead of being her usual chearful self was very glum and said that we needed to talk. It was at this point I could almost hear the sound of the earth cracking as it was getting ready to swallow me.

We had a bit of a chat about how we both were feeling (this was not an unexpected talk) but rather than talk on the phone I said that I would go over and see her face to face, she lives about half an hour away so it is not too far and I went to see her most nights anyway.

So I go over to meet her and we go and sit in her room for a bit and start chatting about how we both feel and whats wrong, then her flat mate comes home so we pop out to a quite bar just to get a drink and contiune the conversation.

Now I am not going to go into full details as it would take too long so I will give you the general hightlights so as to give the background.

Firstly we are both around the same age, myself being 27 and her 26. Both quite shy socially and she suffers from depression.

Just after Chirstmas we had a bit of a talk as we both felt that there was a problem in the relationship but never really talked about what it was. We just felt we had got too comfertable and the relationship had become stagnant as we never did anything as a couple anymore, just hung out at her flat or went out for some food. Put this down to us living together for a couple of months until she found a new flat with her flat mate and we kind of got used to seeing each other all the time. So we decied back then to make more of an effort to do things and try dating again.

Well that started well, with good intentions but never really happened. Several months on we are back to "the relationship is going nowehere, we don't do anything, etc."

During our chat, she told me that she felt that it was too hard in the relationship and that it feels like she is constantly having to work at it and is now exhausted. She also said we are not where couples should be at this point (talking about getting engaged, moving in, etc) and we missed out on a lot of the fun at the begining of the relationship.

My point back was that when I try and sort something out she never feels like it. I only seem to get to spend time with just her whenever her flat mate is either at work or has her boyfriend or family up. Other times I seem to take a 2nd or 3rd prioity in her life.

We don't have a great sex life, she only ever seems to be in the mood whenever I am not around. She has a hard time relaxing and just letting go so she can get in the mood so it is very frustrating as I feel like I keep getting knocked back though she said that she feels that I don't want her. I compliment her all the time, often just hold her or stroke her skin, I don't know what more I could have done. When she is relxed and in the mood it is great and we have great sex but it is few and far between.

Again we had a rocky start to the sex life, she is only the 2nd girl I have been with and my ex before her was very demanding and it was all about her. Trouble is this never enabled me to find out myself in the bedroom sexually and kind of hurt my confidence a lot as I am a bumbling wreck and constantly questioning everything I do. My ex also used to more or less refuse to kiss me as she said I waas doing it right, which again, massive blow to the confidence there.

So the conversation continues, she feels she is trying all the time, I feel like I sometimes take a low priority in her llife. I find it very hard to open up to people as I am a very guarded person and if I start to get stressed or anxious then my guard goes back up and I shut people out. She admitted that sometimes she said she was busy when I asked her what she was doing but then went out with her flat mate (who is also her best friend) as she didn't feel she could deal with seeing me.

Of course as it was hard to see her, I began to settle for just seeing her when I could, even if we did nothing as I was getting lonely and could feel her slipping away but couldn't seem to do anything to stop it.

By the end of it we had both laid eveything out on the table and come to the conclusion that we had both become too dependant on each other and were turning to each other whenever we were at our lowest which obviously makes us both feel bad about ourselves as we are both by doing this hurting the other person.

I am sure by this point the view is "this relationship is doomed!", but stay with me as I am coming to the positives.

So as a couple we get on really well, we are totally different, yet at the same time really similar to each other. We have loads in common and always have a great time, as a friendship it is great and we are very close.

When it is just the two of us and we are spending some real time toegether without being stressed out by various aspects we have the most amazing relationship.

Like I have said before, sexually when we both let go and relax it is amazing, but we both struggle in letting go.

Now this is where I am getting confused as I am unsure as to what is going on, where I stand and what I should do next. Things started to go wrong when she moved into her new house with her best friend and flat mate, for some reason she seemed different and more distant. Where before she would come and stay over every couple of weeks that only happens now if her friend has her boyfriend up for the weekend or family so she is busy.

She is really down at the moment as well and has been, again for the past few months. I know she is wanting a new job as she does not have enough money to live on really but she has been reluctant to get out and find one, partly as she does not like dealing with people and sometimes suffers panic attacks when in those situations.

Part of the issue I think has come from arguments she has had with her friend about her always relying on other people and she should get a new job and stop getting money from her parents. Whenever we go out it is usally me that pays for the food and drinks which I don't mind, I earn nearly 6x what she does so to me it is nothing but again she feels like she is taking advantage of me all the time. I have explained that it doesn't bother me but I think it is something that she has become uncomfertable with as it means she is relying on me all the time.

So anyway, final part I promise. The conclusion of this conversation is that she is not happy in herself at the moment, I am getting down as well and have become withdrawn from my friends as I have been getting worn down. So we are going to have some time appart just to get ourselves sorted away from this distructive cycle we have both ended up in of being reliant on each other and escaping from our problems. We do plan to keep in touch though and maybe meet up every couple of weeks so we don't drift apart.

Personally I think that there has been a lot going on in both of our lives and the break is a good idea as if we don't then any hope of reconciling whats left of our relationship will be destroyed. Still keeping in contact though a few times a week.

This has gotten easier as the week has passed, I have moments when I feel like my world has been destroyed but I am coping quite well. I know she has been up and down as well as I don't think either of us really wants to loose the other.

Since the break I have spoken to her a couple of times, first time was a day or so after the break when she rang up in floods of tears shouting at me about how much I had hurt her and even though she knew I didn't mean to I had done. To which after a good long conversation she had calmed down and we just chatted normally for a while about how we were feeling.

The next time was a couple of days ago when she just rang for a quick chat to see how I was doing.

Then finally today when she rang me as she needed me to check something for her.

On each of these occasions she has told me that she still loves me, then shortly after the conversation I get a text from her saying that she is sorry for calling me being really appologetic.

I still love her, and I know she still loves me. I think that if we can both work through the indiviaul issues we need to work through (her needing her independance, me opeing back up and getting back to being myself) then there is something to salvage.

What I am wondering is where I stand at the moment, I have no idea what she wants. I am trying my best to give her the space that she has asked for but she still calls me and tells me she loves me then appologies for doing so.

Some views and maybe some insight would be greatly appreciated as I am confused. I don't want to loose her and give up but I don't know what to make of it all or what I should do.

Thank you for listening and sorry about the epic post,

Lee

[Sputnick]

You sound like a really nice guy. There are lots of girls out there looking for someone like you who will appreciate you. Especially as you get older.(Maybe you should look for an older woman..)
In the movie "Closer" there is a woman who is a depressive type. There are two guys fighting over one woman and when one says that she is happy with him the other says something like "Depressives don't want to be happy, they want to be depressed."
See, that type of person actually seeks out the feelings of sadness and find them comforting and don't feel they deserve to be happy. You are not doing anything wrong. Just keep being yourself.
I guess you could try treating her poorly to make things more exciting to her...but that really doesn't seem like the best answer.

[Yggdrasil]

What you both need is professional help.

[ShyGuy81]

See, that type of person actually seeks out the feelings of sadness and find them comforting and don't feel they deserve to be happy.

Interesting, I never thought about it that way before but it does make sense. There have been times in the past where she has been really upset and asks me why I love her and keeps telling me to leave her as I will only end up getting hurt (presently she may have a point).

I always refused to give up on her though. I don't think that her friend always helps as they have a very volitile relationship at times. A week before we started this break they had a huge fight that revolved around her saying that my girlfriend was selfish, lazy, reliant on everybody else all the time. The following day her friend was ok with her again but my girlfriend was still very upset and was not herself.

As things calm and I have had sometime to step back from it all there just seems to be more going on with her than she is letting on but she wants to deal with it herself. I know we have had problems and I have in recent months become very clingy as I could feel her slipping away from me but that has not helped either of us.

I just know there is something amazing there waiting to get out, all it needs is to be let out.

Thank you for the comments,

Lee

What you both need is professional help.

You are probablly right and it may be something we should consider.

[ShyGuy81]

So just had a nice chat with my girlfriend (though I am not sure what she is at the moment), it was going very well and the first time we have spoken in a week.

Things were going great until near the end of the converation she started talking about something that she had to do that she didn't feel like doing but was something we had both agreed on a month ago that we would do together. It is for one of her family so she kind of has to do it but it meant that she would be on her own for a week in the evenings. I offered to go over and keep her company one evening for a couple of hours, seemed like a nice thing to do, we said we were going to still catch up every now and then so seemed logical. Well she blew up in my face about it saying that we shouldn't be spending a night together as we would just fall back into our patterns and she can't do that anymore as it just hurts too much. I lost her on the phone so called her back to explain that I didn't mean to upset her and wasn't trying tot force anything.

There have been times in our relationship where she has misunderstood me, I have a very logical mind and often say things that make sense to me but she is quite sensitive and I sometimes upset/offend her unintentionally.

I did get an email from her appologising about shouting at me, this is what confuses me at the moment as I don't know what she is thinking.

We will talk and she will be fine, though we just talk as friends and she makes comments refering to us not being a couple anymore. But then she will say about our relationship just being "on-hold" at the moment. Then I will speak to her and she will get very angry at me and yell down the phone but then appologise for doing so. Other times she will then say that she still loves me and she is missing me.

I do love her so much and I am missing her, I know that we both need some space at the moment away from seeing each other and just try and limit our contact. This I do not have a problem with but I am so confused.

What is going on though? Has she written off the relationship for ever or is there still hope? At one point there still seems hope, then others it feels it is ending. I just wish I knew what she was thinking.

If anybody would share their views it would be much appreciated as I am finding it hard to make sense of, some impartial opions may be nice.

Lee

[Gigabitch]

Wow. It's like you've been in a dark room for so long you've forgotten about the big world outside. Now, there's a possibility that you can open the door and walk outside, enjoying all of the tings life has to offer, but you won't.

Why?

Because you don't want to leave without Eeyore. You're Winnie the Pooh and she's Eeyore. She sucks. Let her go.

[IndiReloaded]

Because you don't want to leave without Eeyore. You're Winnie the Pooh and she's Eeyore. She sucks. Let her go.

LOL, I have to agree. This gal doesn't seem to know how to find her own happiness. If you stay with her, it will be your job. Are you really up to being happy enough for two?

[ShyGuy81]

Wow. It's like you've been in a dark room for so long you've forgotten about the big world outside. Now, there's a possibility that you can open the door and walk outside, enjoying all of the tings life has to offer, but you won't.

Why?

Because you don't want to leave without Eeyore. You're Winnie the Pooh and she's Eeyore. She sucks. Let her go.

LOL, I have to agree. This gal doesn't seem to know how to find her own happiness. If you stay with her, it will be your job. Are you really up to being happy enough for two?

Thank you to you both, you actually made me laugh and put it into perspective. No matter what I seem to do she is not happy at the moment and obviously has some stuff she is working through at the moment hence why she is fine with me one minute then snapping the next.

Granted I am not perfect but I do know how I feel and less all over the place with her. I am going to have to stop worrying about it all and take this opportunity to have some quality "me" time and do all the stuff I miss doing.

Been out this evening with friends and am feeling a lot more relaxed, it is a good feeling and a night out was something needed to clear my head.

Thank you again,

Lee

[ShyGuy81]

Right so a slight update on the whole thing, she just gave me a call for a talk as she really misses me and wants me back but is unsure where I am at with her and doesn't know if I want to be with her any more.

I have found out what the problem is in the relationship, and I am unsure on how to fix this one.

Secondly, I think she has misunderstood me somewhat and I am not sure how to get her to believe me now.

First the main problem, the reason the relationship has not been wording and why we have grown distant and why she felt she was working at it and not getting anywhere.

There has not been that spark there and she has not felt I have wanted her. This is mainly that she feels like I want her physically which has then obviously transpired into emotionally as well.

I will have to put my hands up to this one and say, I am to blame on this one 100%. To put it bluntly I have ZERO sexual confidence, and I have no idea on how to fix the problem. Will start a new post in the Intimacy forum for this though as this is something that will affect all future relationships if I can't fix this one.

Secondly the misunderstanding, as I have said before I don't always explain myself the best I can and she has misunderstood me which has got her to question our whole relationship and how I feel about her and I don't think she trusts me any more which has kind of made this whole thing a lot harder.

Long story short, she thinks I don't love her and are in fact just infatuated with her as a means to an end.

What has given her this impression was that when we were having our conversation a week ago I said that I felt we were drifting apart, my best friend has moved away, she moved away into her new flat and I became very lonely and depressed. I would go over an see her most nights because I missed her and wanted to spend some time with her even if we did nothing together as I didn't want to be on my own (not the best thing to say). Now what I mean by this is that since she moved away I missed her and wanted to keep seeing her as we went from everyday a lot and spending every night with her to not living together any more.

I also said that when she was down I liked going over to see her to try and cheer her up, and I never minded helping with her problems as (and I was being honest with her here, may not have worded it correctly) it took my mind off my problems (yes I am officially an idiot).

Again, I was trying to make her feel better as she said that it was not fair that I was always having to deal with her problems and she thought it was unfair of her to burden me all the time. I meant with my response to say, it is not a problem me dealing with other peoples problems, it doesn't bother me as I like to help and be there for support. By doing so it also helps me take the focus away from my problems and helps me recharge myself so I can tackle my problems.

Now as I have said, I may have been somewhat stupid here and there has been a grave misunderstanding. She is obviously hurt as she thinks that I was just using her to avoid my own problems and never really cared for her. The other night I went over to see her as she wanted to see me, turns out she was feeling a bit frisky as well but with the misunderstanding she now thinks I went over just because I had nothing better to do (which was not the case).

So, scale of 1 - 10, how much have I made a mess of this? Now I have an honest answer to what is wrong can I actually fix it?

Lee

[little pingoin]

Your sexual confidence will increase as your partner compliments you on the things you do and the way you make her feel. It doesn't matter if you are the greatest in the world. It only matters that she thinks you're the greatest.

It sounds like she definitely needs some therapy on her end to deal with her depression, and the two of you could benefit from couples' therapy. You need to learn how to communicate to a person of her emotional caliber, and she needs to learn how to avoid being intimidated by your logical mind.

I agree with the others here... you do sound like a very nice guy. I wish you the best.

[ShyGuy81]

Thank you for that, I know it will take time but it is so very hard when sometimes when I do manage to start to let go and for one reason or another she rejects me.

I spoke to her again last night and told her how I honestly felt about her as she asked why I loved her. This morning she sends me a message saying that it all means a lot to her but she thinks it is too early to start talking about that but it is nice to know and she just wants me to be happy as I am the nicest guy she has known.

I swear when I get it sorted in my head what is going on it changes, she can't ask me why I love her and have me tell her then tell me how much she misses me and still love me but then when I tell her I feel the same turn round and say that it is too early to start talking about that stuff.

Tomorrow I think I will look at contacting a therapist, I know I have some issues I need to work though but I will see if I can get her to come to some sessions as well.

Thank you once again for all the advice, it is so nice just to get how I am feeling out there and get some honest views.

Lee

[Yggdrasil]

I say again, you two would be served best with some professional help. You're both having unhealthy patterns.

A professional will guide you both through how to change these unhealthy patterns into healthy ones.

It's not my 'job' so I'm not even going to try to explain. Go see a counselor, it's in your best interest.