Happy, but that voice keeps me <100%

[Bonovox40]

Just an update on Betty and me.
She's very much in love with me and I am with her. She says how she knows she will not cheat or betray me when we are apart later on and says that there's no way she could ever go back to him after feeling this way. She has talked to me about getting something to symbolize what we share. She wanted to get a set of matching rings but stated that it's not the intention to appear married, just that others will know that we each are taken by someone special. I don't really have a problem with that but i'm curious if it's for what she says, or her own doubt that I may be tempted by others.

I've told her that I never have and will not even if we are apart. In my eyes, it's not even a question that can be asked. I am worried about the separation we will face and how we will both suffer. I know it would be crazy to think about separating and getting back together later on, and I know she has no intention of stopping this at the end of summer.

Unfortunatly, it looks as though the budget will finish this weekend and that the August 1st date might go through. If it does, it doesn't give us enough time to give a 2 week notice, but I was told that they would try their best to give us that window, but if not, that they are sorry.

It just sucks. I wanted this summer to really build something solid with Betty before this seperation. I had hoped that these times would help us see what we want to know and if we continue to feel this strong about each other, that we would both be set in the knowledge that we can wait for each other faithfully.

It may sound silly, but i'm tempted to get her something more along the lines of a promise ring that if she waits for the right time with me that I will ask her to share my life with me. Maybe it's crazy but I feel something deep down that tells me we're supposed to share more than this together.

She says how she wishes she could stay but has to return to finish school, and that i'll start my training just the same. (I don't even know if I can repass the physical test! I haven't been making my running time!)

She has told me that she knows I have said that 'it's too early to know what our path is.' in the past, but that she now knows she wants to be with me until she dies. I can honestly say that I feel she is my match. Not more or less, but my match.
I remember being in love with Robin but this is nothing like that. I loved the excitement she brought and the energy and sexuality and attention and attraction for me. With Betty it's something different, and more. I felt something with her when we sat up all night and talked. I knew I didn't love her then, but there were things about her I could see that I COULD love. But I wanted to know her. I wanted her to know me. And through talking, letters and meetings I feel that I know her heart now and I see where I stand in it. I honestly don't see her at all as the kind of girl who strives for attention. Who loves all the guys stares. Who wants to go dancing with whoever offers a hand and touches her. I know that if she loves me, that she will stay with me. I don't feel cheating is an issue but I know stranger things have happend. It's just not a real concern when it comes to her.

I don't feel she is like Joy in that Joy had a mad crush with me and was desperate for mutual "love". That I had to love her with everything and she gave everything even when she knew better because she loved someone else. I don't feel that Betty is just crushing on me although the love she shows is so fierce, that it feels like it could be. I think that she knows the value of finding one TRUE person as opposed to after leaving her ex, wishing that she should go out and date around and get a feel. I feel no hidden thoughts that she wishes she moved so fast and had a chance to date more than one guy.

She has asked me how I will feel when she is gone and if I will be upset if she spends time with her friends. I said "Of course not, I want you to have a social life and enjoy being with friends. I know I can't always be there at this time in life, but I still want you to have fun." She went "Well, I don't have much of a social life, and don't think I really will but you won't be jealous if I would spend time with girl or guy friends of mine?" I said "No, why should I? If your heart is with me, then I don't have anything to worry about. It's when people try to control you that your heart breaks and you feel sad." She goes "I'm so glad that you feel that way. You know HE used to not let me do anything or keep track of me all the time."

She then later jumped into at one point saying "Promise me you will not be worried that I have done something if there is a time you cannot get ahold of me. Like before I left my school's internet was down for about 3 days." I said "No, unless I felt something happened to you like you got hurt, I wouldn't worry. I just ask you to promise me that if something happens, you will just be honest and tell me instead of keeping secrets and acting like things are fine." She goes "It's not even a question, I would never do something like that to you. I couldn't. I can't. Not with the love I have for you, I don't ever want to let you go." (perhaps this has to do with the constant 5+ calls/texts a day she got from her bf at the time before she met me.)

So there's things that feel awfully good. And questions of mine that don't raise doubts, but just curiousity as why she feels these ways. That little voice in my head sometimes tells me that she wants to know what she can get away with while i'm gone. That it'll be easy for her to be with another while i'm gone. And she said that "I was worried at first about you being out with friends but now I am not. I just know it will be different for you because I am here at camp safe from guys, and when I go back to college, you cannot see me and could worry." I said "If I felt that way, i'd think that you weren't safe now since there are guys at camp. Anywhere you go there will be women and men so it's not like you're alone. But I know you trust me and I trust you because we know this is something more than just trust." She said she feels the same way.

Sometimes that voice inside tells me I am being foolish for even thinking that she will be faithful for a YEAR without me being there to motivate her to be faithful and to satiate her sexual needs. It's very difficult to imagine. Part of me wishes that I had the time and money to travel with her and make sure it doesn't happen. But I know that it is also a foolish man who thinks he can control someone's mind. It's up to her to decide how she'll always feel about me.

I know it's possible that things will work. I feel that there is a very good chance. It's like my sister and her husband. Once they met after pen palling for awhile (and I think got physical) they decided to be exclusive. Eventually he proposed to her and she accepted. After another 8 months or something, he finally got over here and married her.

The thing is, like my sister, I know there are women who CAN wait without cheating. Who keep true to their hearts and avoid temptation. The question is, can Betty do this? I know I can, and I honestly feel that she is more than capable, I just feel that there has to be something solid to connect it with. Like a ring or something to symbolize like she wants. I think she wants it to also motivate her and make her feel that this is more than just words, but my words mean so much to her. You have no idea with the way she writes to me and expresses so much. She even expressed my own feelings in that we both want to have a good career and enough money to support a family and child. That she's not worried about having a baby at a certain age, but when the time is right and it's mutual. We did talk (yes, it's fast but better to be aware with our thoughts because we are active) if some "accident" happened during sex. She said that she would want us to decide together and that if I said no, she would get rid of it, but if I said yes, she'd keep it because we're in love and she wouldn't want to destroy something we created. She said "I know about your past and what you had to go through, but I think you made the right choice with that girl." She talks of knowing that she has a future with me and feels that I would always be there for her and that I would never tire of being a loving man. She touches my heart in ways that nobody else ever has. She wrote "In you, I have found everything I have ever wanted. The laughter, love, emotion and physical and spirit. We can talk about anything, even in bed. I know I was brought here to find you and I am not worried of 8,000 kilometers between us. It only feels like a small trip to be with you again." I feel the same and I feel that she is being REAL. I don't feel there is dark secrets or intentions. But I know that part of me doubts and it hurts to feel that when everything I feel and see is so tangible. Why do I deny myself true happiness in my heart because I fear?

I know she's just head over heels with me and we've even talked that we both know that we can communicate and discuss feelings even if something made us upset. (like last time)

Maybe i'm just asking for too much in the way that there should be no flaws or possible red flags or anything. That everything should be perfect owing to the fact that we'll be apart to compensate for that. But life isn't fair, I know that. I just wish I could mold my dreams and fate into something I feel i'm in control of.

Do you think it's crazy to even offer a promise ring to show this is serious to me?

[jslaughter]

I am a horrible incurable romantic and I don't think there is anything wrong with a promise ring. It's too soon for engagement but that shows the seriousness of your intent and if it will help her, so be it.

Only you and Betty know the seriousness of your relationship as no one else has been there for everthing that you have been through, and again I fall back to I believe it's about the QUALITY of time spent together not the QUANTITY. So if anyone else is casting doubts in your mind - brush them away.

You are a wonderful man with a great deal to offer and you deserve someone who sees how special you are and appreciates it (not sits back expecting your devotion and attention.) It sounds like you have found that woman, and though distance will not be ideal - it's doable.

Have faith not just in your love for Betty but for the love you have for each other. Hopefully you will not be disappointed.

[Bonovox40]

Thanks Jules. I always look forward to your comments. Always honest even when it's something I don't want to hear, but you never hesitate to keep awake the bright side of everything including the things of me I tend to be humble about. Let's just say you're like the "anti-voice" I so need to hear sometimes. Sometimes the logical side of what I see in my life, isn't really rational. Then you come along and say what you see from a 3rd person point of view and although you think i'm great (for some reason ;-) ) you try to be unbiased in your thoughts and I appreciate that. Sometimes I need somebody else to see past my strange inner-self logic that usually tries to make me not believe in myself when I have the best things going for me at the time.

Now's the time I SHOULD be having a blast. I know soon enough, the waiting will begin but i'll enjoy so much writing her and everything. I don't have to see her to know how she feels. When I read those words, I can see her in my heart speak. But until then, these times should be special.

Tomorrow she is coming to stay with me for the weekend. This is possibly our last weekend we will be able to be together before I go to training. So whatever happens, i'm going to make the best of whatever we do.

Funny, I just got a voicemail alert and it was Betty. I'm writing this at 4:30 but the call came in at 2:30. Why such a delay? Stupid Sprint. Anyway, she just said "Hi Zac. I love you so much. I just wanted to call and say how much I miss you and that i'll be waiting for your call tonight. I love you. Bye."

And that was it. Short, simple, so very sweet. If you could hear the way she said those words. Not sexy or anything, just in the tone of someone in love. You can hear it with her, you can see it, you can feel it. It's such an amazing feeling to actuall have someone's love be so tangible without even touching them. Wow. Just...wow. :-)

[jslaughter]

First and foremost - I am glad that you have found someone who is so special and who loves you for you.

I'm glad I can be there for you - I, too, have grown to depend on your wisdom when I feel like I'm getting off kilter, and you haven't failed me yet.

Enjoy your wonderful weekend with fabulous Betty, and maybe this time take pictures you can share!

Jules

[Bonovox40]

I do have pictures, i've just been lazy at figuring out how to upload them. Plus my work computer is the only thing I have right now. No internet at home so my boss is always around and makes it hard to do any net stuff. I usually do forum stuff while at other placed at my work when he's away. But I will get some pics out or just email you a few if you want.

[jslaughter]

Take more pictures this weekend - you can never have too many pictures! If this Peter thing works out we'll have to be "long distance" (3 hours away and I am embarrassed to call that long distance given your situation) for a while and so I plan to wall paper my room with pictures!

[Bonovox40]

I talked to my friend and he knows the story of how my sister and her husband met, dated, and married. He told me that with Betty, we've already bypassed the meeting/falling in love part and now she's a "limited time offer" because he thinks we're already at that stage where I should realize that if I don't do something serious soon, i'll lose her with the distance/time gap. I don't like the feeling that I have to rush faster into this. I'm totally down with getting something to symbolize how I feel, and in fact want to without his motivation. (I've even thought of giving her my graduate ring to wear but if my parents found out, they'd shoot me. I'd get the "You didn't work almost 5 years to give it away to some girl!" speach.
Anyway. I know she's willing to wait and like my sister and Mike did, they waited. I'm sure when she flew to greece to visit him, she most likely slept with him and they probably missed it when they were apart, i'm sure. But they survived and I know we can too.

Anyway, I have the weekend planned out. Tonight is just a relax day. (some lovin/massage/cook dinner etc.) Friday, i'm taking her to a zoo and then at night to Medieval times. Saturday, probably visiting my folks and maybe a friend and then off to Chicago to take her on top of the sears tower (but she still won't be higher than how she makes me feel) ;-) and after that, some romantic restaurant downtown that features fondue and private tables and wine. Then back home for one last night together before taking her home Sunday. We'll take pics, i'm sure. :-) Wish us luck and that we don't get harassed by homeless/crack whores. (always happens to me when I go ANYWHERE near Chicago!)

[jslaughter]

The great thing about friends is that sometimes they are wrong. (Except me I will NEVER lead you astray! ) The good news is that friends will ALWAYS offer wisdom and advice but ultimately you are the one who has to decide whether to take it or not.
Squirrley gave me some great friendship advice - you have to trust YOUR gut and your instincts, only you ultimately know what is right.

I also believe that communications is very important and you and Betty seem to communicate very well. If she felt like you HAD to be ENGAGED or lose her forever I'm sure she would've told you that and then you could handle that according to what you were feeling.

Sounds like you have a GREAT weekend planned - enjoy each other and the rest will take care of itself.

[squirrley]

K Bono sorry I havent replied to this been super busy. But I have been thinking about this for a couple of days...ok Im always on the same page as Jules and or vice versa. you guys have kept an open communication which most people at this point would have bailed considering the situation. BUT I am glad youre able to come to terms and discuss real issues that may arise while apart for this year. Because honestly, sex as important or unimportant as it can be, IS an issue. ITs called TRUST which you have with her and her with you. Everyone has needs its just how important is sex to that person and CAN they wait? Obvioulsy at this point you both can...awesome.

Now to the ring issue:which Ive REALLY been pondering here...I get the distinct impression this is Bettys idea? Ok fine. PROMISE is just that, youve made the committment to her, and the ring(s) are great to symbolize your committment to one another at this juncture-as long as its understood and communicated this ISNT engagement rings. Granted you guys are in love with one another, but Bono-you need to see how things are going to work within this year BEFORE making THAT committment, I know you know that too.

I dont know what her motivations are for wanting this-but as long as you both know where you stand, thats whats important. Im guessing shes buyin you a ring as well? Where are you planning on wearing this ring? Your wedding finger? I dont know-I guess Id say if youre ready to make this with her thats great, it sounds as if you are whole heartedly into this and going for the ride of your life-I applaud and commend your efforts into making this situation a good one for the both of you. Long distance is difficult and my prayers are with you guys over that year period. You KNOW how difficult that is going to be-and youre willing to give it your all! Thats great.

Bono-I wish you both the very best, and I hope youre able to keep your lines of communication open, and youre honestly at the level it is, cause damn youre going to need ALL of it. You know Jules and I wish you the VERY best, you deserve this, and deserve someone whose truly worthy of you!

You guys have a SUPER weekend and enjoy EVERY SINGLE SECOND!