In Love With my Best Friend-wierd situation (LONG)

[redsheep1781]

About me:
18, just started college, clearly in love with my best friend.

About her:
17, last year of high school, the closest person to me in the world.

Pre main-topic:
...met her 2 years ago...
...took me two weeks to realize i was crushing...
...she became really attached to me as well..
..took me a week after that to realize a friend of mine likes her...
..hid my feelings, he asked her out, i supported their relationship...
..never changed myself for them, and never intentionally did anything to hurt their relationship...
...she becomes my best friend..
...many people come upto me and tell me that it's obvious that i have feelings for her. but most of them advise that i dont do anything about it, because it may just ruin our friendship permanently. everyone also says that it SEEMS like she likes me, but it probably isnt...
..friend of mine/her bf comes to me 5 months later, we get into (a) physical fight, (b) verbal argument..
..they have a fight cos he feels that they are not spending enough time, and that she spends more time with me (i used to spend around 6-8 hrs with her everyday.. her bf got barely 30 mins . not my fault. he never bothered, so i never backed away, and she wanted to spend that time with me too)..
...i felt like i was getting in the middle of their relationship, so i backed away, from both of them. stopped sending her notes in the middle of classes, talking to her, and started acting like a complete stranger (NO EXCEPTIONS)....
...she wonders whats up for one week, gets angry (REALLY ANGRY) the second, cries the whole third week, then gives up trying to get me to change my mind about moving away from her...
...6 months pass, she and her bf are going smooth...
...she comes upto me, tells me that she's even willing to give up her relationship with her bf for my friendship...
...we talk everything out, i explain why i moved away, and she tells me that if she has a problem with me, then she'll let me know, and i shouldn't take such decisions by myself...
...we're back to our friendship, NO AWKWARDNESS WHATSOEVER. infact, we're closer than ever, because we both feel that we've broken this barrier, that no one can get between us, not even her bf...
...she finds out that i like her. i confess that i do, and that i have for the past god knows how long. she says to get over her, and she just wants to be my best friend...
..everything smooth, no awkwardness...
...6 months later, her best friend and my guy best friend come and tell me (on two diff occasions), that my bff likes me too, and has liked me for the past, like, forever, even before she started going out with the other guy...
...im like "WTH!????!???!!???!! all those decisions that i took based me thinking that she doesnt like me were worthless?? she never told me? even though she knows that i like her??"...
...i never did anything about it because she was still going out with the guy. i just didnt know what to do, so i ignored that, and just remained her best friend...
...everything going smooth for 3 months...
... 4 days back, she tells me that she's 99% gonna break up with the guy...
*cliffhanger moment! *

Here's where the main story starts (phew!)-

If you've read what I've written so far, in detail, and with a good deal of attention and intrest, then you know what kind of position I'm in. Let me explain what happened 4 days ago. I went to meet her after a long time (I was traveling). She comes and hugs me, and its not the usual type. Its the clingy type, like she needs support because something's wrong. So we hold each other for a while. I don't pressure her to find out what's wrong. I know its inevitable, so I just wait for her to let it out herself. She then tells me that she's given her BF 4 chances, and he has screwed up each and every one of the major decisions in his life. What he doesn't realize is that it affects her too, and although she downplays everything he ever does, it still hurts her a lot. She bursts into tears. Since we've met after a long time, she decides to quit talking about it, and not spoil the moment. Day before yesterday, we were chatting online, and it hit me HARD how much I'm still into her. She hasn't broken up yet, but she's about to, 99% sure of it, and he knows its coming too.
I haven't been able to focus on anything since that realization, and I don't know what to do, what to tell her. Even though she likes me, an intuition tells me that she doesn't want to go out with me. Plus, even if we do go out, we're officially at a risk of losing ourselves forever. And I definitly don't want to ask her out for at least another month. Wait for her to settle down.

I don't know what to do, its a wierd situation. I'm welcoming all comments, experience feedbacks, and questions.
Help me make up my mind on what to do!

[carl1222]

First of all, you can't have a normal, happy platonic friendship if one (or both) of you has romantic feelings for the other. It just doesn't work ... as your story clearly illustrates.

The inevitable outcome depends on what her romantic feelings for you are. You can't avoid the outcome by pretending it doesn't exist and trying to be "just friends."

She knows how you feel about her so the ball is in her court to tell you how she feels about you. Her decision to stay with or leave her bf, however, should be an independent choice she makes BEFORE talking about your relationship.

So if she has romantic feelings for you, she has to do two things:

1) break up with her bf first
2) tell you how she feels about you.

Then, the two of you can have a happy, healthy romantic relationship based on a deep friendship.

If she does NOT have romantic feelings for you, then you have to give up the friendship with her (for now) for your own sanity and peace of mind.

It appears that she may have segmented her feelings for two different guys into one composite "boyfriend." You can't let her do that ... it's unfair to you, unfair to herself and unfair to her boyfriend. She can't be allowed to have a bf to satisfy her romantic needs, and a friend-friend to satisfy her emotional needs. That doesn't work for any of you.

You are starting college soon, and this would be a perfect time to let your friendship with her fade away. After all, you aren't looking for her as just a friend. You all are very young, and you all will probably have lots of changed feelings over the next few years anyway. Concentrate instead on the new experience and the new people you will meet.

I know this is hard advice, but living in a one-sided romance is MUCH MUCH harder.

Good luck.

Carl.

[redsheep1781]

Carl,

I must admit, your post has a really deep insight. Thank you for your time into my situation.

"If she does NOT have romantic feelings for you, then you have to give up the friendship with her (for now) for your own sanity and peace of mind."
-I already tried that. I tried staying away from her for around 6 months, completely isolating myself. It didn't help much, and I found myself equally distracted, but even more hurt because I didn't have her there. In the process, she got hurt as well.

"You are starting college soon, and this would be a perfect time to let your friendship with her fade away. After all, you aren't looking for her as just a friend. You all are very young, and you all will probably have lots of changed feelings over the next few years anyway. Concentrate instead on the new experience and the new people you will meet."
-I've already started college. I hadn't met her for over 4 months [April to July], and barely chatted with her over the internet (I mentioned I was traveling). Even after all that, meeting her just a few days back intensified my feelings, as well as our friendship. It's already been around one and a half months of college. I don't get the feeling that this friendship is going to fade anytime soon. A 6 month test, and a 4 month test both were epic failures.

"I know this is hard advice, but living in a one-sided romance is MUCH MUCH harder."
-Trust me, I know that very well.

"It appears that she may have segmented her feelings for two different guys into one composite "boyfriend." You can't let her do that ... it's unfair to you, unfair to herself and unfair to her boyfriend. She can't be allowed to have a bf to satisfy her romantic needs, and a friend-friend to satisfy her emotional needs. That doesn't work for any of you."
-I'll be honest. For the past one and a half years, I really haven't bothered to put my nose into their relationship and find out how she behaves with him. Maybe she goes beyond just romance, and behaves emotional towards him as well. I can't comment much on this thought without more certainty in this issue.

Counter thoughts welcome (^.^)..
looking forward to it actually.


EDIT: I also loved your usage of "platonic love". I hadn't heard of that term before. Captured my thoughts for a while, there.

[redsheep1781]

Still looking for more advice.

[chemmy]

Common Boy! Be a man and be sincere with yourself. From all indications you love her but she likes you. She wants to be around all the time for one reason or the other but the truth is you cant date her because your friend is on line.

Now, don't you think you 're blocking your chances of having those other girls that are interested in you? If you don't try to stay away from her now, later when she start seeing with other girls, I bet you will not like what you will be experiencing.