My jealousy issues..

[toodlesoodles]

Hi, my name is Steve. I broke up with my girlfriend Sarah a few months ago, and while I love her to bits and wish we could be together again, that is a different matter altogether and isn't the point of this thread.

Anyway, let me go back to the beginning. I met Sarah 2 years ago and we pretty much hit it off right away and started going out. A month or so before she met me though she was introduced to another guy called Tom with whom she got on well with, but purely in a platonic sense (from her side anyway). They are very similar people she's told me and they have the same interests and humour. He had a huge crush on her and when he found out me and Sarah were getting close and ready to date he asked her to chose him over me. She didn't.

Anyway, me and Sarah went out for 2 years but Tom and Sarah remained friends, which I was totally fine with. I trusted her completely. I knew he still very much liked her though. During my relationship with Sarah we broke up a few times but got back together, and during one break-up (the penultimate break-up to our final one) he wrote her a letter telling her that he still liked her alot and that he felt he connected with her more than anyone he's ever met before. She knocked him back again and we went back out.

Unfortunately me and Sarah have since split and it seems it's final. Now I'm just terrified she's going to get with this guy. Not only because it'd hurt me but because both Tom and Sarah are in the same circle as my other friends, it'd make my life very difficult, having to see them together alot, which would be kind of unavoidable.

Now me and Sarah still talk and I have raised this issue with her and she's been great about everything. Although it sometimes makes her angry, she always does her best to completely reassure me that nothing will happen between them because she's not interested, and that even IF she was, still nothing would happen because she wouldn't hurt me like that. I always bring up the point of them being similar as a case they'll get together but she turns this round on me and says that the fact they are too similar means it wouldn't work. Also, she's also described her ideal man to me (which essentially describes me) and apart from having the right hair colour, this guy is pretty much the polar opposite. Anyway, despite the constant reassurance, I still can't shake the fear of it happening and I hate it, I feel like a terrible person. After she's reassured me I'll feel fine for a little while and then the feelings will slip back, either for no reason at all or they'll text eachother/talk on MSN and I'll get jealous. Even worse is that I feel the more I ask her about this (even though she tells me it's fine to talk to her about it if I need to), it's kind of like the more likely it is to happen? Like I am almost forcing them together, or driving her towards him. Could this happen or am I being stupid?


Let me make it clear though, I've never said to her that she can't talk to him or be his friend, I've just raised concerns of them getting together. Also, I'm not saying she can't get with any guy. So 'okay, I'm not gonna lie, when she does it'll hurt like hell but I know it's gonna happen. It's just this one guy Tom that has me worrying.

My issues with this Tom guy only started after he wrote her that letter during our break at Christmas. Before then I'd never even mentioned it. However, before that she'd had issues herself with jealousy about my ex-girlfriend Jen. I broke up with Jen about 3 monthss before I met Sarah and me and Jen were still good friends, although that was all we were FRIENDS. I knew we'd never get back together but after being together for so long we were close and she'd kind of become like a sister. But Sarah would often get jealous and she was convinced I might run off back to her and I had to do a lot of reassuring.

So as you can see, she felt exactly about Jen as I do about Tom and so she knows how horrible it is. We used to discuss Jen and her fears, just as we've discussed Tom and my fears. It feels like we kind of have an understanding on this subject. That is why I'd feel it'd be a big slap in the face if she was to end up with him when she knows full well how utterly horrible jealousy is.

I'm just sick of feeling this way and upsetting myself and at times, her too. Any comments would be very welcome. Thanks.

[Chaz3]

Man... I know how ya feel... Jealousy is normal.. all guys get jealous from time to time and women do too. The trick is reject the thought of being jealous, get a whatever/it doesn't matter mentality. The only reason people get jealous is because of a hint of insecurity somewhere about themselves, not another person. Do things for you, build confidence in yourself, and be the bad ass you are. Come to the realization that even if she gets with Tom, its no big deal to you, because your a bad ass and things are good in your life when your all by yourself. Before long the mentality will be ingrained in your being, you won't even think of it anymore, and good things will start happening.

[carl1222]

If it's truly over between the two of you, you have to accept the fact that eventually she will become interested in someone else. It is, however, unlikely that it will be Tom because of her lack of romantic interest and her sense of decency toward you.

You have to address the larger problem of whether or not you can remain friends when the inevitable DOES happen. With your jealousy issues, I suspect not, so if there is no romantic reconciliation on the horizon, you may have to start unwinding the friendship as well.

How did you let such a good one get away?

Carl.

[paracelsus82]

You gotta let go, jealousy is the root of all evil! Do you want sara to remain your friend?
Is it fair to sara to say she can talk to you but not him? Does she have the right to pick her friends? Tom has tried her a few times now, and she hasnt gone there....and if yall are not together anymore, then you really have no reason to be jealous. U seem to still have feelings for her...but you have to be the bigger man here, cause if u keep asking and inquiring and being annoying about TOM, then she is NOT gonna want to keep talking to u. so guess who wins? even if she doesnt necessarily "go out" with him

[toodlesoodles]

Thank you for the advice so far guys.

Let me make it clear though, I've never said to her that she can't talk to him or be his friend, I've just raised concerns of them getting together. Also, I'm not saying she can't get with any guy. So 'okay, I'm not gonna lie, when she does it'll hurt like hell but I know it's gonna happen. It's just this one guy Tom that has me worrying.

There is something I left out of the original post which I should bring up to make things clearer. My issues with this Tom guy only started after he wrote her that letter during our break at Christmas. Before then I'd never even mentioned it. However, before that she'd had issues herself with jealousy about my ex-girlfriend Jen. I broke up with Jen about 3 monthss before I met Sarah and me and Jen were still good friends, although that was all we were FRIENDS. I knew we'd never get back together but after being together for so long we were close and she'd kind of become like a sister. But Sarah would often get jealous and she was convinced I might run off back to her and I had to do a lot of reassuring.

So as you can see, she felt exactly about Jen as I do about Tom and so she knows how horrible it is. We used to discuss Jen and her fears, just as we've discussed Tom and my fears. It feels like we kind of have an understanding on this subject. That is why I'd feel it'd be a big slap in the face if she was to end up with him when she knows full well how utterly horrible jealousy is.

How did you let such a good one get away?

Dude, trust me I know. I torture myself over it every day and I think it's something I might not ever be able to forgive myself for. She's a special girl and I love her to absolute bits. Biggest mistake and regret of my life, bar none.

[Chaz3]

Thank you for the advice so far guys.
Dude, trust me I know. I torture myself over it every day and I think it's something I might not ever be able to forgive myself for. She's a special girl and I love her to absolute bits. Biggest mistake and regret of my life, bar none.

WAAA!! I understand why ya think that but... Step one: Realize there are lots of good girls out there. Step two: Just cheer up! If ya look around I assure you there are plenty of reasons to smile! Step three: Go do something fun for yourself or do something that makes you feel strong or do something you can be proud of yourself for doing. Step four: Repeat steps 1-3 continuously!! Keep it up and you'll be better and feel better than you've ever been after not to long!