Am i just being jealous? Or is she being insensitive?

[Troubleshooter]

Owh goodness, internet anonymity or not, this is awkward. Here goes.



Im a guy in my mid 20's who is in a 1 year relationship with a girl who just turned 20. We really enjoy our relationship and the words "marriage" and "kids" have been mentioned a few times. So we are seeing eachother as keepers.



However, a few days ago something happened that brought out that old green dragon: jealously.



My girlfriend and i are both easily jealous and normally its only a minor thing. About 6 months ago we met a guy while we were playing a online game together and she and the guy quickly became friends. Mainly because this guy was very depressed and shy and she wanted to make him feel better. This guy really reminded me of how i used to be years back, and i wish i had such a nice friend to give me attention.



However she started to spend more and more time talking and playing this silly game together with him, to the point of me feeling neglected. I spoke to her about this and she was sorry, and soon afterwards she stopped playing the game to focus on her university.

Things were good again, she might still give guys left and right alot of attention but still made sure i felt like her number 1, and that they knew it.



However, in the summer vacation she started chatting online alot again. This was normal as we are in a 'medium' range relationship and cant see eachother on a daily basis. Anyway, i still play this game and came across this guy again. She said she missed talking to him, so in a effort to be nice to her i told this guy about it and shared MSN adresses. This was earlier this week.



The past few days she keeps yapping about how cute he looks, how he seems to be just like how i described i was before i met her, how happy she is that insted of being a grumpy bastard he is giving her virtual hugs and being nice to her, and how she is changing him, etc,etc.



She knows i get jealous easily from that kind of stuff, i made that clear months ago, yet she is doing it again. Its hurting me and making me grumpy, but i dont want to be one of those demanding guys that disallows her to talk to someone.

Its ok for her to talk to him and help him feel better, but does she have to keep talking about him and giving him so much attention i feel neglected in comparison?



Am i just being jealous, i know im a jealous person so i want to bite down and try to solve this on my own as much as possible without bothering her. Or is she being insensitive to my jealousy? If you people need to know more, please ask, its embarrassing to talk about my relationship issues on a public forum but ill do my best.



This is my first real relationship. So im not sure what is accepted or what a guy can ask of a girl when it comes to taking measures to lower jealousy.

[Troubleshooter]

I would like to get a reply from this as soon as possible. She is currently working but in a few hours id like to talk to her about this, but at the moment im not really sure how to handle this.

[bloodtippedrose]

Jealousy is a stupid thing. If you trusted her you wouldn't be jealous. If you weren't insecure you wouldn't be jealous. That's not something she can fix, its all about your own mentality. If you thought to yourself "Im awesome, can be happy with or without others, and if she wanted to leave me for someone else then her loss" you wouldn't be so mopey. Unfortunately it sounds like shes interested in this other guy, though I would take it as a good sign that shes talking openly about him with you. You need to focus on what you love to do and keep an eye on whats developing between those two. If she wants to start something with this other guy then don't hold on to her and cry and bitch, let her go. If she loves you then she will stay friends with this guy. Do small things for her to remind her that you think shes special. Jealously doesn't help any situation.

[Troubleshooter]

Well unfortunately i talked to her and explained how it made me feel and that i felt neglected.
She got upset at me and felt i was overreacting and that she and the guy were just friends. That according to her she didnt do anything different and that the attention she gave him didnt come at the cost of the attention i recieved from her.

I tried to tell her i normally always handle my jealousy well and she agreed on that part. But she just seemed angry and unable to understand i just needed some extra affection or attention and not hear her bring this guy up 10 times a day.

She stormed off. Im not sure if i still have a girlfriend at this point....

[Troubleshooter]

Guess a play by play might help decide whether i overreacted or whether she did. Sadly because of our current location this week there was no way we could discuss this face to face, only online, with webcams and chat. Not good i know, but i couldnt pretend to be in a good mood while im feeling crap.



- She came home 30 minutes earlier from work, being in a good mood.

- She noticed i was feeling sad and asked what was wrong.

- I told her i have been feeling neglected.

- She asked "how do you mean?"

- I explained to her that the day earlier she kept bringing this guy up in our chats every 10-15 minutes and that some things she said or didnt say made me feel bad.

- She said she only mentioned him a few times.

- I gave her an example: i always call this guy Grumpy, and earlier today she seemed to defend him by saying "He has been smiling on cam all day, and giving me virtual hugs etc. Grumpy, my ass".

- She only said "yes", seemingly in a what-of-it kind of way.

- I gave her another example: This game we met in we havent been able to play together in a while. I told her earlier today that i would love it if she could join me in it again and she replied with "yeah, i told xxx i missed playing that game with him. Its so awesome when he nerd-rages when he loses." And that it made me think "wtf...i was talking about us playing it, not playing with xxx."

- I mentioned she also said a few times "he is so cute" or "he is exactly how you said how you used to be."

- She said "sorry".

- I told her "I had hoped you would have realized i expected a little bit of help in the form of affection when its obvious im jealous. Insted of just letting me 'get over it' all by myself."

- I told her "I want you to understand you have the full freedom to pick friends and do with them what you like. But ever since you had the idea you could 'change xxx' it seemed to come at the cost of attention for me."

- I told her "I dont mind that you talk to him all day while you are unable to talk to me. You are free to talk, love, cuddle and go out with guys and girls alike obviously. But please think about how you would feel if i kept talking to some girl all the time and i kept mentioning to her, etc."

- I asked her "Can you find yourself in my position?"

- She replied with "I guess".

- I told her "When you left for work i asked you for some reassurance by asking you why you love me so much, so i dont feel so lonely." (We both do this from time to time if we feel we need some affection and feel good.)

- She replies with "Yeah, i know what you said. I didnt see the words 'im jealous' when you asked."

- I told her "You knew i was jealous. You even said you noticed it about 30 minutes before that."

- Her reply "yes, but i kind of assumed you werent anymore. I usually only stay jealous for 5 minutes or so."

- I told her "Since you found out i was jealous you didnt make a move at all to help me shake it off. I did my best to shake it off and forget it."

- I gave her another example of what made me feel bad "I was telling you how i managed to enable you to play again at my expense and you just started talking about how the game-addicted xxx dropped the game to give you attention when you were feeling lonely and i was sleeping.

- She replied with a "Well excuse me for being excited".

- I gave her an example of how she once got jealous and felt neglected when i spend some time chatting with a girl i used to date for a few hours.

- She said that was different, i used to have a sexual/romantic interest in that girl insted of just friends.

- I told her "the way you talk about xxx almost implies more then just friendly feelings".

- She looked very annoyed at this point and asked "How do you figure that?"

- I told her "Because you seem to bring him up alot since you got back in contact with him. I take it you think im overreacting and seeing things. I know im being jealous, but i also think you added to it while you should have known better."

- She commented "Yeah, i think you are overreacting. Im sorry you got upset. I however am not sorry for talking about my friend."

- Me reminding her "Darling, i dont mind if you talk to him or help him feel better, but it seemed to come at the cost of attention to me.

- She replied "It did not at all"

- Me clarifying why i felt threatened "You kept mentioning him and saying you like him etc"

- This is when she kinda eeeh, snapped "Yes i like him, alot. But I F#$%NG LOVE YOU! I dont see how me talking to xxx drew attention away from you."

- I explained to her that while i was sleeping in the morning/afternoon she felt lonely and talked to xxx and asking him for virtual hugs insted of waking me up and chatting/cuddling with me like she normally does when lonely.

- She proceeded to say that she never wakes me up unless she asks the night before or she is really upset about something. And that she actually felt neglected by me because i slept in so long. She said she wasnt upset about it because she knew i could not spend all my time with her. (curiously...when i did wake up, she denied feeling annoyed i slept so long, yet she seemed grumpy with me for a little while)

- I told her i knew she could not spend all her time with me either and that that was just fine.

- As a 'recap', i explained how i was struggling with jealousy in the few hours we talked yesterday, and that she knew i was jealous but didnt do anything to help me out and just let me 'get over it' on my own. All the while bringing this guy up every now and then. And that when finally i asked outright for affection she just bluntly referred me to something she wrote a year ago, insted of taking a few seconds to help out.

- She sighed and said "I already explained that. (her not noticing i needed help) but if my explanation and apology arent good enough..." (she shrugged)

- I told her im doing fairly well in controlling my jealousy. And i always control it and dont annoy her with it if she just takes my feelings into account.

- She agreed that overall the past year i did very well in dealing with my jealousy.

- She seemed to blow up here, saying "You KNOW damn well xxx and i are friends. I often talk about my friends."

- I replied by saying "yeah, but you dont bring the same one up a dozen times a day and saying 'he is cute' and stuff like that. And then you dont slap it into my face when i try to help us be able to do something together and you proceed to bring up the fact you want to do this with xxx"

- Angry, she said "i didnt slap anything in your face".

- I thought my words were too harsh so i said "my bad, poor choice of words."

- She just said "indeed".

- I clarified that it just seemed that she wanted to do something with xxx that i was trying to accomplish with her.

- She proceeded to yell "well then you have a #$%@ memory!"

- I calmy asked her if anyone who is trying to make it possible to do something together wants to hear the first words of the other being "i told xxx i missed doing that with him"

- She replied with "no, probably not. But you KNOW i prefer to do things with you."

- I gave her some examples of stuff she should know but still needs reminders of. Such as knowing i love her but needing to hear it from me. Or knowing its safe to be on a webcam for me but still being afraid to do it.

< At this point she shut off the webcams, i got no more replies from her>

- I told her i thought that she of all people would understand that a little reassurance or affection helps cope with the struggle against jealousy and reminding myself that she prefers spending time with me.

- I told her i was sorry for being jealous but that i was fighting it. That in general i was doing good with it and making quick progress.

- I told her i wasnt asking her to change how she and xxx communicate, only that she gives me a little help when she keeps bringing him up.

- I told her thats all i need and that the rest is up to me and that ill be able to deal with it.

< At this point she went offline, and i currently have no means of communicating with her aside from MSN >



Reading back how the conversation went. I cringe at how whiny i sound, i can understand her being frustrated by that. But i expected some understanding, like i always show understanding when she is overreacting or upset. She very rarely reacts this hostile to me when im upset about something.



Im thinking she is either insulted that i think she neglected me or is having feelings for xxx, she is angry i lost control of my jealousy, or she is setting me up for deflecting her guilt at not noticing my feelings.



She has a habit of deflecting things when im upset with her. Including 6 months ago when she kissed a guy while tispy and while being angry i grumbled that i couldnt even get a picture of her for on my computer but it only took a jackass a few glasses of vodka to make her kiss him. The next day she went crazy on me claiming i was suggesting her giving me her heart and soul wasnt good enough.

[Troubleshooter]

Well, she came over in the morning, driving all the way over to talk it out. Appearantly her internet connection broke down (plausible, it often goes down for hours during the night) and she jumped into the car and drove the entire night to get here. She apoligized for not being able to call me and let me know she didnt run out of a fight but merely had tech problems.

She had calmed down enough by then to have a mature talk with me and she told me she understood i was jealous and needed a little help, and that she had already apoligized for not noticing it earlier while talking online (The apoligy was very vague but ok, sometimes things get blurry when people are angry. She did say she was sorry for not noticing.)

After she apoligized i told her i forgave her for not giving me a little help when i needed it and we agreed that i have done a commendable job fighting my jealousy dispite sometimes difficult circumstances. Such as her having a male roommate for a while, or going out with male friends and cuddling them, etc.

She told me she WANTS to help me fight this jealousy and that me asking for affection or help doesnt in the least bother her. She likes helping me out because i help her with her fears in return. So i told her that next time i will ask her for help on the spot and as clearly as possible.

She was however, extremely pissed off because last night i said "it almost implies you have more then just friendly feelings" after commenting on how often she brings this guy up.

She couldnt seem let go of the possibility of me having the thought she was having a emotional affair with a friend and that i wasnt trusting her enough. It greatly insulted her.

I kept explaining to her i said ALMOST implies, not implies, and that i said that line to help her understand what that little green jealousy dragon is whispering into my ear, and what i have to fight against. She still didnt seem ready to move on so i told her she was seeing too much into it and she should let it go, just like how i let go of my jealousy and me being upset she didnt pay attention to my efforts to control jealousy while it seemed clear enough. She seemed hesitant to let it go but decided to try anyway, and we hugged and slowly started talking about other subjects.

Now its 6 hours after she came to visit me, we had make up sex, and we cuddled and shared the afternoon together. She says we are stable, but she hasnt forgiven me yet, but she is trying because she knows i deserve it.

She is the kind of girl that holds grudges for minor things for a long time. I expect she will tell me she forgives me sometime in the coming days. She's good at deflecting alright.

Still cant help but love her to bits though.

[bloodtippedrose]

Wow troubleshooter... I completely take back my first post. While its still true that jealously is an awful and pointless thing, the way you acted was not overreacting, was not your fault, you dont need to work on ANYTHING. You make it sound in your last post "yeah shes going to help me work on it." NO she needs the work.

This girl is very flirtatious and gets angry way too easy. You played your fight well by not exploding. I think its total BS that she doesnt play said video game with you but does with the other guy, gets "virtual hugs" AT ALL from him and says hes cute! wtf?!

you say "You are free to talk, love, cuddle and go out with guys and girls"
Fu(k no she should not CUDDLE with other guys. Cuddling leads to other things, you know it and she'd do it.

I cant believe she had a few drinks and kissed another guy. That is unacceptable. Its like shes seeing how much she can get away with and youre letting her

everything she rebuts with does not aid to the solution or even sound like theres any remorse. She gets mad that you called her on it then tries to turn it so it sounds like your fault. Her comebacks are either snappy and meant to make you mad OR theyre like "loving you should be enough" BS!!! Thats all she ever comes back with! You love her and you show it by confronting her when youre upset and trying to solve it, she is not showing her love to you. Instead she flirts with everyone right in front of you. She needs the work not you.

Troubleshooter youre an awesome guy, shes lucky to be dating you. You're sweet, you say whats on your mind, and you try to spend lots of time with her. I know what youre going to do, youre going to continue this relationship, continue hurting when she flirts with other people, continue to think its your fault and youre the one that needs fixing, continue to be taken advantage of. when you say "I expect she will tell me she forgives me sometime in the coming days" it makes me ill. Forgive you for WHAT?! for being upset when she flirts with everyone else? Im sorry but I hate her. Shes like a guy trying to spread her seed while you sit at home wondering where she is. if anyone needs to work on anything its her anger issues. I highly suggest she takes a psychology course so she can see whats underneath her anger.

Point of the story: you didn't overreact, if she goes on like this your relationship wont work, and you should keep an eye on this other "cute" guy -_- My boyfriend says break up with her because shes not worth the hassle and that you can find someone so much better than her.

I think that shes eventually going to cheat on you and I hope youre prepared for it. If you have to break up with her, don't be afraid too. Dont wonder if shes the best you'll ever get because its not true. Good luck

[Yggdrasil]

For what it is worth (hint): once a woman starts talking about another guy being so cute and reminding her of how you were, it's a clear indicator that she's missing something in the relation which attracted her to you.

Now she's compensating for that 'missing' part with someone else.

I guess (no offense), you make one little mistake (a very common one): you didn't LISTEN.

You're right in setting boundaries. To me it seems she keeps pushing those boundaries.

There is a good possibility she has a wrong mental picture of you and that the person she thinks you are, and whom you really are, are two different identities.

Time for some serious talk with her, and some soul searching.

Especially, listen to what she is telling you.