Confessions before committing.

[anonymousgirl]

So I need help. I haven't told my fiance about my real undergraduate GPA (unfortunate circumstances - family related, etc..) and I did not expect to fall in love and planning a life together with someone so kind and good, but here I am. My below 3.0 GPA will hinder many chances (initially) and limit my opportunities although I am willing to fight tooth and nail to accomplish my career goals. Unfortunately, we're about to marry and I'm scared his self admitted unconditional love will go away once he finds out the truth. He already knows my credentials are low (but not THAT low) and he's optimistic I'll get into so many graduate schools.

I need to tell him the truth or break up with him. He says he loves me unconditionally, but I'm still so insecure about it. I know love doesn't hinge on statistics like this one but I can't help but be realistic about it. He sees me in such a great light and he is sure he wants to spend the rest of his life with me - yet there is this fact that he doesn't know. That it will definitely take me longer to get me to where I want to be and I don't know if I should drag him along. In every other respect I've been honest with him and he loves me for who I am except that my chances of going into higher education has to be delayed until I can get incredible experience + letter of recommendations down first.

What should I do? Does it even matter? My current GPA is 2.7 and I told him I have a little bit above a 3.0. This question may be really stupid, but it has been taxing my mind so much and I'd really appreciate any advice you have to give. We are both intellectuals and I know (given less major life interruptions), I am very capable of doing well. Things just comes at you sometimes, but he is so proud of his GPA and accomplishments it makes me feel like these stats are of great importance. That GPA relates to worth. That my worth right now is low...literally...yet in his eyes I'm "the one".

I don't know what to do. If you think this is a juvenile question, maybe it is. But I'm going to ask anyway because I'm really saddened by having to face this truth. I have never told anyone the real truth about my low gpa because friends don't really care... but I'm going to be entering into this lifelong commitment with someone who expects me to engage in life and accomplish it with him so I must let him now about my real limitations one way or other.

However, as a girl, I'm deathly afraid it'll come down the extreme where he'll leave me or see me less or we lose this incredible spark that we have because of this lie I've been keeping from him. There's a very real difference to those who don't have at least a 3.0 undergraduate GPA vs someone who does. You can say if he really loves me it shouldn't matter, but tell me the truth, as a guy who fits his profile. Someone engaging, someone proud of his own accomplishments regarding GPA, someone who takes life by the horns and demands much resilience and grandeur from it all towards the later years. I want the same things, but it will take me a lot longer to get there.

Forgive the length. We are in love. I've never been before, same with him. But because I found love, I need to disclose all of my rather than just my personality and our experiences together to truly give myself completely - without all these bothering insecurities.

Please don't be mean. I appreciate any advice. I'm going to be making a life changing commitment soon and I just want input if only to take into consideration what other perspectives I haven't explored yet that might exist out there. I've told no one about this. Thank you for reading my incredibly long post and hopefully your honest answers will help me.

[Cain]

First of all, unconditional love in relationships doesn't exist.

Second of all, why lie about something so trivial?

[anonymousgirl]

We're both very level headed. And although we face our realities, that things might not work out, at least to him, it isn't a possibility because we're so compatible and sustainable. Is that really trivial, though? When our higher education (we're both trying to get into close schools and applying together) depends on it? When he will change where he lives and his whole schedule in life just to have proximity to me? I think it will have a very real affect on our future standings and initially I thought of it as just a way to defer prejudgment on a first date. Because I think like him and I'd be deterred (if on the first date), I met someone who has an incredibly low GPA to begin with. So I lied only because it wasn't necessary to disclose on a first date to anyone, I wanted him to not be clouded with any prejudice on my intellectual abilities.

Hopefully this response helped.

[Cain]

You should both be going to the graduate schools that you want to go to anyways. Neither of you should be changing your life for the other right now since you aren't married. If the relationship ended, you very well could regret the sacrifices you made to such a weak commitment.

Lying is bad. Regardless of the lie. If he would really leave you over it, though, then he didn't deserve to be with you in the first place.

[anonymousgirl]

The commitment is a strong one, not a weak one. It's his own decision because he knows what he wants and he's willing to make these changes to gain proximity to me because we'd be fine to go to whatever schools we want in what state we're accepted to... but in his perspective it doesn't hurt to better a situation and to continue his commitment by planning a situation with more exposure to me vs. simply avoiding it or not taking it into consideration. He'd apply to school in my same state, for example, just to see if he'll get in so he could commute to me. It is important to him that he receives this proximity.

I agree. Lying is bad. I cannot change the past except to confess. Is it worth the confession? I know your stance of whether it should matter or not, but realistically, does one's intellectual chances of going some places and doing things compounded with the lie will make it appear more of a betrayal than what it is?

[Cain]

If it were me, I'd shrug it off. The only way that education would cause me to be frustrated is if the girl was stupid and I couldn't hold a conversation with her or if she had no intention of going through school. You don't seem to be negative in either aspect, so you should be fine.

[anonymousgirl]

Thank you Cain. I'm going to go tell him and see how it plays out. If he breaks up with me for it, then I'd be devastated as we're both so compatible it's sometimes eerie how we can finish each other's thought processes. But I'll consider it a factor of life and at least I've tried my best to give him the exhaustive list of me instead of something more abridged. Comparable to many, I may have less of a list of baggage but it haunts me for I do see GPA as somewhat connected to one's worth, dedication, etc. I'm not a guy, though. You make a good point, as long as I'm not some bimbo and we have great chemistry, commitment, and a shared drive to succeed together - it should be alright.

[anonymousgirl]

Anyone else have a take on this? I really appreciate it.

[Junket]

My take is that you put way too much value in GPA.

My take is also, he's pretty infatuated with you right now. When a guy falls for a girl (not merely attracted to), he'll overlook pretty much anything and everything "negative". It's nature's way of ensuring men can continue to get into women's pants.

Even if the men regret it later.

EDIT: I graduated highschool with a 1.83 GPA.

[cewzp4]

If it is really bothering you, tell him. But to be honest if he judges you over your GPA he's not a keeper.

I also think that if you are having trouble telling your fiance something so (IMO) trivial, you two may not have the best lines of communication which can eventually lead to marital problems.

[anonymousgirl]

Yes, I agree, I'm putting so much value on GPA. Probably because I've been perusing a lot of graduate forums lately and all their requirements (which almost always includes a baseline undergraduate GPA score) to get in. It has made me feel so incredibly insecure about my chances but at the same time, I do believe if I really want it and I work hard for it, then eventually I'll get there. My fiance has never been in my eyes the type who is so nit picky as to break it up over this lie but maybe he'll see it as lying over such a trivial detail whereas I'll view it as a very important aspect of my life/immediate career options that the lie would seem more serious. If I'm lying about such a so called trivial aspect of myself, then what else could I be lying about, etc.

Do you guys ask your girlfriends for their GPA, granted that I'm going to assume you're around my age and stuff like this comes into mind? I was asked on my first date because he was so impressed by me, how I could intellectually stimulate him. However, it has been a while since then and he's clearly head over heels for me in this current state - thus he popped the question. No one seems to care so much about GPA, maybe I'm artificially inflating its importance because I'm researching so much about requirements right now...

[Reath]

Why would he break up with you just because of your GPA?
No shit, he may even get the Knight in Shining Armor syndrome..

[anonymousgirl]

Haha, very funny. Well, not break up with me per se, but moreso I'm scared of losing his trust or tainting this good relationship we have together and seeing less that sparkle in his eyes when he looks at me. I guess I'm talking about a gradient of what might happen instead of purely the extreme scenario of a break up.

[damlazy]

Well over where I'm at we have what is called UAI in Australia, which in simple terms is similar to GPA. My girlfriend back then was a high school dropout while we were dating, but had told be within the first week of dating.

I myself did finish high school, but didn't really achieve a great score. But one thing that kept us together our love, we both were hard working people and had the same vision and goals. My parents first wasn't too happy on hearing about her education level, but I had convinced myself she would be the one.

I started up a successful company and was doing about 80+ hours per week and really would have given up if it wasn't for her support and care she that she had provided me. I was able to sell the company 4 years down the track for a great fortune I was satisfied with.

Now we are happily retired and traveling in our late 20s. I popped the big just question last year, and she was in tears saying yes. I kept my end to bargain which was that I would be her "first and last".

I hope this helps.

[anonymousgirl]

Awwww, that's such a romantic sweet story you have with your fiance. Yes, it is true that success can be achievable if you don't give up and that having someone in your life who fulfills you would carry much more weight than that number. Maybe I'll look back on this post and laugh when I'm older. I do hope he'll still accept me for the person he's fallen in love with.

The difference is, your girlfriend told you within the first week of dating. She was completely upfront about it. She didn't tell you after you popped the question.... Would it matter to you then if she told you much later? (or maybe you would've found out anyway somehow since she isn't going to high school everyday..?).