I think my wife had an affair with one of my friends..

[hollowjester]

Hello there.

As the topic of the message states, I think my wife had an affair with a friend of mine. I believe that it has stopped, but I'm growing more and more certain that it did happen in the past. I'll give a little background:

It all started about three years ago before we were even engaged. At the time, my friend, my wife (girlfriend at the time) would hang out all the time, almost every weekend in fact, with our group of friends. I started to pick up signals back then about him being attracted to her. He'd always go out of his way to compliment her and do whatever he could to help her with anything (carrying things, cleaning up, opening doors, etc.) if I couldn't. I'm aware that this is just gentlemanly behaviour, but he never did this for any of the other women in our social circle. It would bother me, but I suppressed it at the time because I didn't want to come off as being unreasonably jealous. Soon after that, she ended up getting a job downtown, rather close to my friends office. It came up in conversation once that they should do lunch or something, but it didn't seem like a serious proposal at the time, more like an innocent joke. Feeling a little unsure of myself afterward, I asked my wife if she would actually have lunch with him and she laughed and said "no," like the idea was preposterous. I trusted her and forgot about it.

A few months later, our sex life dried up, right out of the blue. We just stopped having sex, and whenever I wanted to be intimate, she was tired, had a headache, wasn't in the mood, etc. It went on for a few months until I asked her what was going on, if she still loved me, or if we were falling back into a friendship. She burst out into tears almost immediately, said that it was all her fault because she's been so busy and "distant," and asked me to forgive her. I wanted to ask if there was another man at the very moment, but I didn't have the courage to, and gave her the benefit of the doubt. Our sex life returned to normal for a few weeks, but the slowly faded again. In fact, it's never been the same. It's the same short routine every time, and whenever I propose doing something new or try to do something new, she refuses/pushes my hand away.

Seeing as how I loved her, regardless, I proposed, and we got engaged. After that happened I saw a lot less of my friend, and when we moved into our house, his attitude toward me became erratic. Sometimes he'd want to come over and hang out, and sometimes he'd be disinterested and borderline insulting.

We got married a year ago, and he was invited to the wedding. I've known him for a long time and know that he loves getting up on the dance floor and having a good time, yet at our wedding he sat at a dinner table the entire time and looked miserable. After the wedding was over, my wife seemed pretty pre-occupied with whether or not he enjoyed himself, asking me if he had a good time or if he said anything about the wedding several times over the following week (we had a delayed honeymoon). Furthermore, when we finally got our wedding pictures posted on our photographer's website, I sent all my friends the link and he said that my wife "looked beautiful, but I'm tired of looking at your ugly mug ."

We barely saw each other or spoke to each other after that, but a few months after getting married I had to go on a business retreat. After getting back my wife was very distant, claiming that she barely slept all weekend and was tired, and then very next morning my friend messaged me online right away and asked how my retreat was. Funny thing is, I don't recall ever telling him I was going.

I hadn't seen him for almost a year after that, until just recently when another friend invited us to a dinner party. My wife and I showed up and discovered when we arrived that he was there, and there was a very awkward tension between them. He outright ignored us for about 20 minutes and then finally said "hi" in a very forced way to my wife, ignoring me almost altogether. The whole thing struck me as an interaction between two people that never planned to see each other again, but were forced to deal with doing so in the company of friends for one evening.

Ever since that night a few weeks ago, my suspicions have been returning and driving me crazy again. Our sex life is still very pathetic, and she always seems uninterested and wants to get it over with, despite us having a ton of fun and doing really creative things before all of this started, and my friend still avoids me.

The thing is, I have no idea if I'm just being paranoid and reading into things too much or if this actually happened. I have no proof, just instinct and suspicions, and I have no idea what to do about it. Because I have no proof to leverage myself, confronting my wife would likely just lead to massive fight in which I come out looking like the bad guy.

Has anyone else been in a situation like this? Could you offer advice? Also, sorry for divulging my entire life story. It's probably a horribly boring read.

[Disillusioned]

What's so tried and true about women's intuition? Men can catch vibes too. You're right to be thinking you might be paranoid. Critical thinking is an asset but critical thinking requires that you don't victimise yourself either. It sounds like you're (understandably) having trouble thinking wth a clear head about this. When there's so much at stake you really want to be correct if you make accusations. Sounds like she gives you excuses before you even ask for an explanation. From the way you described your freind the word I would use is bitter. If you didn't do something terrible to him or ditch him or treat him poorly in the past, he either wants the woman you're with or has already been with her. He might be bitter at himself for stabbing his freind in the back and know that even if he comes clean he's likely dissolved the freindship. It sounds like he's trying to avoid you. That suggests a fear of reprisal. I'd definitely say he feels guilty about something and I'd go further and say he doesn't deal with guilt well. He might be playing himself the victim. As for your special lady, sudden changes in the usual patterns of intimacy and routine can make your brain think things your feelings aren't prepared to admit. Sometimes you protect yourself from your own emotions. This can also backfire. I'm a pessimist, so I'm unable to give you an objective opinion (who really can?), but I for one feel you aren't paranoid and would suggest burying your passion, all of it, then confront her about it when she isn't ready. Catch her off guard and remember to keep your passion buried. You want clues to validate your hunch.
If your suspicions are true and you and the missus can work this out you're a much bigger man than me.

If the passion comes out, raised voice or anything, I suggest leaving the room because you'll lose control of the conversation and either get into a big screaming match or she may placate you with exactly what you want to hear. The important thing to remember is that the one with the cool head is in control and if you don't want to be lied to anymore, you need to take control. Keep a cool head, everything depends on it.

[Bumble_bee]

It could well be your minds way of trying to explain the distance between you both. It could well be that you are wrong, but if you are, the question still remains... What is going on that has put this distance between you both?

A good heart to heart is in order, but in order to get answers, there should be no agressive or demanding behaviour on your part, let her do all the talking, firmly but calmy ask that she take the time out to discuss your marriage, without distraction or excuses.

[davidtorres]

You should ask the guy if something happened and then ask your wife what really happened. The answers are there. You know the answers already but I think you are scared to hear the truth.

[lilac]

This is a very serious situation, I don`t know much about being married because I never been in one, but I can tell you right now, the only way to make things work for anything from boyfriend-girlfriend to husband and wife is honesty and a lot of conversation. Tell her how you feel, ask her to re-asure you that nothing happen between her and your friend, if she can`t do that then you got your answer. I know that this might cause a big fight, but would you rather to have this doubt forever...

[IndiReloaded]

Ask your wife outright if anything ever happened b/t them.

If the answer is no, then you should just take the high road. Lots of men married to beautiful women have to tolerate 'admirers'. Your buddy is definitely that. You could take it as a compliment.

If the answer is yes, I'll let the men here advise you.

[Junket]

You're married.

Ask her straight up.

Don't beat around the bush because you want to catch her off guard.

[bluesummer]

I agree with Fras and Indi. Just be straight up and ask her. Ask your friend as well. If he bears you this much animosity, he'll probably have no problem admitting it when confronted.

She'll probably say no. However, guilt has a way of making things bubble back up to the surface, especially if she knows you suspect it........in my experience.

[Gigabitch]

That sucks. I can only imagine how sick this must make you feel. Best to get it resolved.

What is the standard in your relationship with regard to honesty? Some married couples keep lots of secrets from one another, some none. What do you do?

[Tug]

I didnt take the time to read the entire original post but if you know for a fact she cheated on you that's definitely a deal breaker. Trust is the foundation of every relationship without you have nothing.

[hollowjester]

Thanks for all the advice. Work has kept me very busy the past few days, so I only got a chance to check this thread again this morning.

I'm going to confront her about my suspicions, and like many in this thread suggested, I'll be sure to catch her off guard with the questions and remain as calm as possible. Here's hoping that it was all just in my head, and that we can just put this all behind us. If not, I'm sure I'll be back.

Thanks again, everyone.

[chickprincess]

I think this is a very serious situation since it's between married couples. I think the most basic thing to do is TALK. It's always best to talk about thing before starting or ending a new relationship. Couples have to compromise on things so they won't have misunderstandings.

[Disillusioned]

If she reacts defensively, like getting mad at you for not trusting her, that sends up a red flag. Ask her kindly not to change the subject or insult your intelligence. If she plays the victim, she's trying to redirect the conversation which means she's hiding something. She can be offended as she wants, it doesn't answer the question.