Wife/Foreign Country VS Ex Girlfriend/Home Country (HELP!)

[Fidelio]

Hi there,

I'm new here, but certainly not new to the problems love brings along with its joys. Here's my dilemma:

I married a lovely girl in another country and left my country, home, and family behind to be with her and her daughter (who is now 13 and VERY opinionated). I married my wife a few years ago and have lived with her and her daughter for about 6 years. I always said I didn't want to live here forever and my wife agreed that we'd all move back to my country in about 5 or so years... however now she is saying she might not want to (I agree- it's a big move)... but I can't live here forever, and I don't want to. Obviously her daughter graduates in 5 years and if she doesnt want to move with us, my wife probably wouldn't want to leave her daughter here in their country (fair enough though... I wouldnt expect her to). Recently, I went back to my home country for a visit and met up with my ex (whom still loves me and we are very close). Nothing happened really, but there was definitely some sparks still there and she told me she wants me back, basically. My wife and I have some problems.. we fight somewhat often and she is about 12 years older than me, and her daughter and I constantly disagree on everything almost. My ex and I are closer in age. On my way back to my current residence country where I live now, all I could think about was how much fun me and my ex had having coffee and lunch and how much I miss her. I guess right now, all I keep thinking about is if I should just throw in the towel on my marriage and head back over to my home country where my family is, and my ex, and maybe try and rekindle things with her. This is obviously a huge step I would not take lightly. I love my family here but right now it just doesnt look very good considering she may not even want to move back to my home country in 5 years. My ex and I are close, and we always got along great and never argued etc. I'd love to hear your opinion on this matter and whatever other thoughts you might have. Please, humor me. Thanks...

-Fidelio

[aznprincess]

Oh gosh, do not do this to your wife... first, you should be honest with her and let her know that you really cannot live in that country and if she wouldnt move with you, youre going to move alone. It seems like you have lost your love for her... choose one, things will be better.

[tooxshort]

What was the point of getting married if you are unable to uphold your vows? Was your marriage something that you jumped into relatively quickly?

What were the circumstances of your breakup with the ex? Because there is usually a reason for breaking up (unless it was just to get married).

I think you're more homesick than anything and if you and your wife don't find some sort of compromise, you're going to end up moving back home anyway. However, I wouldn't consider going back home because of an ex ... You didn't marry her before, so perhaps it is unlikely you'd marry her now.

In any case, a long, deep conversation is much needed between you and your wife. And you have to let her know how badly the living situation is bothering you. If you're not willing to stay and she's not willing to move, then perhaps it IS best that you part ways.

[SAVANAH]

This is tough, what I don't understand is how your wife couldve made this promise to you knowing where her daughter would be in life 5 years down the line....
I can't help but think your wife never had the intention of moving with you and was probably hoping you would change your mind.... you will never be happy staying there and it's wrong and won't be fair to base your decision on your ex.... toox is right if it didn't work before it won't work now....
Speak to your wife and get some answers put your foot down, what's wrong with her daughter moving home with you 2?

She's only 12 and should listen to whatever choice you (her parents) made, and her mother should speak to her daughter about how she treats you and it might be coming from watching how her mother treats you...

If you not happy then fix this, for once live your life for yourself but think this through before taking any huge steps, Good Luck

[Fidelio]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. I will take them on board and think about my options. aznprincess, I've not really lost my love for her, but I also know love isn't always enough.. and life here is pretty difficult without my family (siblings, parents, friends) from back home, and things have been a bit on edge for a long time now (we argue a lot and her daughter and I don't get along very well sometimes). So yeah, it's a bit tough. I would hate to "abandon" them though, and all of us start over again. Wife has suggested I go back home because I "seem so unhappy"... but I'm not exactly a quitter, but I also have missed my ex for a very long time too. How do I forget about her? My wife knows I still miss her in my own way and she accepts this because she knows she was important to me. I know it sounds a bit weird. I'm just a sensitive guy and it's not easy for me to let go of the past I guess.

Toox, this situation about vows is not exactly black and white considering so much has changed since I got married and we were kind of forced to get married in order for me to live in her country (though we wanted to be together).. there was never anything very traditional about the marriage I suppose.. but we do believe in our vows and try to live by them. We meant them at the time and still do, but things do change sometimes.. and yes, we did have to get married within a certain time of me moving here or they would have kicked me out.

Circumstances with the ex... we were very close but we had some problems and I met my now wife whom just captivated me I guess.... but I've always carried a candle for my ex. She was quite special. Thank you for your thoughts and ideas... and I think you're right about being very homesick. I am. My wife understands this too and sympathizes... but if they cant come with me in 5 years time, then we are all wasting time being together right? A big issue is and remains that I still love my ex (she was my first love) and if I never get back with her, will I regret it for the rest of my life? I struggle with this a lot... even though my wife is amazing too. I hate sounding like a jerk. I know I do. I've just been cursed with meeting two very amazing women in my life.

SAVANAH, well my step daughter is 13 now, but in 5 years she'll be 18, but still, if she decides to stay in her home country for university and me and her mum move to my home country, this causes a big problem.. as my wife wouldnt want to leave her here if she goes to college here etc. The question is will my step daughter want to move with us? It's very tricky you see. It's all of us or no move at all.... then that leaves me very unhappy to be away from home still. I know I cant leave just to go back to my ex... I wouldnt want that burden anyway.. but she would be a big plus if I decided to go back, and if we wanted to get back together. You are right though... I do need to live my life for myself, but I am a selfless person generally.. and I hate hurting others.

We really didn't think this far ahead when we got married 6 years ago... but that's love for you.

[tooxshort]

Man, it sucks that you invested 6 years and you guys have ended up with different wants/needs. Is your heart still in the marriage? And is moving back to your own country a dealbreaker for you?

[IndiReloaded]

Your EX is your ex for a reason. Leave the past to the past.

What do marriage vows actually mean to you? Anything at all?

Go read the Sticky about Stages of Marriage. Stop quitting when the going gets rough. Learn the value of commitment, man.

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/love-advice-forum/28296-stages-marriage-long-term-relationship.html[/url]

[Fidelio]

Its not about commitment. It's about the rest of everyone's lives involved and about being fair to myself and everyone else. Things change, that's the reality of life.