Girl refuses to tell me what went wrong

[jrharvey]

Ok so I dated a girl for 2 years and we were really good for each other so I thought and she always talked about how she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me so I think she liked me too Anyways, she broke up with me about a week ago and it was hard at first but Ive accepted it and trying to move on. I realized that while I'm not looking for another relationship right now, I wouldn't mind dating a bit so I called my EX and tried asking her what went wrong and why she "fell out of love" with me. I explained to her that I'm not trying to beg for her back and I just want to learn from our 2 years so I don't make the same mistake twice but she refuses to tell me. I also told her to be brutaly honest and not hold anything back (I smell, Im ugly, Im not caring enough, too needy etc etc....). I mean she says she doesn't know what went wrong and it came out of nowhere. She says there is nothing wrong with me. Obviously I know she is lying. I feel like I deserve this info, right? I mean if I cannot learn from my mistakes then the entire 2 years was a complete waste and i regret ever giving her a chance in the first place. Is it wrong of me to ask her this?

[Nyx]

Maybe she's telling the truth and she doesn't know why. Maybe it's the little things that you accept at first but start to bug you after all that time.

[Gigabitch]

Maybe it was how insistent you are.

[jrharvey]

Its not like im really pushing it, I just know that people don't fall out of love for no reason. I have many friends who go through this all the time. Alot of my friends are girls and they always try to say this crap to their BF but talk about them with their friends so badly. If they guy knew what she was saying he may try to NOT DO IT in the future. In fact I talked to a girl the other day that was talking about how her ex was bad in bed so she broke up with him. She never told him that so the poor guy may have no idea because she always told him that he was the best ever. I would hate if that was me. It makes sense I think and its only fair to tell someone. I would tell her straight up if she asked. No need to sugar coat things.

[flora]

ugh, I've been on the receiving end of this question before. Once I refused to answer, and once I was "brutally honest". The guy I was "brutally honest" with, on his request, bad mouthed me to mutual friends, no longer speaks to me at all, and glares at me from across rooms when we run into eachother in public. Ironcially, one of the thing I was honest about was the fact that he has anger issues....ha!

The other one, who I refused to answer remains friendly. I learned my lesson with this, maybe she has too?

[jrharvey]

Its just so hypocritical. Ive been dumped twice and both girls just up and leave without a trace and try to keep talk and contact to a bare minimum. HOWEVER, every girl that I have broken up with always wonders what happened so I tell them. Honesty is key even if its not what you want to hear. It will help you in the future. Maybe its something I didnt even realize I was doing. I would never act like this if it was just a 1 month or 2 month relationship but 2 years is a loooong time.

[girl68]

I agree you should at least have some sort of indication BUT if she already answered you and won't tell you... that's it. That's your closure.

Whatever she had for you she lost. The only thing you can do in the future is ask that your future gf open up to you when things aren't going well.

[Disillusioned]

she says she doesn't know what went wrong and it came out of nowhere. She says there is nothing wrong with me. Obviously I know she is lying.

There's always something "wrong" with someone if you look hard enough but I don't know if you can assert that she's lying. If she lost interest, which it seems like she already told you in a manner of speaking, you'd still ask why and get the same answer. Just accept it as boredom, a loss of chemistry, the relationship "wore out" and became monotanous and lost it's edge, spark or whatever the hell you want to call it. It's not your fault, so to speak, it's her being honest with herself. Maybe you're a blonde and she likes men with dark hair. Maybe she doesn't feel you've got enough, or have too much, in common and she doesn't want to spend another two years in limbo about it.

I feel like I deserve this info, right?

You're setting yourself up for disappointment. Whether you feel you deserve it or not is irrelevant. What if she's already told you and you found the asnwer too vague but its the best one she can give you?

I mean if I cannot learn from my mistakes then...

who says you made a mistake?

...then the entire 2 years was a complete waste and i regret ever giving her a chance in the first place.

Good times aren't a waste, even if all you have now are the memories. Bad times are bound to happen. You've learned plenty of lessons along the way. You had companionship for the last two years. Even if you don't learn anything from the breakup you definitely didn't waste the last two years.

Is it wrong of me to ask her this?

I wouldn't say it's wrong so much as kicking a dead horse. You may alienate her. Don't forget she might be having a tough time with it too. The attachement is still there after a few years even if you hated each other's guts. You're used to each other, if not in love.

[NeoSeminole]

if a girl ever denied me the opportunity to learn from my mistakes and grow as a person so that my future relationships may benefit as a result, I would tell her to f*ck off.

[jrharvey]

HA Neo, Finally someone who understands. Thank you. Us guys arent all jerks, sometimes we just dont know better

[FightorFlight]

So would I, actually (tell them to f*** off, I mean, ha ha). And I'm not a guy. I just hate people who can't be honest about things. And if it were me, I would have explained what went wrong. I'm sick of people telling me things are "wrong" with me and then refusing to tell me what they are. (Usually they really have nothing to say at all and are simply using that as a weapon against me, but that's beside the point.)

But maybe it really isn't that at all. Maybe she actually DOESN'T KNOW what went wrong. She could've just gotten bored with you or something. I suppose she could tell you you're a boring person, but that wouldn't be helpful at all, because chances are you're NOT a boring person to anybody else. It's just that she's been dating you for way too long and has decided you're not the one for her.

It's just a possibility. She could be lying to you, too. Girls do a lot of that crap. And even if what I stated above is the case, it sure would do you a lot of good if she would just explain it to you. But since you may never get it out of her, just move on to another girl already. Maybe the next girl will be willing to explain it to you, or maybe the thing that bothered your ex will actually be appealing to somebody else. Plus, once you get a new gf, your ex MIGHT be more inclined to tell you the truth, simply because your whole self image won't be crushed over it.

I'll clarify that I've never had a boyfriend. But I have had plenty of drama, drama, drama amongst my friends, and I do have a general idea of the way girls think. So I've seen it a million times.

Oh, and jr. harvey, what you said about girls telling this "crap" to their boyfriend and then talking badly about them behind their back...yup, that's true. We do a lot of that too (girls in general, I mean). Chances are they're both true, but it's just a different way of addressing the issue with two different people. With friends, they want to add an extra flavor to make it interesting so all of their friends will back them up and go, "Oh, yeah, yeah. What a jerk! So glad you broke up with him!" But they don't want to be mean to their boyfriend because they know he doesn't really deserve it. Yeah, girls can be sort of crazy sometimes...you just have to get used to that. Guys have their problems, too. We all do.

[jrharvey]

OMG she finally told me what was wrong. So it was all my sex drive I guess. She was just more of a once a month kinda girl and I was more of a 3 times a week kinda guy. We clashed I guess. She wasnt very passionate and it bothered me but I always made sure to let her know that I was OK with it but she felt that I was always frustrated and wanted more. She said she got tired of feeling OBLIGATED. Funny because I never once pushed her to do ANYTHING. Oh well, thats not too bad. I truly was very understanding of the situation but she could see that deep inside of me I was not satisfied I guess so she let me go.

[CocoChanel]

Oh so she couldn't hang.