Letting Her Go

[dpope]

"Do you know what it feels like to wake up every morning...feeling hopeless, feeling like the love of your life is waking up with the wrong man? But at the same time, hoping that she still finds happiness, even if it's never going to be with you?" - From the movie "Hitch"

So, there is a woman in my life who is indescribably precious to me. After my best friend passed away (almost two years ago now), my relationship with her began. It was seemingly picturesque. Here I was, with a stunningly beautiful woman, who loved life in a way that I had never seen before--someone that continually inspired me to become a better man.

I had hoped to propose to her within the year, but soon realized that my friend's passing had left an impact on me that needed to be addressed. Whatever this "issue" was that was affecting me, it kept me from being able to love her, and life, as deeply as I knew that I could.

So after a number of heartfelt conversations with her, I decided to take this year to move away and "find my feet". However, I'm afraid that in this time apart, I'm losing her heart. An old friend of hers (who has strong ties with her family also) has reintroduced himself into her life and seems to be trying to rekindle the interest between them.

It seems unfair of me to fight for her heart, as I'm not ready to be in a relationship (not for lack of desire, but a feeling of responsibility to offer nothing but love in it's fullest sense). But at the same time, it absolutely breaks my heart to think of her with another man.

Any thoughts? Advice?

[IndiReloaded]

Yes. You are grieving for your friend. If she really cared, she would support you (even with space). Love isn't always about together. Its also about space.

Its possible you have been using this gal almost like a rebound, except to help with the pain of losing your friend (instead of a breakup). Now that you have had time for some processing of your terrible loss, you are starting to question things about your life and relationship. Its pretty normal.

Talk to your GF about all this and get her thoughts. Don't just give up without some discussion with her. The other fellow doesn't really factor into this much, IMO. He could be interested in her, or not, but that doesn't tell you anything about what she thinks and feels.

Take care hun.

[dpope]

Thank you for the kind words Indi.

I understand what you're saying--I assure you that she was far from a rebound. Yes, the closeness and companionship she provided was appreciated and needed--but there was much more than that.

We have very openly discussed all of this, and she has expressed a desire to be with me once I find that "missing piece"--but at the same time, naturally (and rightfully so), she won't be waiting around forever.

I'm afraid that with such a vague timeline on my situation, she might start doubting any future with me--giving into this past interest who is pursuing her. Leading back to my original dilemma:

"It seems unfair of me to fight for her heart, as I'm not ready to be in a relationship (not for lack of desire, but a feeling of responsibility to offer nothing but love in it's fullest sense). But at the same time, it absolutely breaks my heart to think of her with another man."

[IndiReloaded]

If she is that precious to you, you'd be a fool to let your relationship go.

Feelings change. That is a constant in life you can depend on. If you know you are good together and compatible, then hold to that while you sort out your other issues. Married folk deal with loss (of parents, friends, sometimes a child) with this same numbness of feeling and they survive.

Now, how old are you? You do tend to lean to the overly romantic, esp w/that Hitch quote. Setting yourself up for tragic drama.

Trust me, as you get older, drama loses its attraction. Stable and comforting has its attraction. If you have that with this gal, you have found a goldmine. Foolish to lose it. Still, people have given up on decent relationships for much less. Up to you, but I think your focus should be long term. You won't feel depressed forever.

[azharmaulavi]

you wrote a wonderful thought above so y is it that u can't imagine that man to be u y has that person alwaws need to be someone else..........answer me....bro.......

[dpope]

you wrote a wonderful thought above so y is it that u can't imagine that man to be u y has that person alwaws need to be someone else..........answer me....bro.......

I have always hoped that person would be me--but like I said, at least for now, I'm not sure that it can be. That's what I'm hoping to solve over this time away.

Any other thoughts?

[alter_ego]

If I were you I would e-mail her a link to this thread.
What you say here says it all. I would want to read this if I were her.

[ellie]

If I were you I would e-mail her a link to this thread.
What you say here says it all. I would want to read this if I were her.

Agree.

But you have to ask yourself what you really want. Are you ready to start something now or not?

You can't put her "on hold", you have to know yourself what you want before involving her again.

Even though she says she is willing to wait you said yourself she won't wait forever.

You said "It seems unfair of me to fight for her heart, as I'm not ready to be in a relationship". How are you going to fight for her heart if you are not ready to be in a relationship? Either you are ready and you fight, or you're not ready and you sort out your issues and contact her when you are ready.

It's not fair nor possible to fight for her heart as long as you are not ready,
so until that day comes, maybe you have to just accept the fact that while she's waiting for you, she may meet another man. That's just they way it is, and there is nothing really you can do about it.

[dpope]

Thanks ellie. I needed to hear that.

[ellie]

No probs =) I am sort of in the same place as you, except I'm the girl waiting for someone to "be ready".

Hope it works out for you pal!

[Feonixbrimstone]

Love and life are unfair to someone in some way. whether its fair or not is a moot point. If you should lose her will you be happy if she is? HONESTLY? or would you be happier if you two could try to be happy together? Follow what would make you happy.

"Love is never fair nor is life."

[dpope]

Feon,

I completely agree. Life and love are not about fairness.

And you're right--if she does find happiness with another man, I, naturally, doubt that I would feel as happy as if she ended up with me again.

However, this whole situation stems from the fact that I'm choosing not to pursue what would make me happy, or comfortable. Making the choice to separate myself from her temporarily, knowing it's the only way I have a chance of providing her the kind of love and life she deserves to have. Rushing in now, with unresolved personal issues in my own life, would only lessen things.

It's just a matter of realizing the reality of the situation (that she may find someone else in the meantime), and being strong enough to stick to the path I know is right. It's definitely going to be a struggle though..

[Carmen]

Its hard for me to understand why a man is unable to have the love of his life while at the same time resolving his personal issues. How is it that you can only do one at a time? unless the issue is that you're not sure if she is the one for you or you want to be single and meet other people. You will always have personal issues. Maybe the ones you are working on right now will go away but then new ones will come up. I say if you love this woman and she loves you too, why risk losing her? She may wait for a while but soon enough she'll find someone who is happy to give her the love and company she needs, by then, the love she has for you may be gone for ever. It's okay to take a month or two to evaluate and figure things out, but if it's more than that just end it and let her move on with her life.

[dpope]

On a minor, but somewhat uncomfortable note, I found out tonight that she just invited a man to come rent the other bedroom of her house. Yes, ultimately, probably innocent--but somewhat ironic when discussing the fear of another man coming into her life.

We'll see what happens.