Very unhappy

[Gigabitch]

I do think seperation can be a gift at times.

Do you think the kids would see it that way?

[jasminetea]

Do you think the kids would see it that way?

It seems pretty tough, doesn't it?

Maybe, maybe not. I feel it depends very much on how its handled by both parents.

Even though children go through divorces every day and remain healthy, even when its acrimonious, I'm not talking about divorce here. I'm advocating a separation.

Edit: That sounded pompous hopefully its not so much now.

[girl68]

Maybe, maybe not. I feel it depends very much on how its handled by both parents.

Even though children go through divorces every day and remain healthy, even when its acrimonious.

HA! I've said this all along.

[jasminetea]

Nevertheless, it doesn't necessarily make divorce the right option.

[MVPlaya]

Thank you all.I am still trying to see if there is any hint I can get her to even talk about this but to no avail. If she loves me how can she just stand by and throw away 13 years of marriage, when I haven't even done anyting wrong?!?!

She has accused me of selfishness this afternoon, putting my needs over and above those of my children.....

If i had the merest hint that we may be able to work something out, I would stay. But it seems not.... and it feels like things will never be the same for me again.

You both have different perspectives:

You think she is selfish for not being willing to have sex with you to save the marriage.

She thinks you are selfish for willing to throw away the marriage so that you can have sex.

As a result, your perspective of the marriage is cheapened because she clearly doesn't love you enough to have sex with you or discuss her feelings. And her perspective of the marriage is cheapened because you care more for sex than her marriage. As a result, you are both blaming the break-up on the other, seeing yourself as the victimized person, and through a series of mental gymnastics, pretending that each step of the break up is the other's choice and not yours.

You rationalize this move towards separation by saying it was her decision, you gave her an option. And she rationalizes the move towards separation by saying its your decision, you forced the ultimatum that didn't previously exist.


Analyzing your marriage from these personal perspectives won't help you bridge any gaps, and by setting up the ultimatum of: divorce, infidelity, or sex you have probably insulted your wife and made her even more stubborn in the process. Ultimatums are rarely ever a good idea unless you are genuinely willing to lose the person, so I have to ask you: are you?


If it comes down to it, sex or your marriage, are you willing to pick sex? I ask this because apparently you have been wedded for over two decades so I assume there is something of value to your marriage beyond sex.


There are two ways to approach a situation like this, one is to let her know that you care about her and that your relationship comes first, and that it pains you that she is not interested in sex and will not open up to you about it.

Then you'd have to understand that it is not irrationality that is the reason she won't talk to you, but her Catholic sense of guilt, and that it is something she has to overcome to discuss a situation that she finds embarrassing, even if it is with her own husband. Batting heads with her harder won't help open her up, it will just get her to bunker down more. Of course, you are a bit past this situation with your ultimatum and have lost some serious bargaining power in the process.


I think a lot of advice on this thread is given as if you're dating a woman, when in fact you have been wedded for a long time and have several children. I hate to say this to you, but you lose some choices when you marry someone, you make sacrifices, and you suck some things up, and thats part of what it takes for a marriage to last. In the end, a marriage still needs to be healthy to survive, but health is a different thing to different couples, and its unfortunate that you didn't see this "difference of point of view" until this late.

At the end of the day: you have the right to start over, I just hope you are making this decision in earnest and not because you lost an ultimatum and feel trapped by your words.

[MVPlaya]

Do you think the kids would see it that way?

I did. God my parents were a mess. I was 9 when they divorced.

Edit:

Thats not accurate. At the time, I was hurt and really wished they got back together. But in hindsight, that was a terrible marriage with no chance of surviving and was only hurting us in the process. Sometimes losing and grieving is the right thing, even if you can't see it at the time.

[boobaa]

What good has religion brought?
And don't give me that Mother theresa shit, I am talking about God.

[bluesummer]

I feel awful for you, Stuart, what a horrible trap your wife has got you in. I know you love her, but she sounds just awful to me....how could you so deeply hurt someone you supposedly 'love'? You can't divorce her (and she plays your kids against you!), she won't sleep with you, and refuses to talk about it with you. What kind of a marriage do you really have?

I would consider talking to a different priest, this one obviously got his training in catholicism straight from the medieval guidebooks. I'm FORMERLY Roman Catholic, and our priest didn't have the uptight POV this one has. Work harder on this, continue talking to your wife and trying to get her to open up. Sure, she'll get upset at you but she's never going to divorce you so you may as well pester her until she finally cracks.

If this never happens, Stuart.......I have to say I agree with finding a mistress. I'm one of the last people to advocate such a thing, having been through a divorce already with a cheating spouse. However, what your wife is doing is called psychological abuse. You don't have to be trapped in this misery she's forced you into.

I honestly feel for you, this sounds horrible.