Assigned Roles...

[Aeradalia]

Area, I'm wondering if anyone could honestly say that they're always felt comfortable, accepted and loved and that they gladly embraced and understood their assigned role in life.

Nobody I've ever heard of.

Let's take for example the cohesion of a group of friends. In real life, I am very aloof, do not like to be touched, and though I may make a few jokes here and there... I do not talk very much (contrary to the lengthy posts I've made here).

As a natural result, there is no real closeness between friends I make. They may confide in me, as I'm a good listener and I can be objective and honest about whatever perceived problems they fret over. Yet I refrain from talking about myself... perhaps from fear of rejection, appearing too vulnerable... who knows?

These same friends have their own 'other groups' in which I see they do share equally between each other... and there is trust and a form of acceptance I may never really experience.

A similar form of cohesion can be sensed in a forum such as this, into which I sense I barely fit... if at all.

I generally linger on the fringes of courteous social tolerance... and the few times in my life I have bothered to achieve anything closer has been met with violence, mental manipulation, or flat out rejection.

People may not always feel comfortable, accepted and loved and gladly embrace and understand their assigned role in life... but periodically they do feel this in the company of certain friends and family members. They feel warmth from those who know them and some level of assurance that this is where they belong - quirks, flaws, and all.

I've rarely felt such things... just the impending sense that everything is subject to change... that time is limited and fleeting.

However, I am grateful for the few true friends I have had in the past... just saddened that circumstances do not always work in my favor.

[Mish]

A similar form of cohesion can be sensed in a forum such as this, into which I sense I barely fit... if at all.

I don't share your perspective on this. I think you fit into this forum really well. Much better than many others.

Have you ever asked yourself that sometimes you might see problems where there are none?

[Aeradalia]

I don't share your perspective on this. I think you fit into this forum really well. Much better than many others.

Have you ever asked yourself that sometimes you might see problems where there are none?

Is that a trick question?

My mom had Münchhausen... it's more than possible that I do see problems where there are none.

She was also prone to causing unbelievable problems that just built into full scale disasters. She'd have mood swings at the drop of a hat, seemed to enjoy embarrassing the hell out of me in public, and made a habit out of dumping her problems on me. Why the hell I ever felt loyalty, love, and obligation toward her... I'll never know.

There was a discussion/argument that my boyfriend and I had. He had more or less called me out on my behavior -- particularly something I was only slightly aware of. Basically he summed up more along the lines of him saying that there isn't much hope for a relationship if you're already making plans for its end. Why bother wasting time then? If you're that time-conscientious... bypass the relationship completely. I was doing what I've always done --- plan for the worst. Not only plan for it... but expect it... dread it.

The desire to avoid pain is very difficult to overpower. For most of my life, the calm was just a prelude to a storm... and as irrational as it is... I feel safer knowing where the 'exits' are... and having a plan for 'worse case scenarios.'

[Mish]

The desire to avoid pain is very difficult to overpower. For most of my life, the calm was just a prelude to a storm... and as irrational as it is... I feel safer knowing where the 'exits' are... and having a plan for 'worse case scenarios.'

It seems like by trying to avoid pain in this way you may ironically be creating more pain for yourself. You may be short changing yourself in this way more than you would if you let the cards fall where they may. Maybe accepting the circumstances as they come (for better or worse) and trusting yourself that you will successfully deal with them is your next stage of development?

[Aeradalia]

It seems like by trying to avoid pain in this way you may ironically be creating more pain for yourself. You may be short changing yourself in this way more than you would if you let the cards fall where they may. Maybe accepting the circumstances as they come (for better or worse) and trusting yourself that you will successfully deal with them is your next stage of development?

I wouldn't doubt it... and have tried very hard to avoid the 'self-fulfilling prophecy' dilemma... but emotions are not swayed so easily by logic. There is an emotion-based incentive that needs to be understood and addressed, then changed if possible.

The only working theory I have is that 'planning' for the worst offers a sense of control to a seemingly uncontrollable situation. If this is plausible/possible, then I wouldn't know how to go about changing this into something more healthy.

With my boyfriend, it required time and trust... and for the most part, lack of options -- I don't want to give him up, so I'm willing to take risks. I rarely feel so strongly about other situations... usually more apt to jump ship should things start to deteriorate, and if I can't, then I prepare as best I can for the inevitable. Easily succumbing to the idea that a situation either wasn't meant to be, or something was never really mine, and thus the whole dilemma was pointless or without value in the end.