I need answers... Please help... Deeply depressed and lethargic...

[Lethargic]

I'll be as brief as possible. I've been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for 9 years (~an hour away). I met her on vacation. I would drive to her house and her to mine and stay for the weekend almost every month. I would drive her to and from school just to stay with me on the weekend. 1.5 hours away... We helped each other grow into better people. (She agrees to this)I was a loser pot smoker and now I am going to school full time (finishing in a year), while working full time, and going to the gym every day. She was a pushover, who had no self esteem, no conviction, didn't think she was pretty, and didn't think she was smart... Now she is the alpha female, and she takes charge and is feeling wonderful about herself.
We were so in love.
She moved down south. The plan was for only 2 years to get experience and move in with me. we had this plan for a long time. My grandfather left his house to me, it was like a dream come true. I was going to be a cop in the area and follow in my family's footsteps. She turned around the other day and said that she needed to take a break. When I asked why she said she wasn't sure if she loves me or if she is just use to me. She said that she feels different toward me now. After speaking to my friends and family and going by my own experience I understand this to be a normal evolution of love. When you love someone it evolves and people need to adapt. It's what everyone has been telling me and I feel the same way.
Contributory Factors:
I feel these things have had a huge impact on what she is thinking.
1) People have said to her that she can do better. And her mother indicated the same thing to her at one point.
2) She comes from a broken family, and her mother was very nurturing yet at the same times the total opposite.
3) She needed to help me get going with school and she feels like she is my mother half the time (honestly though, I thought when you love someone you do whatever it takes for both of you to make it; I would do the same for her)
4) She is an over-achiever and she resents the fact that it took me so long to get my life straight. (I've been doing great for 3 years now)
5) Eventually she started questioning if she loved me for a long time because of people putting thoughts into her head and not knowing how love is supposed to be.
6) Her own professor told her I'm not right for her because she told him that I didn't want her to be a teacher, that she should use her major to do something more than that, and use teaching as a backup. (She is glad she did). Her Professor must have seen me as controlling.
7) She loves the new place she is in now (plane ride away). She is making friends for the first time in her life. She is on her own and enjoying it.
There is probably more... These are all things she has told me and things I've deduced from our talks. When I ask her: Do you trust me? Do I make you happy? Do I make you laugh? Do you know that I would do anything and everything for you? Do you know that I love you? Do you miss me?
She says Yes to everything. But she says some things have changed. Now she wants to stay where she is and not come back up. Her job is a temp position for 2 years, but if she gets asked to stay she wants to. She has only been there for 2 months!!!
I don't get it. I feel like she is a product of her own self conditioning in regards to the doubt, and that what people have been saying finally got to her, combine that with being frustrated with me not being finished with college and being in a career where I'm set. I'm just 26, and she is just 23. We are still young...
She wrote me such beautiful cards months before it came to this, and said such beautiful things to me just 2 weeks ago. Sole-mate, I love who I am because of you, I am so proud of what you are doing now, I can't wait to be in your arms every day. I want to grow old w/ you. I will love you forever.
I just feel as though she doesn't know that what she is feeling is normal. She said to give her until December 1st to assess the situation. I've explained everything to her and how I feel so the rest is up to her. Until then I am extremely depressed, lethargic, devastated, and distraught... I feel like I can't save her from making the biggest mistake in both our lives. I know she loves me, she is just confused. She still calls me once a day, and I'm going to visit her next month. I just feel like she gave me the kiss of death. Even though she still wears my claddagh I gave her 9 years ago and still has my pictures up.
There are only two things I cannot give her. 1) Being with her right now and 2) Having my last step in my career accounted for.
I need help. Please someone help me! Tell me what to do!! Assess my saturation... (((((((((((((( I’ve never cried so much in my life let alone the sheer frequency...

[Bumble_bee]

you have both evolved, thats a good thing, but it means that she (and maybe even you) has reviewed what she wants from life. when you go through this, it is totally normal to also question the now. 9 yrs is a long time, to do LD, that in itself is a sign of the sheer dedication you both have for eachother, but if she needs time its all you can do but to give it to her.

I know you can't walk away, it is why you will have to be strong until she gives you the answers you need, whether to plan the rest of your lives together, or to part ways. You should work on being ok by yourself right now. best wishes

[Sanctuary]

You want answers, I can give them to you but it won't be pretty. I'm a guy btw.

I don't care what you say, you lack the passion/ambition that she's looking for in a guy and it's made her lose most of her feelings for you.

In addition, what usually happens in a normal relationship is that the guy takes care of the girl. Girls want someone who they feel safe around and who will take care of them. Being a mother to her boyfriend is not attractive.

You say you would do the same for her but that argument is moot because you're not a girl and attraction doesn't work the same way for girls and guys.

Do you trust me? Do I make you happy? Do I make you laugh? Do you know that I would do anything and everything for you? Do you know that I love you? Do you miss me?

Even if she says yes to all those, it doesn't mean anything at all. Friends can say the same thing to each other. You need to offer her more than those qualities. Those are things you feel are most important, but it's not necessarily what she feels is most important.

Honestly, if I was her and a better guy came along, I'd break up with you without thinking twice. Cuz the reality of the situation is, she's not happy with you. And yes she has a small chance of being happy with you but she has a much much better chance if she just goes and finds a guy who has those qualities that you're missing.

There's your answers, I told you it was gonna be ugly lol.

[Lethargic]

Hmm... You could be right... Thanks...

[Lethargic]

Honestly though... To break up with someone because he isn't done w/ school yet, is rediculous to me especially when you account for the rest of your life. My parents have been married for 40 years. When my father was working and in school, my mom was in the library doing his homework and shit because it was something that needed to be done. As a couple you're a team. I thought when you loved someone you would want to be with them no matter what... Ugh!

[Gigabitch]

Tired old cliche time:

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was.

Repeat ad nauseum.

[Sanctuary]

I thought when you loved someone you would want to be with them no matter what... Ugh!

To assume that what you want is what she wants is a mistake. For instance, if she gained 150 lbs, lost all her hair and some teeth, would you still be so heartbroken?

Guys with low ambition/passion get real boring real quick for most girls, likewise girls that are fat and ugly get boring for most guys.

[loudrims_inc]

Tired old cliche time:

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was.

Repeat ad nauseum.

...this happened to me a little while back but by that time it was too late

[Amy0x]

I still stick by my saying of that sometimes people can grow apart...

Maybe its for the best you two go separate ways as you both don't want the same things in life.

[Lethargic]

We both want the same things. To be happy, to be loved, to have fun, to laugh, friendship, trust, to be held... (I've asked numerous times) All of those things, she tells me, and she tells me that I give all of those things to her. Now I feel like I'm a backup plan... Love is something that changes over time. It's always changing. She told me that for 8.5 years out of our 9 year relationship she has ALWAYS felt the exact same way about me. Now it has changed. I went though this a long time ago when I went away to college. That I didn't need her as much, that she didn't make me as happy as she used to. Now she feels that for me. I feel that she has just been so sheltered and so dependent, that she is overwhelmed with emotion. She is happy where she is, she likes her job, she has met true friends for the first time... I think she just has lost sight of what is truly important. I ask her, are you ready to let me walk out of your life? And she says no. I'm trying to not talk about US everytime I'm on the phone, but I am so caught up in this emotional rolloercoaster that I feel like I'm floating and I just have to tell her what's going through my head. When I ask her questions like, what can someone else give you that I can't she says "I don't know", when I held her last weekend and asked her would you want someone else to be holding you like this she said no! I ask her what she wants and she said that she doesn't know if she wants me right now, or someone else (there is no one else, she swears by it), or just to be alone. I feel that because she is alone, and for the first time in her life she is okay to be alone/functional, that she should be alone. I know she still loves me! She is coming up next weekend and she wants to speak with my older brother's girlfriend, as well as one of our mutual friends to gain insite. Hopefully it will help her. I just feel she is making a huge mistake. Not because my heart will be broken, because I know I truly make her happy. It's like a caged animal gets to step into the wild. Now she is unsure what she wants... I don't know what to do! However! She told me that by December 1st, she will know what's going on. Should I respect this? I want to propose to her when I go down there in November. I feel that when I am down there (for the first time where she is) that she will know, and understand... Does anyone have any advice?

Let me ask you: If you love someone, can you honestly want to see what else is out there? Not just wonder but do it? Is this a lost cause?

[Lethargic]

After more thought I will give her to December. I don't want her to feel I'm pushing her but it's hard to think clearly when you are so hurt. She said December 1st she will have an answer for me. I think I will fly down there the first week of December and present her with a ring. She can tell me how she feels then. This just feels like a bad dream I cannot wake up from. She tells me that she doesn't know what she wants. Someone else, to be alone, me... I ask her what can someone else give her, and she says she doesn't know. I ask her if she would be happier alone and she said she doesn't know. I ask her would she be happier if I was there with her and she says yes... These are such mixed signals I don't know what to make of it. I need to stop analizing it and be okay with being alone right now. It's just so upsetting that someone can tell you that they aren't sure if they want to be with you (after 9 years), and not even try to work things out... Never even communicate it to you when it was going on in her mind. I hope she realizes that she wants the same thing as me. **** my life...

[Lethargic]

Well I have an update. She came over last weekend. She wanted to speak to some of our neutral friends. Basically what she said had happened is that she was curious what it would be like to date other people, and that since she never did she feels that she needed to, just to make sure I was right for her. All of her arguments with my qualities were almost negligible and most don’t even apply anymore. She said that she realized that. She also explained that she was confused with all the new things going on in her life and how she didn't need to be attached to me at the hip to be happy. She was like a caged animal that was let out into the wild. She also said the people she was talking to for advice were all top tier people, extremely smart, and aren’t “normal”. She told me that they were either just like her, or people who got to where they are today because they step on others, and are very cut-throat, and seemed to have very shallow values. I told her that she needed to choose between being single, and me, and that there can be no in between. It’s all or nothing. And she told me that I make her happy, and why should she need to gamble everything just to satisfy her curiosity. Being curious is normal. It’s just part of life. She told me that she was rationalizing and interpreting her feelings wrong, and she was just so caught up in the new experiences that she wasn’t thinking logically.
In short, we are back together and happy. She admitted that she was distant, didn’t call or text me as often as she wanted to, just to see if she would feel compelled to come back to me. We’ll be getting engaged in December…
Just for the record, I do have passion, ambition, and drive. Look at who I am, not who I was.

[Bumble_bee]

I guess the time away did sort her head out, I am glad for you, all the best!

[IncognitoSir]

A happy ending, finally! Congrats to you dude!

[kai]

Phew! Finally a happy ending