Would You tell a friend her husband is cheating?

**tasha1133** · 29-09-09, 10:40 AM

Knowing the pain of being cheated on myself, and having recently found out that my friends husband is cheating on her (saw him at a bar kissing some woman we didn't know) i am not sure what to do.

Should I be a friend and tell her, (but if so how do i put it to her?) Or do i leave well alone because its none of my business. (I am trying to solve things in my relationship at the moment and I have a lot on my plate, and I am really not sure what to do or how to go about doing things).

**girl68** · 29-09-09, 11:25 AM

If she is a pretty good friend- I'd tell.

I don't think it should matter what you've got on your plate friends are there to support EACH OTHER. You her, and her, you.

**notquitesure** · 29-09-09, 01:53 PM

Yeap, go ahead and tell everything. I did that a few times and at the end of the day is the best option.

**Chazza2k** · 29-09-09, 04:24 PM

Tough decission. If shes a close friend then you probably should, but remember she could shoot the messenger so to speak if she doesn't want to hear it. But eventually she would realise you were being honest with her and looking out for her. The other option is when she eventually does find out somewhere down the road, you would have the knowledge and the guilt that you knew this all along? She would probably want you to explain then why you didn't tell her? And if she confided in you that things were going downhill and you know why that puts you in a terrible position as a friend.

You have done nothing wrong he has with the other women, sounds like you have lots on your plate too and telling her you could feel your wrecking a relationship, I think he's made that choice with the otherwomen in a public bar...

Id approach it like this, "I'm your friend, I'm therefore you and think you deserve to be told the truth, I saw ...." Wont be Easy.

Goodluck.

**Lava_twilight** · 29-09-09, 05:35 PM

I agree with Chazza, x It would kill me if it the shoe was on the other foot and my friend didn't tell me - so although it would be really horrible to break the news - I think it's a womans duty as a friend to do so

x

I too have been the cheated on, and all of my colleagues knew (we worked together) and pretty much all 20 staff members knew before I did....now that sucks :-/ My 'friends' didn't tell me as they didn't want to see me hurt...what was the other option though? Finding out after them & knowing they all knew all along....pah

**Bumble_bee** · 29-09-09, 06:53 PM

I would confront him....get the facts before opening the can of worms....

**Cbrider** · 29-09-09, 07:02 PM

I would have barged right onto the scene in the bar and said hello, thats just me though.

**Gigabitch** · 29-09-09, 11:29 PM

I would have done what Cbrider suggested, but it's too late for that in this case.

Yes, you should definitely tell her. if you're afraid she won't hear it from you or will eventually reconcile with him and resent you for knowing the truth, tell her anonymously, but she needs to know.

If my man was cheating and my friends knew and didn't tell me, they would no longer be my friends. In fact, I would suspect them of fooling around with him too. You see? You HAVE to tell her.

**misombra** · 30-09-09, 01:37 AM

i know it's the right thing to do to tell. but i wouldn't say anything. i would pretend like i didn't see it and never say anything again.

telling her would open up a can of worms and you say you're dealing with your own stuff... this will increase the drama.

but that is just me.

although it will test your friendship and you'll find out if she's really your friend or not...

**Cbrider** · 30-09-09, 02:22 AM

Originally Posted by Gigabitch

If my man was cheating

"I would rip off his arm and beat him to death with the bloody end of it" - Gigabitch

This is what I saw in your post after I read the first 5 words.

**IndiReloaded** · 30-09-09, 02:37 AM

As a rule, you shouldn't get involved in other people's marriages. Shooting the messenger, and all that. Do they have children? If not (yet), this is one of the few times I would advise telling straight away. No point in bringing kids into an already unstable relationship. If they do have kids, then be very careful.

You could perhaps take her out for coffee or lunch and ask her how things are at home. Let her vent. If the situation seems right, and she is the kind of person who would want to know the truth, you could say something like:

"Listen, [Sue], I saw something the other night and I'm not sure I should say anything...". Pause.

Take your cue from that. If she *asks* then use Chaaza's line, as kindly as you can. Don't tell her you saw him cheating, say only what you actually saw & when. Let her have some time to process your news. Offer to help her bury the body later if it seems the right timing.

**ecojeanne** · 30-09-09, 04:58 AM

nope, unless you recorded the kiss on your phone then an absolute NO do not tell. never get involved in other people's business no matter how wrong it may be. you may feel horrified for her but it is up to her to figure it out herself. i personally would have recorded the scene and sent it to her leaving it in her hands to deal with.

**Disillusioned** · 01-10-09, 04:55 AM

There's a huge difference of degree between a kiss and sex and if all you saw was the kiss, that's all you want to tell her, she may very well jump to her own conclusions. I know I couldn't get past it if my SO kissed another guy romantically...as a matter of principal it's a trait I can't abide. I acknowledge that it's tearing off an arm to remove a splinter and feel I'm the one with the problem of jumping to extremes, nonetheless I can't budge on it. I'll always think about it and have to make a constant effort not to hold it against her...I'll relate all our problems to my own (possibly imagined) inadequacies and my self-resentment will just make me a sour person not worth being with anyway.

Keep it factual. Adults have to deal with adult problems, no sense protecting them. I think barging in right at the moment and giving the guy a "you're busted!" smile might have been the best way to encourage him to come clean himself.

I'm also in semi-agreement with ecojeanne and indy as far as staying out of other people's business but empathy suggests I would hate my freinds for witholding such bad news and become bitter and rageful toward them effectively ending any chance of reconcilliation. "Gee, thanks for protecting me. That's another two years down the drain."

**tasha1133** · 01-10-09, 10:29 AM

Thank you for the advice. There are conflicting opinions, both of which have a point. Which is the initial reason; I'm torn between my options in the first place. But I think I’ll ask my friend "hypothetically" what she'd do if she saw a friend's husband cheating on his wife. And let my actions follow, depending on her answer. (if she says she'd rather know, if it was her, then ill tell her; if she says its none of her business she shouldn't get involved then I wont tell.) This is the best compromise I can think of.

Thank you for your replies. Very much appreciated.

**ecojeanne** · 01-10-09, 11:46 AM

just reverse the scenario when you ask her so as to not make it obvious. say it's a guy friend and it's the wife cheating

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