All guys, please help!

[lastwish]

I think he's feeling pressured. Like you said, he's currently unemployed. He might not have the money to marry you and have a family yet. While you on the other hand seems to want that badly. If you really love him and don't want him to leave then stop giving him all that pressure.

[Katherine]

I know. But he can get a very good job with very high salary here in China. I told him I could help him find one but he refused. He said he would not do something just for money. He doesn't like China that much from his last working experience. That's what I don't get. Like Chinese, as long as they can make lots of money, they will still accept the work(here I don't mean the work itself is not good. But maybe the location is not good, too many people, not good air etc). Like me, I am working in Beijing, I have to say this city is pretty shitty, traffic jam every minute, expensive to live, tons of millions people, but the money is good. So you have to compromise. And foreigners here in China can make huge money. I mean really huge. Like those foreigners in my company (British real estate development co.) they have 70 thousand us dollars per month plus 10 thousand dollars' housing allowance. And in Beijing, usually 2thousand bucks can have very good life. Even just be an english teacher can makes lots of money here. But he just doesnt want to come because he hates the large population and dirty air here. Is that normal?

[lastwish]

Ok, now it just sounds like he is making excuses so he can be away from you. If a guy is in love with you, he would do all he can to be near you. I'm sorry, but I think you should forget about him.

[Katherine]

But he asked me to wait for him for two years. He said he didnt know where we will be in two years, china or America, but what he needs to do now is to sell the stuff and house.

But sometimes I also think the same as you. It's just he's very straight forward, you know. And also very honest and always speaks what he thinks. If he doesnt want to be with me, he will just tell me that directly. He's not a tolerant person. He also knows what 2 years mean to me. 29 already, will be 31 in two years. Chinese girls at my age should be mothers of 2 or 3 year old kids. and 98% of chinese men love young girls. I have refused many guys since I knew him. All of those guys were from my family network, means they are very rich and our connection may help two families richer. He knows all of these. I don't think he wants to be away from me. But he is still not sure and he has too many problems of his own. To him, self-pride is just soooo important.

[lastwish]

Well, at least he puts a deadline so you know he has made a plan. But you are putting alot of pressure on him. You probably say the things you're telling me to him all the time, don't you? Since, you love him that much and would not marry anyone else, wait for the 2years. Me, on the other hand, would not tolerate a guy who is so unsure about where our relationship is heading.

[Katherine]

hi, there Last wish. Yes you re right. I did tell him often about those things. But I did so not to push him to get married to me, I wanted him to know how much I love him and what he meant to me. Is it wrong? I guess it's still cultural thing. In China, guys love to hear that to know they are important to you, like how you refuse other guys for him... So you think that will give him pressure? What shall I do now? Would you please give suggestion from a westerner?

Also, he sometimes blames me for not being independent. I always need to turn to someone when I have problem, or I always need to TALK my problem. Is it wrong that I share my feelings with friends or him? He's a very strong-minded man. He needs a strong woman too. But I have to say I'm not that strong cos I've been under my family's over-protection for too long time. That's why he asked me move out and live on my own. I did so and am living on my own, renting my own apartment and working.

So what would you suggest?

[bluesummer]

Mature men aren't generous with the words "I love you". They will wait until they absolutely mean it and can follow up with an actual relationship (of course there are those that will say it just to sleep with you, but they don't fall under the category of 'mature').

If he hasn't said it to you yet, it's probably because the future of your relationship is still so uncertain and he doesn't want to really 'commit' to you just yet.

[chrisy]

You give much consideration to him and are quite willing to please him. How much consideration does he give to you? How willing is he to please you? It appears that you love him but, after more than two years, he has yet to decide if he really loves you or how important you are to him.

If after waiting for two years he decides that he does not want you, what would you do? Don't waste your youth and love on someone who cannot decide if he wants you or not. He had "more than two years" to decide whether he loved you or not - to wait an additional two years for him "to decide" what he wants, is to squander your time and youth. Give someone else a chance to love and appreciate you.

[Katherine]

Thank you Bluesummer. I guess so. We both have so many problems now. He's from a family that gave him shitty childhood and still a burden on him. He himself is unemployed. He told me it was because he didn't want to find a job now because he had lots of 'shit' to take care of. But I know it's hard to get a job there in US now (I knew this because he complained chinese stole the jobs from them and US corps give jobs to asia that makes lots of Americans unemployed). And me, from a rich family that give me happy childhood but not try to give me all kinds of shit because of my bf is a foreigner. I moved out one month ago and now struggling through life. It's true that it's not the time for both of us to have things like marriage. Right?

[ray2oo8]

well, if i love someone, i wouldn't mind saying i love you at all.
the real problem is , does the guy really love you.

because i wouldn't say it if i am not really in love ...

[Katherine]

That's what I am concerned. Sometimes I can feel his love. And I'm very sure that he loves me, cares for me. So when I feel sure of that, I may ask him, which will piss him off.

If a guy doesnt love a girl, will he bring her to his best friend's home (they've known each other for 6 years, and I m the only girl he brought there). Will he let her live with him and his brother (he never introduced any girl to his family)? or will he invited her family to dinner before he left the country (they even cannot communicate because of the different languages)? Will he spent hours and hour talking with her on the phone when he hates so much to talk on the phone and even has no mobile? So I'm very confused. He did all those things. But he doesnt want to say LOVE.

[Katherine]

Everytime I asked him:do you still like me? Or "You don't see any girl there, do you?" he will be pissed off and said he hates the stupid questions and he was wasting time on me. And if he doesnt love me, he could just went back to America and cut me off. I have to say I give him lots of troubles but he is still there. Sometimes I think maybe because of my rich family. But now I don't have anything. I was kicked out. Yes I will still get the money because I'm the only child, but that may be 30 or 40 years later. Last month, on the day I left for China, at the airport I could feel his strong emotion but he controlled himself. Sometimes I feel that he doesnt want me to know he loves me.

[Katherine]

oh, here I may miss one important thing. As I said before, I was quite spoiled before and from a good family, get everything that I want. Lots of boys like me, from school or work. They all like me because I'm sensitive, sweet and naive (which my bf likes also but really hates sometimes, i mean being naive). I was surrounded by boys but I never paid any attention to them because I don't like boys that are after girls all the time. They sent me flowers that I just threw away or refused all dinner invitations. He knew all of these, because he used to be there. We used to work together, he saw how those male employees treated me everyday. But he was different from the very beginning. He always gave me a cold face, yelled at me sometimes, he was the first guy that treated me like that. But I was attracted to him. And then fell for him. I only had two boyfriends before him. And I kept myself like a piece of clean white paper. The furthest place we went to is kiss (even without tongue). He knew that too of course. So is it maybe the reason? That he may think once he tells me he loves me, he cannot control anymore or I will not love him anymore because he will become as normal as other guys?

[lastwish]

oh, here I may miss one important thing. As I said before, I was quite spoiled before and from a good family, get everything that I want. Lots of boys like me, from school or work. They all like me because I'm sensitive, sweet and naive (which my bf likes also but really hates sometimes, i mean being naive). I was surrounded by boys but I never paid any attention to them because I don't like boys that are after girls all the time. They sent me flowers that I just threw away or refused all dinner invitations. He knew all of these, because he used to be there. We used to work together, he saw how those male employees treated me everyday. But he was different from the very beginning. He always gave me a cold face, yelled at me sometimes, he was the first guy that treated me like that. But I was attracted to him. And then fell for him. I only had two boyfriends before him. And I kept myself like a piece of clean white paper. The furthest place we went to is kiss (even without tongue). He knew that too of course. So is it maybe the reason? That he may think once he tells me he loves me, he cannot control anymore or I will not love him anymore because he will become as normal as other guys?

Seriously? This guy has a horrible personality. It makes me think that you are that attracted to him because he is the only one who doesn't fully reciprocate your feelings. People want what they can't have. You are tricking yourself to think that he is somehow "special". You want a marriage where he would continue being a cold asshole? Because I wouldn't expect him to change.

[Katherine]

At first, yes. That was the reason. But later, till now, it's not because of that anymore. I love him. Real love. Because if it's not true love, I wouldn't feel that pain when I knew he was not happy. On the first call after I came back from US, I asked him why he looks down and upset, I knew it was probably because I just left, he was alone there again and we had no idea when we could see each other in person again, he answered: nothing to be happy. there isn't anything to be happy. When I heard that, I felt my heart in a sharp pain. But I controlled myself not to cry and tried to cheer him up. Later that night, I cried a river. So, see? It's not because I cannot have him that makes him special, but because I really love him now and all the time.