All guys, please help!

[Katherine]

To Gartlas, I trust him is the key reason. and another reason is i can reach him everytime when I want. Besides, he is living with his brother now and they respect each other a lot and he's kind of his brother's role model, you know. And his brother knows about me and our relationship and I lived with them this summer. So if he has an affair, what his brother may think about him? Umm... also from our sex life.

[adamsapple]

My wife also complains I don't say I love her. I told my wife I I said I love you when we got married, and If things change, I'll let you know.
Just kidding.

Many of us men have that problem, we're bad at expressing our feelings. So that's nothing new. But I think you have bigger issues than that. Frankly, I don't think he deserves you. Find someone that really cares about you.

[Katherine]

If he loves you in his heart and just is reluctant to express it, that's fine. I will still be here for him. But now I think most you guys don't think he really loves me. I need to calm down and think what I should do. Really. I feel like shit now. Before I think he cares for me and loves me, but now after reading your responses, I doubt that.

[Katherine]

Hey you all guys. What about I just don't call him for a while? We always talk on weekends. But from next weekend I will start my study for a certificate and this study will take my whole weekend, Saturday and Sunday, Which means I am not able to talk to him. Shall I tell him about my study and say: hey, see, I cannot talk to you that often from now on. Or tell him nothing about my study just don't call him these days?

I think I have my own problems too that make our relationship kinda of mess now. I am too needy, too clingy most of the time. Want him to pay full of his attention on me. He always blames for not making myself busy. It is true. I even have no mood to paint anymore, and this is my biggest hobby that I have taken for more than 26 years. I lost myself. Just do everything he tells me. Like he told me: if you curl your hair, must look very attractive. I got a perm right away the next day. But others all felt sorry for my beautiful long straight dark hair. So I think there should be a change. What shall I do to change my attitude that can make him think now this girl really changes. She pays attention on her own life now, things like that, to be attractive again.

Thank you very much.

[Cbrider]

Your asking too many "high school" mentality questions to be this deep into a relationship honestly.

I think you need to take a few steps back and get a strong command over the basics of a relationship.

[Katherine]

I guess it's big cultural difference. I'm still using Chinese Way here. So what an american guy needs from a relationship? I mean what kind of woman do you want to see in a relationship, that can make a relationship healthy and make a guy feel attached?

Chinese guys like to have girls that pay whole attention on them, do everything they tell them to do, to make them feel strong. you know?

[Katherine]

I hate long distance relationship!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate living in different spaces and different time. I miss my sweetheart.

[kai]

Since you have said that your boyfriend has a troubled childhood and the way he behaves now, that man has a lot of dignity and is a lot more mature than you are. Like he said he won't do anything for money. I'm like that myself. Also, your comparison to Chinese men who will do any job for money and the type of women they want. You are being screwed in two different cultures.

It's like you are the north pole and he is the south one. Two complete opposites. Opposites attract each other but it's very hard to make them stay together. You're attracted towards him coz he is different. He is way mature than you. If mindset of people don't match then it's really hard to make a relationship work.

He expects you to be mature like him which you can't be since both of you have seen different lives and only the circumstances can make you mature, nothing else. You on the other hand, still kind of behaves like a teenager, like a spoilt kid. You want him to behave like you, which is not possible.

Honestly, I don't see this relationship working even if he marries you coz both of you are so different and have a different view for life.

[Katherine]

So I just end this relationship? No. I can't. Yes. You are right. I realized what you said. That's why I'm changing. I moved out. I live my own life, taking care of myself. I know it's very late for me to do so at the age of 29, but I'm working hard. And he is there all the time, encouraging me. Now I'm trying to focus on my own life, improve myself. Try my best not to depend on him, like call him all the time, text him all the time. It's hard but I'm doing it. I take all kinds of classes to learn useful stuff, like sign language, and teaching chinese as a foreign language. This love really makes me vulnerable but it's normal I guess. I really feel grateful that everyone here takes your precious time to help me out, so I hope I can make this relationship work and I also wish everybody here happiness and sweet love. And I will also post often to let you know the progress of my relationship and share my life with you. Thank you.

[kai]

Ok, your wish.

[IndiReloaded]

If he's not saying it after 2 years, he's not feeling it. Most couples are deciding to marry after this amount of time. Especially at your ages.

Mixed race relationship are hard enough when things are good. This guy isn't fulfilling your needs and you're estranged from your family. I think you are grasping at this guy b/c you are afraid to be totally alone.

Don't be. Make amends with your family. You're long distance anyway with no real hope of a future, so just start distancing yourself and preparing for the break. Its coming, no question.

Sorry we aren't telling you what you want to hear. But we are telling you what you need to hear: this relationship isn't likely going to last. Terribly sorry, but its the truth. Seen this before, many times.

[Katherine]

That's very sad. So he doesn't love me but still keeps me with him. Why doesn't he tell me: I don't love you. Just go get married to someone that cares for you. Why waste my time? Last time when a German guy from work had huge crush on me, I told him and he asked me to tell that guy I was not available anymore. If I don't see any future with a guy, I will not give him any hope. I will just tell him that do not waste time on me. I always did that. It's painful undoubtely but better than keeping him there, right? He will get over the pain sooner or later.

[IndiReloaded]

Oh, lots of reasons. Some guys (girls too) are emotional cowards and let things get so bad that the other person ends it.

Or maybe he's fine with status quo. Why not? You are LDR, right? So how is your relationship really impacting him? Its not like you two share a home and are in each others' space & lives everyday. Except for the odd Skype conversation, he does exactly what he likes all day, the way he likes it.

Part of being an adult is knowing for oneself where the boundaries are. If you aren't getting what you need, its up to you to tell him so. If he can't or won't respond, then you need to decide whether you can tolerate being 'alone, together' or if you need something more he can't give you.

Everyone in long term relationships go through this calculation.

Anyway, one thing I have learned in my time on this rock is this: don't make any decision when you're very upset. When emotions go up, your intelligent decision-making goes down.

Sleep on all this. Think about again tomorrow. See how you feel then. But do think about it. There is definitely an issue here, which is why you knew to post, presumably.

Good luck, Kate.

[Katherine]

If so, he's been selfish. Yes, the status quo has no impact on him, but me...3 years for a girl can be very precious.

[kai]

Try dating some other guy, that's the only option left for you.