should I stay or go ....after 16 years

[Torn]

I have been married for 16 years- 3 beautiful kids. My marriage has been rocky as long as I can remember; we were married because I was pregnant with our daughter. Over the 16 years, my husband cheated on me 3 times with someone I knew. I forgive him everytime but do not seem to be able to forget. My husband is a good provider but hardly spent time with me or the kids. Whenever he is at home, he is either working or on the TV . I felt like a single mom for the past 16 years.

Back to his affairs, I am really hurt by it and want to make the marriage work every time but it was very hard. The 3rd affair hurt me the most as it was someone that we knew for a while and that it lasted 5 years. I asked him a few times if he was having an affair and I took his answer and never questioned it. About 1.5 years ago, the girl he had an affair with called, screamed at me telling me about the affair. I was totally shocked but because she threatened to harm the kids, I stood by my husband. After 2-3 months of nightmare, she finally left us alone. I tried to get over this last affair but got angrier each time. I love him still but not the same way anymore, I was so hurt by all he has done. I have never once cheated on him, not that I am not capable but because I chose not to. For the past 6 months I have been trying to leave knowing that I deserve better. After 16 years, should I just stay for the kids or should I start thinking for myself? Now that he knew he was about to loose me ...he is a changed perfect ...a perfect husband....should I give him a chance even though I dont feel the same way?

[Bumble_bee]

I think you have hung on for as long as you can, it's time now to live for youself, your kids will never hate you for that.

good luck and best wishes

[400ex]

I am kind of young to tell you what you should do I am only 21 but my parents divorced and it was hard. The only reason it was hard because my mom told me from the get-go what was going on when I was only like 5 years old that my dad was having an affair and put me in the middle who I should choose.

This is the absolute wrong thing to do. If you get a divorce just dont tell your kids why tell them a fluffed up lie till they get older.

Just some one from experience on the other side.

[Chupacabras]

IMO this is too big a question with too many variables to get a Dr. Phil bitesized piece of advice from a messageboard.

[Gigabitch]

After 16 years, should I just stay for the kids or should I start thinking for myself?

Would the kids be okay if you left? Is that really your reason? Has it occurred to you that you're setting an example of a very bad marriage for them to follow?

Now that he knew he was about to loose me ...he is a changed perfect ...a perfect husband....

No, he isn't. He's a large pile of bullshit in a nice new wrapper. Give it some time. He'll do it again. THEN you leave.

Get smart, lady. Hire a private detective and a good lawyer.

[jackyd232]

I agree this is a huge problem to give a short answer.

From what you laid out though, it seems like you should leave him. Just because he's temporarily acting like the "perfect husband" does NOT mean he's changed.

Have you ever separated? Leave, stay with family or get your own place and see how he reacts. Make him prove to you that he's changed and he wants you back. He's already failed you 3 times, it's time to do something drastic.

[Torn]

I have no family in this country at all....no support or anywhere I can go to. I cant afford the 3 kids by myself and still need financial support from him.

My oldest, who is almost 16, understands the situation and knows that she never have to choose between us. The two younger boys (12 and 5) - dont know how they will take it.

I am not throwing away my marriage, I have tried and put in more than 100% effort and yet, now I see my husband begging for forgivness, I want to give in and feel sad about it. He never acted this way even after I found out about his 3 affairs...he only now changed cos he knows that he is about to loose me.

I feel lost and yet I need to put my kids first. I hate to be wait for another 10 years ...and realized that I should have left earlier ....

[Gigabitch]

Why didn't you do something about it when you found out about the first affair?

[400ex]

Gigabitch I think you should stop trying to question her like that, it's hard when you have kids. Kids come first when it comes to this sort of thing.. Torn the best thing for you to do is get off the forum and see maybe a psychiatrist some one you can speak to.. Not this forum..

[Torn]

400ex is right. Out of the 3 affairs, twice I was pregnant. I did not leave the first 2 times cos I was a stay at home mom and feel like I cant make it with the kids. When my 2nd kid was in Pre K , I started working. When he had the 3rd affair. she was aggressive and i tried to protect my family, esp my kids. After, I wanted to try for the kids ....they are all i have so I am not sure if I should stay for the kids ....

[Gigabitch]

Gigabitch I think you should stop trying to question her like that, it's hard when you have kids. Kids come first when it comes to this sort of thing.. Torn the best thing for you to do is get off the forum and see maybe a psychiatrist some one you can speak to.. Not this forum..

Do you have kids? I do. Have you ever been divorced? I have.

I know what I'm talking about.

[girl68]

I'm all for the divorce option. Then again I always opt for divorce when someone is debating.

[Rob36]

Too many variables here to give a quick answer.
There are guys out there who have made mistakes,analyze why and are truly sorry for their actions and will do what it takes to get the relationship back on track
I like to think im one of those
But there are bad signs here.
Always difficult when there are kids.If you didnt have them id say ditch him
I started this but i cant actually answer!

Sorry

[Mish]

I don't usually recommend the divorce, but your husband sounds like a piece of shit Torn. I don't think there is any reason why you should trust him.

[CocoChanel]

Why the hell are you asking if you should give him another chance when you are saying that you are not going to throw away your marriage?

Sorry honey but you have the upper hand here. You can demand spousal support from the courts and child support. Get a job and get on your feet. This is one of the reasons why men have control over stay at home mom's because you feel like you are sold to that lifestyle. Learn a trade, and go work! This is no excuse to stay in an marriage like this. If you care about your kids then you should have some self respect.