Your Advice/Opinion on the End of a 6 Year Relationship

[RogerPodacter]

Well this is my second post, though I’ve been reading the forum for a week or so. I wish I came here for advice when my girlfriend and I first broke up, because I might have a better chance with her if I did.

About 5 months ago my girlfriend of 6 years wanted some time apart, saying that she was unhappy and that she needs to figure out what she wants in her life. She said that our relationship was becoming a "habit". Apparently she needs to do her own thing so she can be sure about the forever thing with me.

Well within 2 weeks of our break up, she hooked up with some other guy. It was obviously out in the open between them before we split. For a little while I was OK with it because she said that she had absolutely no intentions of pursuing this guy seriously, and we still talked all the time. She would send me "i luv u" texts and whatnot; it felt like we still had that connection. When they first started hooking up she told him "she still and will always love <my name>, but that we are just gonna take a break"<---famous last words. All her friends thought that we would be fine and I shouldn’t worry, and her family didnt like him (especially her dad). One of her good friends who we went to school with said that if i understand women, I should know that my ex isnt going to "go get married and have kids with some guy who doesnt have the college degree, good job, nice car, etc.” that i have. This guy didnt really do much after high school. He has more of an aggressive, "alpha-male" personality than me. Everywhere he drives he'll drink a beer on the way there, and he also had 2 abortions with his last girlfriend (not sure how I feel on that). But he is really sweet and nice to her, and she likes the way he makes her feel. This dude lives in her neighborhood and has always liked her for years, so I know he was laying it on her really thick right from the beginning.

Below are 3 emails from my ex over the last 4 months. After reading them I'm just curious what other people might think she really means.

This is the first email in response to a letter i wrote to her after i found out about this other guy she hooked up with. In the letter i basically said that i have some respect for myself and i wont be able to just take her back after she is done "figuring out her life", and that i have to move on with my life. I was really angry that she went from me right to someone else within a few weeks, especially after being with me for 6 years.

Your timing is impeccable, as usual. I'm trying to get things done before lunch, and here i am sitting here crying. Here's the deal. I understand how you feel. I love you so much, that i'm not willing to risk us being apart forever so i can try and figure out my life. the truth is that i love you, i always will, i believe that we are meant to be together. you mean the world to me, i've never loved someone so much. and its not worth it to me to lose that. If you want to move on, that's up to you. But say the word, and i wont see anyone else. you are so wrong when you think that i would rather be w/ someone else than you. This has been very hard on me being without you, so believe what you want. I guess i will talk to you later.

Here is another one of her responses. i said that i was angry because i was dumped by my girlfriend of 6 years and didnt even have the opportunity to fix things, and she went right from me to someone else. I implied that i thought it was gone forever.

i dont think its gone forever, but whatever. i didnt give you the opportunity to fix things, bry, b/c my whole reason for doing this was b/c i needed A BREAK. I already know that you could fix things. I still think if/when we get back together things will be much better. i'm not sure if you think that or not. please try to look at this as i do, time away from each other. youre right, lots could happen in a year, but i still think if we are meant to be together then it will happen. and i still think we are. you are still my best friend, none of that has changed. i know you cant look past what you think you know, and i understand that. i would probably be the same way. i just need to figure out what i want in my life, and i think living w/ <her girl friend> and being on my own will help me.

The third email she sent on the day that would have been our 6 year anniversery.

just wanted to let you know that the whole reason for us splitting up still stands. I need this time apart to figure out what to do in the future. I want my time to live w/ <her girl friend>, and also have some fun and chill out before i think about settling down, getting a house, possibly getting married.... and really having to grow up. That's how i feel. I havent lost sight of that. I really think you are putting too much pressure on me to know what i want / or do what you want me to do cause it's convenient for you. i hope that you wont move in w/ <my friends> and then suddenly not care about me cause your doing your own thing. cause that's not what i plan on doing. that's how you make it sound. i just want to chill out for a while that's all. and what i do in my personal life is my business. i know you find it hard to deal w/ that, and that's where i really believe that igonorance is bliss. i know youre gonna go out and hook up and have fun, but please, please dont ever tell me. Just know how i feel about you, and how i have felt about you, ultimately has not changed. i think we're just going thru a sort of transitional period; on our way to becoming real adults who will have real responsibilities. i just want to hold on to the kid part a little longer. i never meant for you to hurt the way you have been. i do love being with you, and i hope that we can get that back. i guess that part is up to you, since you think you will always have so much resentment. it's really scary. but no matter how scary it is, i cant be pressured to make decisions about us; about how we will be or whatever. i hope you can try to understand. i do understand what you are going through, i just wish you hadnt taken it as hard as you have, because it's obvious that i havent. i still have that 'everything will be okay' attitude, and i know you are not so sure, and that really scares me too. i'm just confused and dont know what i should do. i hope this gets easier.

About 3 weeks ago i ended up staying at her place (because i asked to see her, stupid move). I told my ex that i still love her, and she said she still loved me. She claimed that this "time apart" is starting to work and its making her start to miss me (its almost like she flat out knows that she wants to be with this guy now and get back with me in a year when she's ready to settle down).

The day before i saw her, the close friend of hers told me my ex wanted to end it with this other guy because he was needy and always wanting to see her. Sure enough my ex said the same thing when i saw her that night. This guy stays over every single night of the week. I told her to do whatever made her happy. Well exactly one week later i asked how it went (again, stupid move), and she decided that she wasnt gonna end it with him, and that he is making her happy "for now". She doesnt think she is falling in love with him, though she thinks he's already in love with her. And the same close friend of hers is now telling me that my ex is really happy with this guy, and it might stick for good. she's moved on and i should do the same. So i have cut out all contact. She called a few days ago but i didnt answer the phone. If she really is happy then i am happy for her, but i do want to get back together with her eventually.

Anybody feel like its possible? Was she just stringing me along, or was she really confused? Either way, the only way to get her to want me back is to move on. But the problem is once i do really move on, i will be the one that wont want her back. sucks to know it...

[Soccer2928]

Hi there. You gave me some advice on my problem (a similar situation to yours), and now I can hopefully help you out. It's kind of funny. When my ex broke up with me, she said something very similar to what yours said to you. She said something along the lines of "Don't worry, I know that this break-up will be short and temporary because I will miss you too much and I love you too much." After two and a half months, my ex now says that she not only no longer misses me but she no longer has any feelings left for me. So I definitely know how you feel. Similarly, my ex began dating a guy TWO DAYS after we broke up. Although I don't think she would ever cheat on me, it makes me kind of wonder if things were going on behind my back that I didn't know about. I'm always going to love and care about my ex but I've realized that may be I am better off without her. I mean sure, if she said out of the blue that she wanted to get back together with me I would definitely give it a lot of thought, and we would probably end up together again, but at the same time you have to learn how to be by yourself, and to love yourself. I don't mean this in a demeaning way, but have some respect for yourself and seriously think about what this person is doing to you. She claims to love you more than anything, and she says she wants to spend her entire life with you, but would someone who actually means that really do something like this to you? I don't know your ex so I can't comment on her as a person, but it seems to me that at this point in time she really doesn't have any regard for your feelings, and she is being selfish. Do you really want someone like that for the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with? I think it is awesome that you have decided to cut out all contact with her; it shows a lot of strength. Maybe you are moving on, and when she sees this she might come crawling back to you. Things with this other guy most likely won't work out, and you certainly can't erase a 6-year history in a few months. But it all depends on what you want. Yeah, moving on sucks and it hurts like hell, but it will be the best thing for you. And you never know, if you do move on and she does come back, then there still might be a chance for you. Just a quick story. One of my best friends broke up with her boyfriend almost a year ago. They tried staying friends but it didn't work out. Her ex immediately found a new girlfriend, while she just had fun being single and having the time of her life. She claimed that she had moved on, but in her heart she always wanted her ex back. Just a few days ago, her ex told her that he always wanted to be with her (my best friend) and that he was willing to give up everything (his new girlfriend, etc.) to be with her again. Now, almost a year later, they are working on starting a relationship once again, and things look really bright for them. So it can happen, it just might take some time. Good luck with everything.

[blue]

Well it sounds like she has been completley honest with you and with what she wants to do. The thing is she is trying to figure everything out right now and at the same time make sure that you are still there in case she figures out that she has made a big mistake, so in short she is stringing you along, and that is not right. I am glad that you found the courage and self worth to cut all ties. She might not know it yet but she needs to move on w/o stringing you along because then whats the point of her breakingi off leave her be and make it clear that you want the same.
Continue to severe all ties. Move on. Later on in the future you never know what may happen but i know one thing every thing does happen for a reason.

[Spanaway55]

this is more of an observation, not help sorry, but an observation. Does anyone else notice, all of these "breaks" and "short term breakups" are by the girl?? they always start it it seems. and it looks like they are normally the ones who break the hearts! no offense to you girls. im not pointing out all girls and trying to discrace them, im just pointing out that, most of these problems that are on this board are by somethinga girl has done.....am i the only one seeing this? am i wrong?

[blue]

span i hear what you are saying but men cuse as much heartbreak as girls!

[Rêveur]

I hate to be repetitive, but the previous advice given by blue and soccer2928 can't be any sounder. Yes, everyone is entitled to their happiness but in this case your ex's compromises yours to the point that you really must attempt to detach yourself, at least momentarily. I applaud you for having the wisdom to do so. Your ex is confused, I don't doubt, and probably was scared when in the face of such a huge commitment. You can't get any answers from someone who doesn't know any themselves. At this time I'd concentrate solely on healing yourself. Its best probably not to focus on the far future, since your emotions can change just as hers have over a period of time. If she should later want to rekindle the relationship you can decide at that point what you want, right now I'm sure you have enough conflicting emotions to deal with. Best of luck.

And Span, as funny as it seems I actually had the opposite reaction to this post. I was cynically thinking how his ex seems like a lot of males I know. (No offense to your gender either.)

[Spanaway55]

hahaha, we all have our different situations that back up our opinions!

[GBRaul]

Know why? I think it's because all of us here are just nice guys/girls who get our hearts broken by bastards and bitches who we think the world of.

Nah, that's being a bit too extreme. It's just that many of us came here for advice on a heartbreak, and of course our heartbreaks would be caused by the opposite sex! (Or at least I hope that is the case for all of us ) But the first point I raised does apply in some cases...

[RogerPodacter]

Looking back through her emails, and the fact that we are still not back together, makes me realize that she WAS being honest with the fact that she is confused and doesnt know what she wants. But months ago at the time of everything, i didnt really believe her (bad i know) because i thought she was just using that as an excuse to be with someone else.

You see, back in November 03 we planned on moving in together; she was all about it. But she didnt get a call back from interview she had near my apartment (an hour away from her house). Then again in Feb she brought up moving in together, but i wasnt totally sold on the idea that much, and it showed, so she kinda got turned off and used the line that it was time to "shit or get off the pot". Plus i go back and read instant messages from her from a few months before our split and how much she loved me, and just couldnt really believe that she SUDDENLY didnt know what she wanted in her life, when she loved me so much before we broke up.

And even in the weeks before we split, i could tell something was different, so i asked her a few different times, but she denied that anything was even remotely wrong. she made it sound as if i was crazy for even thinking that, and said certain things during sex that totally reassured me of her love for me. Then she suddenly wanted a break a week later because she was confused and didnt know what she wants??? it didnt add up in my head at the time, and i acted in a really horrible way towards her over it. Thats exactly what drove her away, but i couldnt help it. hind sight is 20-20 though.

[Anthony]

I agree with Rêveur's post, however the fact that she immediately entered into another relationship after breaking away from a six-year long commitment would make me extremely dubious of her trustworthiness. Generally after a commitment like that, I don't believe it should be possible to simply move on after such a short period of time.

[blue]

Listen this is an insinuation but it sounds like she found someone else and was trying to make a clean break before everything blew up in her face, that could be the reson for the confusion, and among the fact that you two have been together for 6 years! You guys were young sometimes people grow out of eachother. So now you will grow with this experince and you will move on and maybe meet someone who deserves you or maybe not for a while but be good to you! Thats most important. Time heals all wounds.

[RogerPodacter]

Listen this is an insinuation but it sounds like she found someone else and was trying to make a clean break before everything blew up in her face, that could be the reson for the confusion, and among the fact that you two have been together for 6 years! You guys were young sometimes people grow out of eachother. So now you will grow with this experince and you will move on and maybe meet someone who deserves you or maybe not for a while but be good to you! Thats most important. Time heals all wounds.

Well i will tell you one thing, i will definitely learn and grow from this. Since she was my first love it was really my first true heartbreak, man was it harsh. i was an absolute mess and didnt want to do anything. i was so depressed. But in a strange way it was probably something that i really needed to experience. I am just hoping it didnt harden me up too much where i wont love and/or open up as much with someone else.

About the confusion, thats what i thought as well Blue. I thought that she really wanted to move on but was trying to spare my feelings. I tried to make things as easy as possible and gave her the opportunity many times by having an honest talk with her once this dude became serious. i specifically said to her "its ok, sometimes people grow apart, its life. Just tell me if you really are happy and moving on and i will be happy for you no matter what." The problem was she kept saying that she didnt think we grew apart, or loved me any less, but she just wanted a break.

You know looking back now without all that raw emotion in the way, the more f*cking pissed off i get at her. Once everything came out in the open she told me that she started having feelings for this guy in January; we split up end of March. I specifically remember starting to feel like her head wasnt totally with me, and i brought it up multiple times asking if she's happy and if everything is OK. And i flat out said that it feels like your head is somewhere else (but said it in a nice way). And in her response she kinda made it seem like i was dead wrong for even thinking that she wasnt happy.

But to make things worse, i hung out with her and this dude at a bar TWO WEEKS before we actually split up. And i totally felt something was weird between them, it was strong enough to really make me f*cking uncomfortable. I had to leave the bar and returned later only to find them not there. I called her phone but got no answer. Went to her house (cause thats the only place i had to stay on the weekends) and waited in her driveway for 1/2 hour, and was just about to go back to my apartment when she pulled up. According to her they were just talking in his driveway about his ex relationship, and i immediately called her out and asked what was going on. (btw i know she wouldnt cheat and that wasnt what i was insinuating, but i at this point i knew something was brewing. in fact she has always said that she would break up with me before cheating). So anyway she got really upset and cried and told me to please not worry, that i had the wrong idea. and then during sex she made very reassuring comments that i was the only one she ever wants, etc. (meanwhile she HAS been unhappy and has had feelings for him since January)

WELL 2 FRIDAYS LATER SHE'S SUDDENLY UNHAPPY AND WANTS TIME APART, AND THEN WITHIN A WEEK OF THAT SHE HOOKED UP WITH THAT DUDE!! Now what did i expect, for her to confess everything the second i demand it? hell no. but when i knew something wasnt right, and I more or less busted her spending time with another guy that wasnt really appropriate if you're not single, its time to be at least a little honest, IMO. she said that she wasnt ready to talk about it the other times when things didnt feel right. it wasnt so much that she lied (to spare my feelings), but she did it in a decieving way with an agenda.

i dont know, maybe i'm just looking into things way too much. all i know is that all that time that i felt like something wasnt right and like someone else, she strongly denied everything like i was crazy. when really my intuition was dead-on-balls accurate and she had really been liking someone for 2 months.

[RogerPodacter]

I agree with Rêveur's post, however the fact that she immediately entered into another relationship after breaking away from a six-year long commitment would make me extremely dubious of her trustworthiness. Generally after a commitment like that, I don't believe it should be possible to simply move on after such a short period of time.

totally agree with you on that. i mean holy f*cking sh*t!! how the hell could she just go right with someone else right after 6 years with me? It has literally taken me 4 1/2 months to feel ready to move on. like what the hell is her family thinking when she is suddenly bringing another guy around only a few weeks after i'm gone. her mom was all worried and asked if we were broken up for good, and of course my ex said of course not.

but anyway the point is i cant just move on like that. not after 6 years, though it might have been different if i did the dumping. but still, out of respect i just need to let my head clear and let things breath.

In fact, there is a girl that i work with who is really cute, and she's an all around great person...Lots of good girlfriend qualities, cool as hell and she's damn cute. i've know her for a little over a year now, though she has a bf of like 3 years. when i was an absolute disaster over my ex she was there for me and whatnot. anyway we both know that we are interested in each other, and its kinda been in the open since even before my break up, and i still didnt want to rush into anything; i just wanted to be single for the first time as an adult.. its almost like respect for yourself, your ex, and for the relationship you just had. ahh who knows, maybe i just took things too hard since she was my first love, it really screwed my head up for a bit. i am only just now ready to move on, and i started getting friendlier with that chick at work. we'll see what happens...a long time ago she wrote a letter to her bf breaking up with him cause she was unhappy. but he completely did a 180 and is trying make her happy, cause he wants to marry her someday, but she doesnt feel that way about him. later i found out that she had someone else in mind when she was dumping him, ME!!