how much is too much flirting?

[Devillish1]

I just registered here but I have been enjoying the various posts for a while now. Most of you have a lot of good things to say and are very honest, sometimes brutally so. That's ok though, because I don't get offended too easily.
Here's my relationship question: I've been with my bf for a few years now. Things are great, of course, except for one thing, (or else why would I be on this forum right?)

He is constantly flirting with other women, both in front of me and I guess you could say, behind my back. It used to never really bother me, I mean, he is a really friendly guy, but he seems to be doing more of it lately. He chats online all the time and makes flirty comments to the women there. He also talks about these other women all the time.

I know all about open communication, etc., I have mentioned this bothers me, he claims that's just how he is and that I used to be ok with it so I can't change my mind now. So I guess my real question is, why do guys do this? How much is too much? I mean, he could blatantly check out other women, look at porn all the time and I could care less, but he makes it more personal by totally flirting/hitting on them!

anyways, thankx for taking time to read and possibly reply. I'm looking forward to joining this forum and threads more!

[Rêveur]

Well first of all, who says you can't change your mind? If he's making you feel uncomfortable in any way you certainly have the right to mention it. I'd even go so far as to say you have the right to demand that he stifle it. Personally (and you might see it differently) I would take it as a sign of disrespect, especially if he's doing it blatantly in front of you. If you make it clear it bugs you that much there should be no reason why he doesn't just chill out.

Not all guys flirt excessively, it really depends on the person and how social they are. I think men and women are equal in this (except men might be slower to take a hint).

I think flirting "too much" is when it starts to make people feel awkward, uncomfortable, or even annoyed, whether the person is the recipient or your significant other. Best of luck to you.

[Devillish1]

Thank you for your thoughtful words Rêveur. I agree with the point you made:

Quote: "Well first of all, who says you can't change your mind?"

I mean, I may think/believe a lot of things at different times of my life. As I get older I hope I get wiser (with experience) and ultimately, I may change my mind about certain things. As I told him, at age 5 I used to like the taste of glue. Now that I am about 20 years older, I have wised up that glue doesn't taste that good. Therefore I changed my mind.

I do take it as disrespect and that's why I brought it up here to see what other opinions are out there.

[Ratfish256]

What the hell! Glue tastes just as good as ever. If all else fails, start flirting with other guys in front of him. Not only will he get a taste of what he does to you, but you may also find someone to fill in for him should thing sour up.

[alicia2601]

bleh! i never thought that payback to someone in any way was ever a good idea. I think it's dumb and childish but thats me! heh And i think everyone changes their mind as they grow older...its a part of growing up and figuring out what you want and who you are. My b/f has changed his mind about alot of things since i've been w/ him. I have too, but not as much as him. It was annoying at first, but now i look back, I understand why it happened.

[Rêveur]

What the hell! Glue tastes just as good as ever. If all else fails, start flirting with other guys in front of him. Not only will he get a taste of what he does to you, but you may also find someone to fill in for him should thing sour up.

Eh, I don't really think that's a good idea. It's probably just a good way to start a fight, and it might come off as childish and then you lose the upper hand in the argument.

Also, (though you've probably already done this) you might consider evaluating the reasons why he constantly flirts. Maybe its an esteem issue, or perhaps (I hesitate to say this because I don't necessarily believe so) he might be interested in seeing other people and he might be using this as a substitute for the 'real deal'? The last is just a quick thought, I'm sure if that really were the case you'd pick up on it in other forms.

[Ratfish256]

If the guy has so little respect for you that he will openly flirt with other wemon in your presence then I don't think it would be childish at all. If my girlfriend started doing that on a regular basis I wouldn't even waste my time doing that I would just drop her. Its not worth being with someone who can't respect you.

[GBRaul]

I think just instantly dropping him would be quite rash. But since you've already talked to him about it I believe he should have at lesat some respect for you and not tell you to "go to hell cos u r not what you used to be". Ok that was bad paraphrasing but you get my idea...

Basically ask yourself: what do you want now? Do you want to continue this relationship with him just hitting on any random gal on the street? Or do you want to just drop him and move on with your life? The choice is yours... Though if you really like him and he changes for the better, you might want to consider getting back together? I don't know...

[Devillish1]

I agree with you alicia2601, as much as payback sounds like the ultimate revenge, it really is childish! One of the few positives that I have found with growing older is that whole wisdom gained with experience, oh yeah, and no more mind games! Well, maybe not as many mind games!



Besides, he's changed his mind about a lot of things too. maybe I just need to remind him of that.

[Devillish1]

Thanks for your input Rêveur, but I am totally not worried about my bf looking for the 'real deal'. I know without a doubt that he absolutly loves me, I just think he might need reminding of what respect is.

Thank you also for your input Ratfish256 and GBRaul. Perhaps I should clarify...he's not flirting by asking for #'s or anything, it's more his overly friendly way of talking to women when we're out. He's like that with everyone, not just the hot looking chicks. It could be the grandma in the grocery store to our waitress at dinner, at a gas station, online. I do think that "dropping someone" over something like this without even talking about it first or seeing what needs to be done to fix it is a bit drastic. On the other hand, if he did cheat on me, I would be out of there faster than you could blink.

I guess I probably just need to bring it up in a good way and figure things out with him and see what we both would like to happen and what we are both willing to do.

[GBRaul]

Good for u (if he cheats you would be out of there). But if he's just overly friendly, hell I can't imagine how he is with you . Oh well, since you acknowledge he's really like that and you've already told him how you feel about it, I think you can just take things one at a time and see how it goes. (Though I still feel he's being a little unfair by saying that you shouldn't change your mind) But since he's not asking for numbers or anything, I don't really get what you mean by "overly friendly". I mean even friends get each others' numbers!