Unsure - children & husband?

[Elizabeth]

Hi all, I am new to this site and I'm really in need of some advice. My situation is that I have been with my husband for 10 years (married for 3). He is a very considerate and loving man, we get on brilliantly and are best friends, he really is everything I could want in a husband. We have a lovely home, business and share the same goals, ideas and dreams for the future.

HOWEVER...8 months into our marriage he 'cheated' on me with someone from work, this involved several text msgs, flirting and he kissed her twice. It all came out and I was shocked to the core, he was confused for a week or two before coming to his senses and pleading for forgiveness, he was and still is mortified and ashamed of himself and has vowed to spend the rest of his life making it up to me. I decided to try to move on with him and the following year was very hard, I had many doubts about whether I could forgive him and I was hurting very badly.

He did everything possible to make me feel better and was patient with me when I got angry or upset, which seemed to go on for so long even I was getting sick of it. This was 2 years ago and we have got back on track and we have a great relationship now. I feel that by giving him a second chance I made the right decision as to throw everything away for some stupid mistake seemed ridiculous. It may sound like every other story but he is a loving man and he loves me so much. After everything came out he quit his job and worked with my father which must have been hard as obviously my family knew what happened. He now has a better job and we have been great, but now he wants children. I want children too (I'm 27) but I am terrified that the same will happen again but this time with kids in tow.


Basically I know men can be idiots but to know that my caring, intelligent, loving man can also be an idiot is very disconcerting. I dont distrust him in day to day life, I dont worry about him doing it again at this moment in time but I have this fear and this little voice inside my head that says he doesn't deserve for me to give him children, which I know is evil to think (i am very harsh really) but it is there nonetheless. Sometimes we sit and talk about our dreams for our children and I am so happy but then when I am alone just with my thoughts I think I am opening myself up to have my life destroyed as he may do it again in the future and I know I couldnt forgive again. I have told him all of this, he is very understanding and reassures me all the time but still I am unsure.


I would appreciate any advice and particularly if you have been through something similar. Please dont be harsh I know I have painted him to be almost saintlike but he really is an amazing man and I think sometimes- if I break it off with him, someone else will have an amazing husband and father who should have been with me. I almost wish I could fall pregnant accidentally so the decision is made and I could concentrate on my future - do you think this is indicative? Thank you for reading.

[Primo]

Elizabeth, just to be sure we're on the same page here. The extent of the cheating was flirting, texting and kissing, they didn't have sexual relations of any kind?

[vashti]

^^ that's how I understood it, too.

I think you are being a little ridiculous, Elizabeth. For how long do you plan to be punitive? A regretted kiss during 10 years of stability is really worth all the drama you're clinging to?

[Elizabeth]

No they didn't have sex of any kind. I know I'm being OTT - I just needed someone else to tell me. So thank you.

[Gigabitch]

Yes, you're being silly. I understand your feelings on the matter, as I, myself, am also painfully neurotic and hypervigilant.

Come to terms with the fact that having kids with ANYONE is a huge emotional risk. Your husband's dumbass mistake is just the "devil you know". If you had kids with someone else, he'd be sure to have weaknesses too and you wouldn't necessarily even know what they were.

What would you do if he did something like this again, even if you had kids together? Would you leave him? If so, I suggest you make sure that you don't find yourself in a circumstance that would make that impossible (i.e. moving away from family or losing all of your financial independence). It's a lot easier to be confident when you come from a position of strength.

I know that having kids renders you pretty helpless, at least for a few years, but you're not alone in life. If your husband screwed up, your dad would help you, right?

[Primo]

It's definitely forgivable Elizabeth, and he's been a good boy for over 2 years now. From the sounds of it you've been together since High School and curiosity is part of life. Sounds like he got too close to this woman and was tempted by the "what if".

You know him best because you're with him everyday, but nothing really sounds bad. Looks like it was a minor discretion that was able to be repaired and the relationship salvaged. I'd say you two are pretty lucky because most minor discretions spin out of control and the relationship ends badly.

[Mish]

Basically I know men can be idiots but to know that my caring, intelligent, loving man can also be an idiot is very disconcerting. I dont distrust him in day to day life, I dont worry about him doing it again at this moment in time but I have this fear and this little voice inside my head that says he doesn't deserve for me to give him children, which I know is evil to think (i am very harsh really) but it is there nonetheless. Sometimes we sit and talk about our dreams for our children and I am so happy but then when I am alone just with my thoughts I think I am opening myself up to have my life destroyed as he may do it again in the future and I know I couldnt forgive again. I have told him all of this, he is very understanding and reassures me all the time but still I am unsure.

I guess you need to decide for yourself if you are ready to take this risk with him or not. But you have to make sure to go one way or the other, seating on the fence will be the worst choice and the worst outcome for all of you.

[minnie_an]

Let's give him a chance He knew wat he did wrong to you. Forgiveness is de good word which make de happiness

[damn2008]

It really sounds like he regrets what happened and has been working hard to make it up to you. He quit his job and has moved forward. I think it's time for you to do so as well. You guys have a great relationship and it appears he has taken all the steps to rectify his mistake.

Move forward with him and be happy.

[Elizabeth]

Thank you all for your advice and words of wisdom, I know that I am really very lucky. It is a strange thing when you find a good guy from an early age because it makes you think that all guys are like this which obviously they aren't. I think part of me thinks you are so perfect except.....the indiscretion. So maybe another guy would be 100% absolutely perfect which obviously doesn't exist. As relationship problems go I think I'm pretty lucky. This has really helped me think about how I view the situation and I am very grateful for all your comments - thank you!