He Doesnt Want To Get Married, Wedding in 10 Days

[dom_10_melis]

Let me just give you a brief introduction on us, we've been together for over 2 years, lived together for over 1 year, and have a 9 month old son.


So we get engaged about a year ago, I wanted to wait to get married till next year, but he says he doesnt want to wait....okay fine, we plan the wedding....and it is now 10 days away.


Three days ago we get into it a bit. I was concerned about his bachelor party, I just told him that I didnt want a naked stripper grinding on him and what not because they plan on getting a hotel and a private stripper. Now I NEVER said he is not allowed to have all that naked grinding gross-ness, I just said I didnt want to him to. Never gave him rules, just told him how I felt about it. He comes back with why, you had it...(I had a private male stripper at my party this past weekend, but mind you the stripper did NOT do anything bad to me, only to everyone else...and I had a video and 10 girls to vouch for that). So now he thinks I dont trust him, which is rediculous...because I do, if I didnt then he would not even have been allowed to have a bachelor party. I kept trying to explain to him that having a naked girl grinding on you is not about trust, its about respect....he didnt seem to get that. He was like literally talking to a brick wall...I couldnt get through to him, so I left the house and took the baby with me because he was leaving anyways for work. He gets all mad and says I didnt let him say bye to the baby, which is true, and very wrong of me, but I was in a pissed off hurry to get out of the house. I was really upset and was crying and just needed to breathe.

So the next day everything is awkward, he says that hes not ready to get married, and that hes not sure its what he wants. And says that hes not okay with marrying someone who runs away from their problems (because I left the house). This is out FIRST fight in over 2 years, first one ever! And I said you dont want to marry me now because I left the house when I was upset. It just didnt add up, theres got to be more to it than that. He wont tell me he loves me when we get off the phone, he doesnt touch me, doesnt even look at me. So alot of crying and talking went by, and finally he comes over to me and lays me down and tell me to relax and squeezes me and says that he does want to marry me.

So yay, everything WAS good.

Today when he came home from work, he tells me that he is just not ready, and that he doesnt want to get married to get divorced, I asked him why he thinks were going to get divorced, we get along perfectly, we had one bump in the road and now were planning on getting divorced after we get married, It doesnt make sense. So he asks me why I think it will work out, and I said because I have faith in us. He says that he loves me and wants to be with me, but hes not ready to get married. What does that mean? At first I told him that its now or never, that Im not sticking around waiting. I said if you dont love me enough now to marry me, then how are you gonna love me more down the road and marry me then. But then I came around and said that if I had to wait, I would. I love him more anything....so deep in love.

So I eventually stopped crying, put myself back together and was just playing with the baby putting on a smile for him. He says to me, your not even upset, I said not upset, I said that Ive cried more in the last 2 days then I have in the last 10 years. I said theres nothing left, and he doesnt know how much hes hurting me, but theres nothing else that I can do. Im not going to try and change his mind. Inside im thinking is this all a big joke to him, is his goal to make me be upset and he really does plan on marrying me? If hes not ready, then hes not ready. Then he starts getting all depressed and starts crying and I go over and hug him and kiss him on the forhead and ask him whats wrong, hes just like I dont know what I want. I was like well do you love me, he said yes, very much, and then he said hes just not ready, and why cant we just push the wedding back. I said the wedding is done, the invitations got sent out 2 months ago. I dont understand why hes upset now when hes only doing this to himself.

What am I supposed to do? Is he just having cold feet and he'll get over it? Im so stuck, the wedding is in 10 days and I need to start contacting people about the wedding being canceled, but I dont want to do that and him change his mind about the whole thing.

[qwertz]

I havnt read it all, but the fact that you say 'he would not of even been allowed a bachelor party'
says alot to me. who are you to say hes 'not allowed' one?

[Gigabitch]

It's better to have a boyfriend that doesn't want to get married than a husband that doesn't want to BE married. You're about 10 days away from trading one in for the other.

Postpone the wedding.

[dom_10_melis]

I havnt read it all, but the fact that you say 'he would not of even been allowed a bachelor party'
says alot to me. who are you to say hes 'not allowed' one?

Please read the whole thing before you comment. I did not say that. I was simply using it as an example.

[pelican8575]

I agree with Gigabitch....... you scared him with the not having a stripper thing. Sort of childish from both of you. I definately see your point but I see his. it is a pride thing with him. Imagine telling your boys (friends) your future wife won't let you have a stripper......... that dude is going to loose some serious Rep. points with the guys. but who care about that shit anyway. he is seein just a small part of what being married is about. Is he ready? are you ready? only you can answer that

my ultimate question is what is your Gut telling you right now?????? GO WITH IT!

[Chupacabras]

Guys, take note: this is exactly why you nor anyone going to your bachelor party should ever tell any woman what's planned or what happens.

[Gigabitch]

I would just send my brother to the party.

[Chupacabras]

I would just send my brother to the party.

Man traitor!

Bachelor party karma's a bitch.

[dom_10_melis]

I agree with Gigabitch....... you scared him with the not having a stripper thing. Sort of childish from both of you. I definately see your point but I see his. it is a pride thing with him. Imagine telling your boys (friends) your future wife won't let you have a stripper......... that dude is going to loose some serious Rep. points with the guys. but who care about that shit anyway. he is seein just a small part of what being married is about. Is he ready? are you ready? only you can answer that

my ultimate question is what is your Gut telling you right now?????? GO WITH IT!

I never told him that he couldnt have a stripper, I just said I would prefer is her naked self wasnt grinding on him. My gut is telling me that I love this man and do want to spend the rest of my life with him for sure. I just dont understand how he can not want to marry me, but want to be with me. I mean dont those 2 go hand in hand? Love and Marriage. If he wanted to keep this relationship bf and gf, then why did he ask me to marry him in the first place, and why did he want to get married so soon and not want to wait. We've been engaged for over a year now, but if things went the way I wanted, we would still have a whole year before we would be getting married.

[pelican8575]

I understand your reasoning ..... completely ! and i agree with you but that is what he hears. as a guy. I dont think you are wrong in what you requested at all...... it is a concern of yours and should be respected fully. I believe if you go into a marriage antisipating a divorce you have doomed the marriage from the start. that is what he said, Right? Then again it could be cold feet. I know it was your first big fight but you have to work these things out without storming out the door. I noticed that you regreted not letting him tell the baby by. but your biggest regret should be from Storming out the door.

Advice: Never go to bed mad at each other and never walk out the door without working things out. if you have to take a break to gather your thoughts the say i need to think about how to approach this with you.

[Mish]

Three days ago we get into it a bit. I was concerned about his bachelor party, I just told him that I didnt want a naked stripper grinding on him and what not because they plan on getting a hotel and a private stripper. Now I NEVER said he is not allowed to have all that naked grinding gross-ness, I just said I didnt want to him to. Never gave him rules, just told him how I felt about it. He comes back with why, you had it...(I had a private male stripper at my party this past weekend, but mind you the stripper did NOT do anything bad to me, only to everyone else...and I had a video and 10 girls to vouch for that).

I think it was a bit hypocritical of you to tell him that you didn't want a naked stripper for his bachelor party when you yourself had one at yours. The particulars of who's grinding against who don't matter. If you disagreed at principal with the whole stripper thing you should have led by example and not had one. The fact that you did and then told him you don't want him to have a stripper at his party painted a picture of a hypocritical and controlling partner and could've been the reason why he's now getting cold feet, he might be scared of more of that happening in the future.

I think you have no choice but to post pone the wedding and begin a slow and painful trust re-building process. It's a good thing this has happened before you tied the knot. Now you have more time to think whether the two of you are really as compatible as you think.

[dom_10_melis]

I think it was a bit hypocritical of you to tell him that you didn't want a naked stripper for his bachelor party when you yourself had one at yours. The particulars of who's grinding against who don't matter. If you disagreed at principal with the whole stripper thing you should have led by example and not had one. The fact that you did and then told him you don't want him to have a stripper at his party painted a picture of a hypocritical and controlling partner and could've been the reason why he's now getting cold feet, he might be scared of more of that happening in the future.

I think you have no choice but to post pone the wedding and begin a slow and painful trust re-building process. It's a good thing this has happened before you tied the knot. Now you have more time to think whether the two of you are really as compatible as you think.

I never said he cant have one, I have no problem with him having a stripper at his party, the only thing that would bother me is if she was grinding on him naked. More or less a look but dont touch kind of deal. Which has nothing to do with trust.

[chump4u]

What you told him about having a stripper, and what he heard from what you told him are different, I think

He trusted you to have a male stripper at your party, and didn't worry that you'd do something "disrespectful" toward him. You returned his trust by telling him that he can't be trusted, and that he has no "respect" for you.

When you two had your first-ever fight over your lack of trust and respect for him, you grabbed his baby and ran.

Just possibly, he's trying to avoid a life of that kind of blame-placing and drama.

He's probably worried that he's about to tie himself to a hypocritical, controlling woman who has just revealed that she'll abandon him at the first sign of trouble. And judging from your post, he might just be right.

[Mish]

I never said he cant have one, I have no problem with him having a stripper at his party, the only thing that would bother me is if she was grinding on him naked. More or less a look but dont touch kind of deal. Which has nothing to do with trust.

If you had a stripper at your party you should not have said anything to him about the stripper at his party at all

[Junket]

I agree.

It's his last hurrah, let him have it.

You should've just let him has his party, and not put any thought into it.