Lack of affection from girlfriend.

[im_erhan]

Hey all,
My name is Erhan, this is my first post here so it's nice to meet you. First thing's first, I am 23, I have been in a relationship with my 22 year old girlfriend for approximately 6 months now.

Situation; I am in the Air Force therefore I am posted approximately 400 miles away from her, which is fine because I drive and see her every weekend, and no - "400" was not a typo.

The issue I am having is that there is lack of affection from my girlfriend, allow me to explain.. As far as "I love you" is concerned, she says it beyond copiously, not forgetting to mention she makes strong use of "xoxo" at the end of most messages (she doesn't do it to other people, i.e. It's not a force of habit). However what gets me is that that's pretty much her limit to affection, she hardly hugs, kisses me first, nor does she compliment me much. Her excuse is "well I don't know how to be affectionate and that's how I was brought up, you know I love you anyway". Also when I mention how she never says my name or whatever, she says "but you know i'm talking to you so what's the point?" (This is when I say "I know you know my name, but it just seems more verbally affectionate if you say it sometimes"). Basically in a nutshell our relationship is very dry in terms of showing affection, well for me anyway.
I am convinced she does love me, we talk about having our future together, and due to our strict up bringings, we both don't drink or go out alot etc, therefore we match in that regard.. Also our family bond is good too, my family likes her and vice versa.
I have told her that either we see a psychologist or we recondisder our relationship (in a nice way) and even though she doesn't want to see one, she is scared to lose me, so she agreed.
I don't know what else to say for the meantime so any advice would be greatful! If you need to gather more detail to assist with my concern feel free to ask.
I look forward to hearing from you, thank you.

[MVPlaya]

Look, she explained her situation very clearly to you: "well I don't know how to be affectionate and that's how I was brought up, you know I love you anyway."

I am the exact same, I am not naturally affectionate. I don't call my friends, I don't normally say I love you, I don't act affectionate. It takes a lot of effort for me, I had to try and practice to become more affectionate, and what helped me was my girlfriend at the time, who wasn't emotionally demanding as much as she would make her needs clear to me. If she needed my attention she knew how to get it, if she wanted my arms around her she would put it around her, she would just initiate and slowly I got better at being affectionate.

Its the same with your girlfriend, you have to show her how to be affectionate. Don't be combative or argumentative, don't put her down because she isn't affectionate, act non-caring about her lack of affection, don't take it personal, and just initiate affectionate behavior. Slowly she'll learn.

Some people are naturally affectionate, and some people are not. You have different personalities, don't put her down for being different than you.

[RonHH]

Dude, I'm like you but I crave the affection and my wife doesn't. I know what your going through. But in my case everything else in my marrage out weighs not having it. Do I feel it missing from my life ? you bet. It's a small price to pay for everything else I have.
In time maybe she will give a little more and you will take a little less.

[happyhippo85]

hey buddy u r not alone really ! but some pple are really like this! " as long as i know he is around, i am happy " serious!

as long as it is not because she is in love with someone else, ( which u said is not since u 2 are deeply in love ) give her some space... what is most impt is at the end of the day, she is there when you REALLY need her.. she stands by u..

but of course it wont hurt to let her know u need affection, show her how and discuss about it.. but NEVER quarrel about it ok all the best buddy

[im_erhan]

Yeah i have acted like it's ok, and just like ronhh there is alot of good in our relationship tht outweighs this problem, but at the end of the day I only need a bit of initial affection from her. On another note i am not smothering her, we have a good ratio to "friend/lover" relationship if you know what i mean.

[Lipp]

Just to add to MVPlaya's post, only being able to see her over the weekend's sort of causes a gap in interaction, and you'd might have to be around and bridge that gap for a while each time before you can be more affectionate.

[ransom_nite]

Initiate it and slowly she will learn and I agree with Lipp in the fact that because you only see her on weekends it affects the interaction between you two.

Unfortunately is took my misses to break up with and be away from me for a few months to finally be affectionate, now she's kinda over affectionate but hey I ain't complaining