White parents and a non white gf

[Mish]

I've been dating my gf for a few months now and the subject of meeting parents casually appears in our conversations. I know that it's only a matter of time before it will happen. I won't deny the fact that it worries me. In the past my parents indicated in no uncertain terms their preferences for a white girlfriend. When these preferences were not met they tended to view the girl I was with, with a strange suspicion making our relationship difficult. I love my parents even though they have some ugly personality traits and I want to do what I can to make sure their relationship with my gf is as frictionless as possible. What are your suggestions that could help me in this endeavor?

[MVPlaya]

I've made it very clear to my parents that I make my decisions in life. Be a man and stand up for yourself. I used to have a similar attitude from my parents, they prefer if I marry a girl of my own race, but they've learned that its not going to happen.

[misombra]

i wouldn't even deal with it. i would not want to meet them and having a partner who's parents couldn't accept me because of my ethnicity would be a deal breaker. but that's just me. maybe your girl is different.

[Lipp]

I got annoyed myself with that while meeting my girlfriend's mom recently went fine my girlfriend also told me that her mother believed it was just puppy love.

I reckon that the best way to get around it would be to, well, almost force the chances for them to be around your girlfriend and trying to make it comfortable and relaxed. Racial opinions usually run deep and are best taken care of by being proven all-out wrong than letting it sit on the sidelines, which might happen if they only get to see her once or twice in a formal setting.

And if reconciliation doesn't work you pretty much have to go for exclusion.

[IndiReloaded]

Mish, just highlight all the great qualities of your lady. Don't even mention skin colour. That can come out as a 'by the way'.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but if your lady is a classy, six-figure CEO/MD/lawyer, etc gal who feeds the poor on weekends and plans to job share/work from home in order to raise your children b/c its important... well, you get the idea.

[ecojeanne]

that is tough. my dad was the same for a long time. thankfully because of my strong views he has stopped having any kind of issue with it. mom brought me up to care about equality. she came from a completely different background to my dad. so in a way it did make it easier to win my arguments with him. i never dated anyone deemed unnaceptable and brought them home, i chose not to tell him about my ex. but i know that now he would accept my decision, i think in some ways age of the parent does help. you just have to ease them into the idea. making a point about it will likely end up with conflict. have a few conversations about the quality of differences. it helps to get them used to the idea of the possibility before it becomes reality in their eyes.

[Lipp]

Being financially independent sure helps.

I have an Indian friend of mine who's family is from the Kalash ethnicity (considering themselves Indo-Aryan because of ancestry with Alexander the Great's army) who keeps his relationship a secret because his family can't accept his current girlfriend who is from the south of India because they are afraid that their Aryan ancestry would be lost and people would forget about them.
And pretty much the sole reason why the two of them would have a hard time to make it work in the future is because he's completely reliant on his family, and the problem of losing respect in the community.

You've probably posted it somewhere else, but what specifically are the backgrounds of you two? Might make it easier to pinpoint particular problems that way.

[Gigabitch]

Just make sure she knows you don't share your parents' pigheaded opinions.

[bloodtippedrose]

back in the day
I brought my 1/2 black bf around my mom and racist dad alot
they were nice to him
and eventually saw, hey, this kid isnt going to come round here with his gangsta rap music and impregnate my daughter, but is sweet with good intentions and positive outlook blah blah

youre proud of your gf right? dont hide her, shove her in your parents face and be like "see?! seeee?!" what can they hate about her?

[Bumble_bee]

I had a relationship with a guy, who didn't tell his parents what my ethnic background was....he also didn't tell me what his parents thoughts on the matter were....you can imgaine the look on thier faces.....

I was upset at thier reaction (you could just tell...dnt know how) so I asked him what is was all about...

he told me that they weren't racist, but just not keen on the idea of inter-racial relationships....he thought telling me, or them would make an issue out of something that was not an issue for him, he hoped that both his parents and I would just accept things as they were as what was important in the end is the he and I loved eachother and nothing lese mattered.....

I think he handled it well, he gave both me and his parents the chance to judge for ourselves rather than have these preconcieved ideas about how it would all go because of it. he didn't tell me, becasue he didn't want to get my back up....I didn't know right away what the problem was, but I tried hard to show his parent how much i loved him, and his parents were nice and in the end got to know me for me, rather than arriving with their minds made up about me.

[Gigabitch]

My father suffers from white guilt and didn't like me dating white boys. He got all confused when I had a Hispanic boyfriend in high school, though, because his white guilt was all about Native Americans and blacks.

[misombra]

i just could not be getting with a guy who's parents didn't like brown people. i would not like to thought of as an "example" of how white a brown girl can look and behave. i'm lucky enough that where i'm from you can't turn around without seeing a brown person, so we don't have that problem so much.

[Aeradalia]

I dated a black boy in High School. My parents thought he was a rather decent fellow and never gave me any grief about it. However, his parents wouldn't even let me in the house. His father didn't say much, but his mother gave us both quite the earful of all the things 'my race' ought to feel guilty for and called her son a fool for dating me.

We continued dating for about 3 more weeks after that until he said we needed to break up so he could have some peace at home. There really wasn't much I could say at the time, so I agreed.

Mishanya the people you fall in love with aren't always going to be the kind of people your parents agree with. The only time your parents should ever be right about disagreeing with your choice of people you love is when they have a negative impact on your life (they distract you from becoming a success in life, they hurt you, they bring you down... etc). If they are a positive influence in your life and your parents still disagree with you, then something is wrong on your parents' behalf -- not yours.

Racial tensions will always be present, but it doesn't mean you have to succumb to them -- even from your own family. Do what you know to be right.

[Mish]

They try to make it seem that they only want the best for me. Their suggestions are of the sort "They're not like us, they do things different, so you have to be careful".

I'm thinking of introducing her to them one by one, when there's only one of them present to gauge how they will react to her personality. Maybe if they get to know her in this way it will make it easier for them to accept her.

[bluesummer]

My ex's family assumed from my name that I was from their culture (Punjabi). He never told them I was white, so when he showed them a picture of me months later, they were shocked. They already had good opinions of me, but he said they changed a lot when they found out I was white......so stupid! But they gave me a chance. After two years, even his own Mom said they couldn't have found a Punjabi girl that was as good as me.

He had to stand his ground in the beginning, though. He got angry when people made comments, he called them out on their ignorance. Sometimes that's what you have to do, and eventually they stop seeing things the way they did when your partner proves to be a fantastic person. How can they argue with that?