I lied to girlfriend and now she doesnt trust me

[therealjag]

Hey there,

from the subject line I guess you could say I look guilty as charged, but please read on and provide me with some advice as Im currently in quite a situation...

basically i have been seeing a girl for 6 months now and things have got pretty serious over that time. For the first 4 months it was long distance but we still made it work and now that I've moved closer its been ok.

Basically though throughout the whole time we've been together she has always been insecure about my past. I cant say I've had too many girlfriends, 5-6 but she absolutely hates it when i talk about my past and gets upset - whereas she talks about her ex's all the time.

Also, she always used to question that i was sexually involved with my landlord when i lived away and still always brings this up randomly even though nothing happened.

She also has access to my hotmail and bebo and checks through my emails. She seen that i had prevuiously been signed up to internet dating sites, match.com and gumtree, and wasnt happy about this either obviously...even though i was single at the time.

But just a few days ago i flaked on seeing her becos basically i was tired and couldnt be bothered as i had just seen her for the past 4 days and needed some 'me' time and i lied and said i was just staying at home. in the end i went to my friends house and we played guitar hero for a few hours and during this time she drove round to my house and checked if my car was parked there. obviously it wasnt and she got really upset that i lied to her about not wanting to see her that day.

she wants to see and be with me everyday which has calmed down a bit more recently but her trust issues are really buging me and i feel these will only get worse over time.

she is 20 btw and im 25. she has been cheated on in the past with a few of her bf's, mainly just due to the fact she didnt believe in sex before marriage at the time.

she is a very sweet girl but she always need constant reassurance that i love her through texting and gets emotional quite easily (she was sexually abused when she was young but luckily no more than touching occured, otherwise it could have been a lot worse for her to deal with)...and she adds that as a reason to why she is so insecure.

I really dont know what to do since i am the only person she has ever told that to. should i keep seeing her after everything thats happened and the way that she is or just try and understand her and be there for her?

p.s. she is a Muslim and im a Sikh and this makes it even harder since both our parents are against our being together.

any advice at all would be great.

thanks,

Jag

[therealjag]

is there anyone out there who can offer me some advice? Please

[qwertz]

seriously she needs to get a grip.

Why do you let her have access to your accounts- do you want her to?

I dont think being abused when she was younger can be the blame of her being insecure about you cheating.
You need to tell her that you need your own space, friends and time and she is making things worse by smothering you.

I definately would not be putting up with it, especially as you havnt given her reason to not trust you..and its not exactly a big deal you going to your friends rather than being at home when you had been with her for 4 days!

[therealjag]

Hey querty123,

thanks for replying to me. feels really good to get an outside neutral opinion of the situation...well as neutral as i was able to convey the situation anyway!

Yeah I do feel like she needs to get a grip. I feel her past is putting pressure on me and its not fair because I believe I am genuinly a nice guy and she is putting this untold pressure on me for no reason. It has even changed the way i act towards her because initally i was always lovey dovey but past 2 months i havent been because of the way she is so needy and always untrusting.

I let her have access to my accounts because I feel I have nothing to hide so i dont mind it. Although, due to her having access she seen dialog I had with an ex at the time and she got so jealous over that she was crying on the phone about it. i then had to delete all recorded memory of that girl that i have to prove i dont care for her anymore.

Also since recently i have been acting cold as a result of above...she just keeps calling me an a**hole or a f***ing a**hole or calls me g*y and i think this is just childish and immature and theres no need for it at all. i know for a fact that if i turned around and said mean names to her she would go bonkers and start crying.

Do you think I should just break up with her. The needyness and paranoia is just abnormal i feel, and i think as time goes on it has got worse and will get progressively worser till something really bad happens.

[Bumble_bee]

^^saying that, if it is not a big deal, then why not tell her ''look hun, promised the boys I'd hang with them tonight'' if she doesn't like it, then whatever....I think it is highly possible that the abuse has contributed to this behaviour. why does she have your passwords for crying out loud? Set some boundaries so that she doesn't think she has the right to tell you who,what,when, where....

[qwertz]

**** off brenda!

Only you can decide whether you should break up with her...

But the fact its just getting worse, she sounds a bit like a psycho.

If it were me, i wouldnt be wasting my time and energy satisfying her unrealistic and unfair needs.

[therealjag]

yeah i can see your viewpoints and seems as though I have a tough decision to make. the only other reason she says she wants to see me all the time is the fact that i have to move away again in 5 months time...but even then i will still be able to see her every weekend and its for only 6 months and then im back for good.

it still doesnt explain though why she gets so paranoid and upset over my past, and why she feels the need to find out absolutely everything about me...i know trusting someone is one thing but there wont be any need for her to trust me if she knows everything about me i guess - which would also never work out :S

and yeah Brenda - get to F**K! you annoying cheese eating surrender monkey!!

[Raze]

Why did you give her access to your email accounts? You might as well give her access to your bank accounts. <.<

[girl68]

You're wrong for lieing but she needs pro help. She needs to get the abuse issue shit figured out and none of us including yourself are qualified for such a job. Until that happens her issues will continue to creep up in your relationship.