I might be insane

[YT4lyfe]

and I'm not even sure. I just think about everything in a completely different way then everyone else. I'm not sure if I was always like this or because I really enjoyed standing out every chance that I got to, so I embraced every single instance where I did things differently. I always liked being different.

But back on the whole sanity issue, i don't know.. a lot of people seem to think i make perfect sense. i get pretty good grades in school. i can hold a conversation with just about anyone if i really tried... or wanted to. which brings me to my next issue.

I never try because I'm scared of failure. The majority of my life has pretty much been one giant failure. I was always a loner or one of the less interesting people. And I understand that technically failure is just about as bad as not trying in the first place. And it would make sense to try. But failing really messes with my confidence and self esteem and... everything really. I get all self-hateful and blaming myself for everything i can find.

My theory is that I have anxiety issues that were caused by previous failures in my life. And according to psychology, anxiety issues cause depression and low self-esteem. or are at least correlated to it. and now because I don't trust myself to be good at anything, I'm more predisposed to fail at things that I try to do, which only makes my condition worse.

my other theory is that I might just be over-thinking everything like there's no tomorrow and I'm just ... simply shy... or emotionally unstable.

I DO tend to put too much emphasis on things that later on I realize to be completely unimportant. And a lot of times I can't do things because I think other people will think I'm silly for doing them. that's low-self esteem, no? insanity? illusions of grandeur? am i becoming who I think I'm becoming and will thinking that I'm a completely different person help me behave like a completely different person?

I guess I just want someone to help me figure myself out, cuz I'm not doing too good of a job by myself.

[Gigabitch]

While I am generally a kind person (stop laughing, you assholes), I must tell you that your pathetic worm routine disgusts me.

Sure, you're scared, for the 240 reasons you ritualistically enumerate daily, but I don't care. Let me guess- you've never experienced anything even remotely like actual difficulty, have you?

Get off your ass and go make a life for yourself. You're incredibly self-indulgent and if you didn't have the leisure for all of this self-reflection you'd probably find yourself to be reasonably happy, or at least willing to be pleased.

Choose to change.

[YT4lyfe]

I agree completely. Nor is that the first time I heard that. Far from it actually lol

when i challenge myself and do things that as you say are actually difficult, and i succeed, I move on to even more challenging things. I don't think, i just do. and I keep doing and everything goes in a wonderful perpetual cycle.

it's the little bumps in the road that completely screw me over though. a LOT more so then they should.

does this mean that I'm actually too positive and don't consider the possible failures (that i fail to realize everyone makes sometimes) when making long term plans and by doing that set up my own failure? resulting in disappointment, resulting in self-hate and an even lower self esteem?

I used fail a lot there. lol

and actually, i don't even go through reasons as to why i can't do something. i just have a pretty *crappy* attitude towards things. "why bother?"

I'm guessing I just need to think less and do more. Then I can be satisfied by reaping the rewards of my labor rather then finding minor self-indulgences while I half-ass the work itself.

did any of that make sense?

[Gigabitch]

Yes, but it still sucks. Everybody fails. Most don't embrace that as their mantra.

May I ask, do you smoke pot? If so, you might want to think about putting down the bong for a while. It's not helping. Maybe take up a sport that causes you to exert yourself, get some endorphins going.

What do you say to that?

[YT4lyfe]

a lot less then i used to

and i've actually been getting back into sports. and it helps... for a while.. until i drift back into my previous mindstate. the "why bother?" mentality. yes, probably because it requires no effort.

one of my other issues is: i would suppose that having someone there for me when i need them and would help guide me through the tunnel until i see the light, would really do some good for me. that's probably exactly what i need.

But how do I make this clear to a girl without sounding extremely desperate, which I admit I sort of am? because there seems to be a great misconception out there that people never change. I've completely changed several times in my life. I think it's more a matter of will. How do I get someone to believe me when i say i could be so much more then what i currently am, and that I'll do anything as long as they believe in me?

thanks for your responses by the way.

[Gigabitch]

To me, that would be a dicey proposition. I don't want someone's entire sense of self-worth teetering on my opinion. What if I get annoyed with him? Oh, no. That is not allowed... he might crumble...

That's called emotional blackmail and you should be wary of any girl who is willing to sign up for it.

I think you need someone very even-keeled who can deal with your nervous nellie tendencies without feeding your drama. Eventually, your brain will become habituated to being calm and hopefully she'll reward good behavior.

[Initials]

Are your thought processes under control? If you have some 'inner world' you think about, are you able to -not- think about it?

This different thought process you say you have. Does it hinder you? When your thinking in this thought process, are you less coherent, or less functioning in the real world?

Do you ever exhibit strange behavior? Have you ever had a block of time you simply can't remember, although you were not under the influence of any substances?

I don't know if these questions are relevant to you. I've tried to be general with them, but I'm not a psychiatrist, so I don't know.

[Mish]

I never try because I'm scared of failure. The majority of my life has pretty much been one giant failure.

Can you give us a couple of examples of these alleged giant failures?

[YT4lyfe]

giant failure might be an overstatement. i just never did much in during my younger years and barely made any friends, didn't really develop any hobbies, i just kinda.. cruised through my childhood and watched everyone else experience the world while i played video games and watched TV.

and I'm not so sure about my thought processes. I wouldn't say i go into my own little world, but sometimes i just get extremely negative and self-concious and feel like everyone judging every little thing i do. And I become too scared to do the simplest tasks. But if a friend calls my name, I snap back to normal.. usually.

No, I don't think there was ever a block of time that I couldn't recall. Although most mornings when I wake up, i feel like I'm completely starting over. i kind of forget who i am. it's hard to describe what i mean. I have to go through what I'm doing, why I'm doing it, what's my motivation, why do I want this, why don't I want that, etc. the only times when i don't feel like this is when i barely get any sleep, and everything comes a lot more naturally.

[Initials]

Don't worry then, you are most likely not insane.

You may, however, be suffering from some type of anxiety disorder. The closest anxiety disorder I could find to match your descriptions was social anxiety disorder.

Does this seem fairly accurate?

"Generalized social anxiety disorder typically involves a persistent, intense, and chronic fear of being judged by others and of potentially being embarrassed or humiliated by one's own actions"

It explains what you have said about failure, and your social feelings too. There is a lot more to it, but I'd like to hear if that sounds fairly accurate before continuing on.

[Mish]

giant failure might be an overstatement. i just never did much in during my younger years and barely made any friends, didn't really develop any hobbies, i just kinda.. cruised through my childhood and watched everyone else experience the world while i played video games and watched TV.

and I'm not so sure about my thought processes. I wouldn't say i go into my own little world, but sometimes i just get extremely negative and self-concious and feel like everyone judging every little thing i do. And I become too scared to do the simplest tasks. But if a friend calls my name, I snap back to normal.. usually.

Honestly, I don't think you are much different from majority of people out there. What you describe sounds pretty normal. It sometimes only "seems" that other people are more sane than us, but mostly it's a huge over statement.

[YT4lyfe]

right. that's exactly what it feels like. which is why I said that in my original post. sorry if that sounded condescending.

the other thing is that if I have an extended period of time where I do stuff and it works out, I stop doubting everything. I become more trustful of myself. And I start forgetting that I was ever like this. Which causes me to think that it's all in my head. (but i guess that's what a psychological condition is... isn't it? lol)

for example, this summer I was a completely different person then I am now. I barely see any resemblance other then little details like.. the music I like. and this is ME that I'm talking about. how weird is that?

[Initials]

The exercise thing probably just takes your mind off of the issue, in addition to releasing endorphins or whatever it is exercise releases, I don't remember.

For the record, you've got an anxiety problem. You could probably get a diagnosis and get a prescription that would fix the problem right up, if you didn't want to deal with it yourself.

I don't find it particularly weird, no. Your just changing. A while ago I would only listen to country. Now I listen to rock. Is that insanity? No.

Honestly, I could tell you a little bit about insanity. What you've got is probably part anxiety disorder, part being lazy, and part drugs making the situation worse than it needs to be. You want to hear my insanity story?

[YT4lyfe]

yes please

[YT4lyfe]

btw i think it's just my attitude towards life

complain complain, everything's pointless, why bother, waaa, nobody likes me

and then when people go wtf is his problem i don't want to be this kids friend friend. all he does is complain, i start making excuses for things. and i start diagnosing myself with conditions i don't even have. I'm pretty sure I implanted the whole anxiety thing into my own head. because a few years back i used to think it was depression. and i would lay in bed for half the day and tell myself it's because I'm depressed. But then there were times when i completely forgot about it. it's kinda funny actually. i mess with my own head.

now that i think about it, i did this as a kid too. i pretended to have limitations because life was easier that way.

does that make sense?

I should probably just go to a psychologist and have an expert let me know what's up with me.