Girlfriend doesn't like to be intimate

[wizardox]

Hi everyone, I have been going through something which I don't understand and thought could find some answers here.

I have been with my girlfriend for 4 years. We spent quite a reasonable amount of time together and are happy to be with each other. We often go shopping, watch movies, play games, stroll at the park, celebrate birthdays together. But these are all we do. When she come to my house, we just have kisses on our lips or cheek, like a goodbye kiss. Other than that, we would just watch videos or talk or plan where to go next week together in my room. Occasionally, she would allow me to french kiss her. But usually, she won't like it. Maybe I am lousy at it, I don't know.

Though very seldom, I ever tried to touch her butt and tease her by squeezing her butt lightly. But she says that's inappropriate and was unhappy with what I did. I understand that she may be shy if this is done in public spaces but she isn't happy either when I did this in our room. Sometimes, when I try to touch her thigh and caress her neck or her ear lope, she says it is itchy and pushes me away. There was once when we had french kiss and she seems to enjoy it. I tried to slowly move my hand to her chest, thinking that she might like that. But she pushes me away and was very angry. She said I shouldn't touch those "places" of hers. Of course, I respected and move away back to my computer to do my own things.

I don't know if this is because my girlfriend is totally innocent and pure but she is 22years old now. None of my friends would believe me that I have never done anything more than just kissing to her. But this isn't the main thing. The thing is I really wish that she could enjoy being intimate with me and we can bring our relationship to an even affectionate level.

I am someone who is against sex before marriage and so I am definitely not looking for that with my girlfriend. However, having pettings together should be ok since this technically isn't having sex at all. For the past 4 years, I respected her idea that I should only keep my hands at "proper" places. I don't demand anything from her and we continue to do the usual shopping and whatever activities together. She ever told me that she doesn't even know if she has masturbated before. We just happened to come across that topic. I couldn't ask more from her as she quickly stopped talking on the topic. She always get very agitated when we talk about anything intimate and will often get angry if I continue to prompt her. There was once she told me if all I want is to touch her, go get a prostitute. geez...haha...

I totally respect my girlfriend for not allowing me to get too intimate with her. And I have been this way for the past 4 years and I am still continuing. It is not like I am wanting to be intimate when we know only for a few weeks. It is FOUR years! I don't know if I will ever get overly frustrated. I don't want to be a pervert or a sex maniac but somehow, I am a man and I somewhat have desires. It is kind of a paradox.

Anyway, after so much, to the girls out there, are you the same as my girlfriend? If so, what are you actually thinking in your mind that makes you react this way?

[flea]

I totally respect my girlfriend for not allowing me to get too intimate with her...

why? she obviously has no respect for you or your needs.

at 22, she (well actually, you both) should be way past "oh no, boobie touching is inappropriate!" stage, ESPECIALLY after 4 years together! this is actually pretty laughable man, I don't know how you've put up with it this long.


are you the same age as her?

[Bumble_bee]

yeah something isn't right here.....

[wizardox]

wow...are you guys serious?

Could there be a problem with me? Maybe I am not good at starting the whole thing up? Any tricks on this from the females that often get you worked up?

I always have the idea that probably some girls just have less 'stronger' desires than us man. And I really don't wanna act like some kind of pervert who keeps pestering her to get intimate with me. At the same time, I really want to know deep in her mind the reason why she isn't keen in this. I am starting to imagine when we get married and we only make out when we want to have babies. Then I have to start controlling my desires until we want the next child. Sounds funny, eh? haha...

All my friends who told me about their girlfriend aren't this way. I really want to try to talk to my girlfriend but she ALWAYS get agitated and angry when we talk about anything, anything that has relation to intimacy. That's even when I pointed to an adult shop on the street that we walked pass! She will turn her head away from me and appear to be annoyed. So it is very difficult to even talk to her. This is complicated.

[vashti]

Is she a religious girl? If so, that could be the root of your problem. Many religious girls believe physical intimacy is something to be tolerated only for the sake of having babies. If this is the case for her, you are pretty much screwed, and you may have to find someone who is a little more open to your level of interest.

[wizardox]

The both of us are virgins but we are not the religious kind. More over, I am not looking at having intercourse. Just pettings that make the both of us comfortable and more loving. I don't know why she feels totally uncomfortable when I caress her or touch her gently. I mean like if a girl is gonna touch and caress my thigh for some time, I can definitely feel some thing.

[HienStk]

she's too self conscious. an adult beverage should ease her up. But from the way you makin her out to be, i'm guessing she's against alcohol. dude 4 years and she won't let u go pass kissing? i think there is something wrong on her end. Imagine if u guys get marry. U'll be lucky to even have sex once a month.

[flea]

The both of us are virgins but we are not the religious kind. More over, I am not looking at having intercourse....

that's crap. of course you're looking at having intercourse, and you shouldn't be ashamed of that no matter what your self-righteous girlfriend thinks. it's only natural desires that you have (obviously you find your lady desirable), and I think the more she fights you on this, the worse it will get.

it's been 4 YEARS! this needs to come to a head now, or one of two things will happen: you'll live a life of abject sexual frustration, or this relationship will implode.


sort it out dude, and let us know how you go.

[trisha]

you're girlfriend is one of a kind...but if i were you, i would find someone else who's open to things like intimacy, it's one way of growing up and becoming more mature...

good luck...

[Heratriumphant]

I'd guess there is an underlieing issue, the two that come to mind are she was sexually abused or she's a confused lesbian.

Actually there ARE people who ID as Asexual. I think you need to ask her is she's apposed to sex before marriage or sex in general.

Be honest and gentle,but tell her you're looking to the future and are worried about the idea of a sexless affectionless marriage.

[Initials]

I would tell her what you told us. Tell her that you want to have a conversation, and that it's important, and after four years, you should be able to have a conversation about it.

Don't make it casual. Sit her down and make sure she can't avoid the issue, when nothing else important is going on. If she get's agitated, stay calm. Just tell her you want to see her side of the issue, and, since she won't talk to you, you cant.

You aren't being a sex pervert. You are being normal. This is something normal that you need to discuss, so do it. She might be asexual. She might have some other orientation that prevents her from wanting to get intimate with you. If she's never masturbated (according to you according to her), maybe she is just really inexperienced.

If she is really inexperienced, and doesn't understand anything about sexuality, you might not be the best one to explain things to her (lest you seem like a sexual pervert), but I can't think of who else could. Her parents should have explained things to her before that.

Anyway, I think confronting her, and forcing her to confront the issue, might be the best option. At the very least, if you do, you'll know where you stand, and where you hope to stand in the future. You might even be able to persuade her to try something. And, she might enjoy it, and be more accepting of both of your sexualities. Who knows?

[wizardox]

There was only once that I successfully got to converse with her for like 15mins on this matter. At first I thought of the same as some of you mentioned, that she could have a bad childhood history which she doesn't want anything that could get her recall those moments to happen. I tried to ask her but she firmly assured me that nothing of that such has happened. But after that, she kept quiet throughout the next 10mins or so leaving me the only one talking and persuading her. I talked to her at a public park when we rested on a seat. So it is not as if I would immediately do anything to her if she began to discuss these matters with me.

In some of my random attempts to ask her, she ever told me she has NO desires at all. Seriously, girls out there, do you all really can have no desires? I didn't mention the word sexual desires. I just asked if she ever had desires before since she doesn't masturbates. But she said she has never felt that. At first, I thought maybe girls are not as horny as the men are. I just replied her with a joke that she could be the best priest or nun or sister ever. It could be quite impressive she really has no desires.

Is asexual someone who is a lesbian? I believe she isn't a lesbian because she is attracted to guys. She could be inexperience as what Initials has mentioned. If this is the case, how am I going to start? I am not an experienced one either. But there somehow must be a first time and everyone has a first time too. How did everyone's first time come by?

I don't know how am I going to explain to her as like what you said, I gonna seem like a sexual pervert. And I suppose all parents tell their daughters to get away from guys who only wants to try everything to get into their pants. This concept must have deeply drilled into her. haha...

Anyways, how did everyone's first time come by? Educate me, please. lol.. I am thinking I could start something along this.

[flea]

wo, most peoples first time is a goofy (possibly half-drunk) affair that lasts all of 14 seconds, often times with someone they hardly know, and won't compare at all to your situation.

as I've said a couple of times already, 4 YEARS.....4 FREAKING YEARS MAN!, and she's (you're both?) 22 years old. you two should be dipping your toes into the warm waters of the best sex of your life, not in the throes of a debate about how inappropriate it is!


I wish you luck.

[wizardox]

By the way, I am 24! I ever thought about asking her when we were kissing like "Shall we try petting?" in a teasing manner. Sort of seeking 'permission'. LOL! But I don't know if this is a great turn off since I thought it would be better if everything turns out to be a natural process. But I don't want her to get a big shock again when I move my hands all over her and get angry. This would be safer but would it be a big turn off that could cause what she possibly wanted to become a no way thing?

[vashti]

If she has no curiosity and no sex drive (and yes, it CAN happen), you are going to have to either accept a life of celibacy with her, or move on.