When the Resentment and Anger Kicks In

[RogerPodacter]

I'll admit it, after what my ex gf did to me after 6 damn years together, everything in my head was saying "what are you f*cking crazy to still want this girl back?", but my heart just wouldnt and couldnt let go. Well now that its been almost half a year since the initial "time apart" speach, and 5 months of confusion, misery and heartbreak, its easier for me to look back on what happened from an outsiders point of view with clear eyes. And right now i have nothing but anger and resentment towards her for what happened. Is this normal? I dont want it to be this way. I've always wanted to at least be on speaking terms with an ex girlfriend, maybe even still be friends, especially after a 6 year relationship. But to be honest i simply cant do that with her, at least not right now. And i was finally feeling pretty good about things for a change..now i've got things on the brain again

I saw her sister at the bar Saturday night for the first time since we split up. Of course she hugged me a million times and kissed me on the cheek and said how much she and the family misses me, and that i was like a brother to her and i was practically part of the family. She told me how upset her family was about everything, since they loved me and wanted me and my ex to be together (they hated the new guy my ex started dating). Numerous times throughout the night she asked "are you OK?" (i guess meaning about the break-up), to which every time i answered that i'm fine. Not once did i talk about my ex or the break up, i just acted like nothing ever happened.

But really i'm not ok about it. I'm angry (furious!), resentful and hurt all at the same time. Hearing her sister ask if i'm ok, knowing that i took the break up hard, just made me that much more pissed off (not mad at the sister; she was nothing but sweet). I'm mad at my ex and the fact that after 6 years together, she broke up with me, immediately got with another guy, and turned it around on me saying that i ruined the relationship. She brought up all kinds of stuff that she was unhappy with and tried to make me look like the bad guy, just so she could make herself feel better about practically cheating on me. F*ck her. For the last 5 months she's tried to leave have her cake and eat it too, never saying anything that would burn the bridge with me. She has convincingly lied to me about things, and did it in a devious way for her own agenda. After a quarter of our lives together and this is how she treats me? F*ck her. It would be one thing if we werent a serious couple. But we were more than serious. We were everything in each other's lives. I put 110% of myself into being with that girl. We were practically married and we shared the same life together, friends and family, our spare time, everything. I never met someone who i loved so much and who i could open up and let in, she was the most important presence in my life. And this is how she ends it after all that? She put me in a horrible position. I'm resentful just because i am now stuck being heartbroken over a girl who has forced me to not be able to ever be happy with again. I want my damn life back.

Am i justified for feeling this way? I dont want to respond back to her email. I dont want to be a part of her life, period. i cant. Ignoring her is the only satisfaction i will get. Should i write her back saying how angry and resentful i am towards her, and that i dont want to be a part of her life? My gut instinct is telling me not to, because i could say some mean things. And it just shows her that i am still hurt and not over her.

I'll be honest, i realize that people do fall out of love and become interested in someone else. It happens. But that doesnt make it any easier when it happens to YOU. Dont get me wrong, I ask myself how i would have wanted it to happen that would have made things OK between us, yet i cant think of anything. All i want is the truth. I at least deserve that.

[chillingsr]

I can feel you on this one. I think you have a right to be angry. I wouldn't write a letter to her though, that would just make things even worse. I think about calling her up and yelling at her all the time, but I hold myself back because it may make me feel a little better but it is not going to help the matter.
You put all this time and effort into something, and what did you get out of it? Absolutely nothing. It has only been about 2 months since me and my girl broke up but I am just so resentful towards her. She is acting like it was hell dating me and that her life is so great without me. She has become a totally different person. I look at it as, we spent almost 5 years of our lives together and what do I have to show for that now. A broken heart and 5 years of my life wasted. Not even a friendship can come out of this. It has messed up my life for the past 2 months. I didn't give myself to her for 5 years for it to end like this. Yeah we had some great times and my life was really great. Just like you I put in 110% and most of the time she did too. Just like you we were practically married. She lived at my house for 3 years and became part of the family. I don't think I will ever meet a girl just like her again. We just really clicked together and I was completely comfortable and safe around her. She told me (pretty much engraved it into my head) for 5 years that I meant so much to her, she couldn't live without me, and that we would get married, and that she loved me and my family so much, etc... I know now that all of that sh*t was a lie. If I really meant that much to her, why would she be doing this now? I just hope that one day she has to go through the same thing because then she will know exactly how I felt when she did it to me. I am like 95% positive then I will never have anything to do with this girl again, and that really sucks. I went from feeling completely comfortable and happy to feeling miserable and angry everyday. If they could only live a week in our shoes, I am sure their mindset would change pretty quickly. I have cut contact with my ex for 2 weeks now and she has not picked up the phone to call me or anything. You can IM me at Deeznutz35 if you wanna talk.

[squirrley]

Roger~youre holding onto a lot of resentment rightfully so. When a relationship ends, and not by OUR choice, they make every excuse to fault US. Which is fine, whatever. But, I was in a situation similar to yours a long time ago, thank God a long time ago.
And when that ended, it came as a suprise, and holy hell, another in a few months when he got engaged to someone else. NOW who was feeling all the negative feelings in the world? Yea me. But I left. I left that behind. I wanted to let him know just how bad he hurt me. And I did call him on the carpet for it, months later, when I cooled off and was over it. His last words to me were "please dont hate me".

Im sayin this, dont call her, dont write her back. Its not worth it. You have to let go. If you contact her, she will have the upper hand and walk away with her pride and knowing she won, dont give her the satisifaction youre still angry. You WILL make her wonder about you when you dont contact her. I didnt want that, I wanted it over over, but by not contacting her, you will walk away with your pride. She did the dirty deed, and believe me, when someone like this hurts someone else the way she has, one day her time will come, just have that as solice. You dont need her, you dont need anything about her.

Talk to your friends or family and vent. Eventually time will take away the pain, but first you have to accept what has happened and know it wasnt your fault. And one day you will forgive her, dont have to call her and tell her that, but when youre at a point that you can let go, believe me your world will be much better, and your mental health will certainly benefit from it! And someday, you will look back and do the same thing I do, thank God that youre in that situation anymore.

[RogerPodacter]

Maybe i'll hit you up on IM when i get home from work later. So you're in my shoes as well. I dont know. She should have treated me like a true friend would. But she didnt, at times when i was hurt and had my heart exposed, she should have at least been sincere, or honest. She could have been nice about everything, but she wasnt, she was cold and bitchy, and vindictive. Granted she may have been fed up with me being the sappy, obsessive ex bf. But just like you said, she suddenly acted like it was torture being with me. She still claimed that she loved me, yet she knew that i was in pain because of what she was doing. If you really love someone, and you know that they are in pain because of something that YOU are doing, then you would stop. You dont hurt someone that you really love. Why does she even attempt to call or email me still? she should just leave me alone. Like i am going to reply to her just-checking-up-to-make-sure-you're-ok email. I dont need her pity/sympathy email. NOr even worse, i aint gonna reply to her just-checking-up-to-see-if-you're-still-wrapped-around-my-finger email.

If we grew apart and she fell out of love with me, then tell me that dammit! Even when i tried to make it easy she would just make things worse. At one point i said that i guess we just grew apart and our time with each other was up. But no, she says that her love is still there and that we didnt grow apart, she just wants a break, thats all. I tried to make things easy. I said if she's happy with this other guy then i'm happy for her, but she should tell me that! But no, according to her he was "just kinda there" and nothing serious. Even 3 months after our break, when we were talking about him, she would say how he isnt a person she could or would marry, and how i am "marriage material". What happened? If she wanted to move on with this guy, then she should have told me that! I wouldnt have reduced myself to the sissy that i was over her. And i still havent heard it come from her mouth, i had to hear it from her friend. I just wanted the honest truth.

I think about things that she said to me, things that she said even only 2 months before the break-up. I read an instant message we had back in January, about her saying how very much in love she was with me, and i break down reading it now. i just lose it. she loved me so much and was sincere back then. and it kills me because nothing happened between us that should have ended that.

Sorry, I'm not really a mean person, i'm way too nice. In fact i am the "nice guy", the one who always finishes last.

[Satch]

First of all, your feelings are very normal. Don't beat yourself up for feeling this way. We all feel this way. I feel this way. I go through really angry periods. It got to the point one night where I got home drunk one Friday night and punched a damn hole in my kitchen wall. I'm not a violent person by any means. It just happened.

You want to write a letter expressing all of these negative feelings? Then go ahead. Do it. Just never send it to your ex. I spent night after night composing a letter in my head to my ex. A letter which would have made her feel guilty as hell. A letter explaining to her all the sacrifices that I made to be with her. I lost my marriage, lost all but ONE of my friends, my nice house, car, disappointed my family and my ex wife's family....all to be with my current ex for 2.5 years. Then she turns around and tells me she does not love me anymore. Absolutely gutting. So I wrote that letter, but I did not send it. And I have largely stopped composing the negative thoughts in my head.

Also like you, my ex's sister has told me to keep in contact because her and her bf really like me as a friend. But I even push her sister away sometimes when I tell her how much I miss my ex. Stupid of me....

If you want any chance of getting back together with your ex, you are going to have to be patient and understanding. Display to her that you are getting on with your life. Show her that you have regained your confidence and strength. She may soon turn from "are you still wrapped around my little finger" to "have I lost you???". You just never know what is going to happen in life - that's what makes it so interesting. I just wish I could believe this too, because I am still very hurt as well.

Also, never think that you have wasted years of your life to be with your ex. 1) this is not true - you were with your ex because you were having a good time. You did not waste your time. 2) thinking this way will put you in the wrong mindset to win her back if this is your desire.

It is important that you continue to love your ex 100% if you want them back eventually. This includes accepting that they are with someone else at present. They will be comparing this someone else (new person that they have known for only a fraction of time compared to you) to you in every way. While they might be all shiny and new now, that will soon wear off. If you are still there for them, they will remember the person you were. Once their current partner starts getting annoyed that your ex is still talking to you, this will work in your favour. Who will they turn to, a jealous and possessive person that they have known for 2 minutes, or their caring and understanding ex who they have known for years? You work it out.

Nothing in life is guaranteed, but retain the faith and anything can happen. Go ahead and write that letter, you will feel better for it. Just don't send it.

[Anthony]

After my previous relationship ended at the beginning of May, I can openly state that I have a fair amount of negative feelings towards her. Although I would prefer to never see her again, having moved past that relationship, it's simply not a concern any longer. It makes it easier to deal with, however the underlying anger will still likely be present for as long as I can recall the memories of the reasons we ended that relationship.

I read over your initial post about the break-up and agree with my earlier viewpoint on the subject: You have every right to be angry -- I would be furiously angry.