She's in a relationship. What do I do?

[solsticefall]

There are two girls that I've felt a really strong attraction to. But they both are in long-term relationships (around 2 years).

Side note: I'm going through a divorce and have been emotionally separated for >2 years and physically separated for a little less than one year. The divorce should be final near the beginning of next year. The reason we're getting divorced has nothing to do with the content in this thread.

I haven't seen one of the girls for about a year - but there was definitely attraction from both of us. We went for lunch a few times but I decided not to pursue her because neither of us were available. Recently I've seen pics of her and her bf, and he looks totally aloof - he doesn't put his arm around her in any of the pictures. They look more like siblings than lovers.

I see the other girl maybe a couple times a year, but I know her pretty well. And there's definite attraction on both sides. But she's in a live-in relationship that, by her own admission, is "just okay" (not good, not bad).

The thing is that I've never felt this kind of attraction before - not even to my stbx when we were dating, honestly. It's crazy, I haven't see one girl in nearly a year - I didn't even know her but for a few weeks before that - and I'm *still* thinking about her. It hit me that hard. And it happened to me twice (and I'm very sure it wasn't some rebound-driven thing).

So here's the question: When I am divorced and available, would it be wrong to reconnect with either of these girls - knowing full well that they're in relationships - to see if that attraction still exists? How far do I take it? I mean, just how true is "All is fair in love and war?"

Really this problem reduces to a "how do I live my life" question. I could take the morally-superior approach of "do unto others what you would want others to do unto you" and let it be.

Or I could take the Ayn Rand approach and have no shame in trying to get what I want - it's "the deserving man lets nothing get in his way from taking what he wants" approach. With that approach, I would effectively be trying to steal her heart away from somebody else. And if it doesn't work, then at least I tried.

What is the right way to live? I'm just trying to get the ground rules straight in my mind before I am unleashed into the dating world.

Thanks

[Gigabitch]

You should have some rebound flings before you are ready to determine what you really want. You're in a really weird stage of your life right now- don't mistake it for normal life.

[cheeze_guy]

wow dude like if i could write a book i may have some genius answer but seriously you can go around thinking that maybe it could happen or go make something happen and see where it leads i think that if its meant to be then it will happen but no matter what you need to push to make something happen

[solsticefall]

"You should have some rebound flings before you are ready to determine what you really want. You're in a really weird stage of your life right now- don't mistake it for normal life."

Fair enough. But that doesn't really answer the question.

Whenever I come across these situations in the future, do i respect the relationship boundary and walk away or do I allow the attraction to possibly rip apart the relationship that she already has?

What is fair game and what is not?

[Chupacabras]

Don't mow another mans lawn.

[Gigabitch]

If you went after me while I was in a committed relationship it would show me that you have no respect for commitment and might be likely to cheat in the future. Strike one!

[Primo]

I'm not an all's fair in love and war person, however I do believe if you feel strongly enough about someone that there's no harm in letting them know. People DO breakup, seperate, get divorced etc...you're living proof.

The most I would do is tell them "I think you're an amazing person and if things ever change let me know". If you want a hopeful thought to carry with you, in that case things did change for her and she did look me up.

I hope that answers what you were asking...

[solsticefall]

If you went after me while I was in a committed relationship it would show me that you have no respect for commitment and might be likely to cheat in the future. Strike one!

Really? Even when, out of respect, I waited until my divorce was completed before going back out into the field?

Wouldn't that make it a ball instead of a strike?

[Gigabitch]

That would be respect for your commitment but not for mine. How is this really better?

[IndiReloaded]

I'd recommend staying away unless you KNOW the married gal returns your mutual feelings.

But since you have *two* on the back burner, its clear you're not overly committed to either. You're just looking for validation and lining up your prospects. That's not cool, especially when they are married. Get your head sorted first, as Giga suggests.

[solsticefall]

I see what you're saying... how could i trust someone that i stole away from somebody else? How could i trust her not to ditch me for the next person who comes along? So this is about *her* character as much as it is about mine.

[solsticefall]

I'd recommend staying away unless you KNOW the married gal returns your mutual feelings.

But since you have *two* on the back burner, its clear you're not overly committed to either. You're just looking for validation and lining up your prospects. That's not cool, especially when they are married. Get your head sorted first, as Giga suggests.

Wait, what? The only person who's married is my stbx. Both the others on the "back burner" are not-married.

[IndiReloaded]

Oh, sorry, I didn't read carefully. My bad.

But yes, you understand the point about commitment completely. Its not the same as chasing after a married woman, but there's still that old Monkey Branch theory to contend with. Search the site if you don't know about this.

[DSRangel]

There are so many women in the world, but you are focused on these complicated situations (with drama, potential negativity down the road, lack of trust etc.) instead of getting out into the wider dating world of singles.

Get out into the wider world and start dating to get comfortable with it all again - the girls don't have to be perfect, as you get out there you'll find your feet quicker - and start finding what you do want.

[Bumble_bee]

I would never advise someone to go there, and the fact that you sound like you're window shopping doesn't help either.??

You're not een in love with any of theese ladies, so do not consider bmessing with relationships that only you percieve to bad, unless they are coming to you, crying tellign you what an asshole their bf is, you really should go prowling somewhere else.