Cheated on 6 years ago, only just found out

[Ruined]

I'm coming to terms with the reality that I was cheated on 6 years ago by my partner. We have been together for nearly 12 years now (next month).

At the time I was cheated on, I did know, but I was in a fragile state and I went into very heavy denial about it. She lied to my face every time I confronted her and I wanted to believe her so badly I convinced myself that she was telling me the truth.

Now the truth is out, I know just how far she went and it's broken me up inside so badly I don't know what to do.

Forgive me if this comes across a little scattered.

Around when she started cheating on me, I was happy - I was just starting a new life for myself, quitting a dead end job and starting my own business. She helped me through this process and I was feeling vulnerable, but safe in her arms.
Around this time she met a guy and struck up a friendship with him.
I was wary at the time because I could see she liked him, and while I don't remember the exact timeframe, I told her at one stage that I didn't really like her being friends with him. I did so in a passive and caring way as to not sound controlling or possessive, and yet she responded in a very aggressive way that should have set off alarm bells in my head, but I just thought that perhaps I was being unreasonable.

It turns out that she ended up having a relationship with this guy over the period of several months. She can't remember exactly how long it went on, or how many times she slept with him, but it would have been between 3-6 months, roughly once a week.
She would see him once a week under the pretence of giving him driving lessons (oh the irony), but in fact it was a sex date.

At the time she told me that sex wasn't that important to her, and made me feel bad for wanting sex once a week, if I hadn't pursued it, we wouldn't have been having sex at all, yet she was going out of her way to have sex with another man.

One day I actually followed her, I remember feeling horrible for not trusting her and for being suspicious and that I would look like a complete fool if I saw her in fact giving him driving lessons. During the trip to his house my heart was beating so hard in my chest I felt like I was going to pass out. I remember nothing of the drive there because I was sure she would see me. I wasn't very good at keeping hidden and in fact pulled up behind her several times. She didn't look back once.

When she arrived, I waited a moment, then followed her.
I don't remember what the place looks like or even where it was. I watched her go through his door, then I waited for her to come out.
The next thing I remember is listening to them having sex.
She says she remembers things being peaceful and quiet.
The memories of what I had to hear are not peaceful and quiet.

She did not use protection with him at any time during their relationship.

I KNOW her well, I know what she likes, I know what she does and when I asked her (stupidly) specific questions about what went on, it was clear that she did not draw a line at any point and consider anything "too far" with him.
There are lines that people sometimes don't cross, especially if they feel guilty. She crossed every line. If you can think of something you'd do for your special partner only, she gave that to him.

She says she didn't love him (which I don't believe), although I know that he didn't love her. Their relationship was always limited in time as he was leaving the state.

At one point I'd had enough and I gave her the final ultimatum - I couldn't be with her if she wanted to continue being "friends" with him.
Her first answer : "I guess it's over then".

I cried, but then several hours later she sat me down and said she wanted to make it work.

I asked her, to her face, what had happened. I never told her what I knew, I gave her the chance to tell me the truth.
Furthermore, several times while things were going on I had suspicions and would confront her. Once we went to a bottleshop and the clerk asked her "where's your man?" - she told me I misheard and they said "where's THE man" but I know what I heard.

She lied to my face, and I believed the lies. Those beautiful lies that I so desperately wanted to believe, because the truth was too horrible to accept.
I convinced myself that her lies were the truth, that nothing had happened. That my perfect girl was still perfect in every way.

For the next 6 years, I would have nightmares about what I'd heard, what I knew, but I'd wake up and hold her and believe her lies. I was so desperate to be happy I kept myself in denial.

3 years ago we had a son together. A few months ago we bought a house together.
3 weeks ago, I got drunk and I blurted out that I knew, that I'd followed her, that I'd gone through her laundry and found evidence of him on her underwear.

She finally admitted it to my face, and my world fell apart.

I have come to realise that the girl that I loved is long gone. I've spent the past 6 years loving a lie.

I feel trapped. I love my son, and I love my house, but I feel these are ties that I wouldn't have chosen had I faced the truth 6 years ago.

She feels remorse, sorrow and sadness, but I doubt she feels it the same way I do. She says she loves me and wants to continue having a life with me, but I don't know if I can. She tells me she can't live without me and doesn't want me to leave her, but these words don't have the same effect on me any more.

Every minute of every day is an effort for me, where I used to think of her and smile every 5 minutes, I think of her and feel sick, angry, and a deep, deep sense of loss. I can't look at her, and yet we console each other with sex.

The thought of leaving her only feels like an inconvenience, dividing the last 12 years of our lives up is a lot of work. I also feel that I should give her a chance and that she does really love me, plus we have a son together that would benefit by having loving parents - but I don't know if I can love her again, or forgive her. At the times when it hurts the most, thinking of being away from her actually makes me feel better.
I am a loyal and caring partner, I would not wish these feelings on anyone and I would not leave her high and dry for past mistakes, but I don't know if being with her is right for my heart and my soul any more. I don't want to punish her for what she did, but at the same time I don't believe she has done her penance.

There is at lot more that I can say, but thinking about it all hurts and it's hard to express so much of it.

I don't know what to do, I don't know where to go. I don't know how to feel.


All I feel is ruined.

[flea]

that's harsh mate, I don't know what to say...


I can't understand why how after you HEARD her having sex with him, you didn't bust the door down and tear shit up!! I can honestly say that I couldn't go on the way you have. I guess you could call it admirable to try and hold the show together the way you are, but it's the soul-crushing agony of getting through the day knowing how you've been punked this way is what gets me about this story.

why the hell did you have a kid with someone who kills you this way? I'm sorry dude, but you need to accept some responsibility for this current situation of yours. it should never have gotten as far as kids/houses, but I guess you know that.

I feel for you, good luck.

[bluesummer]

I think this has been eating away at you slowly, like a cancer. That said, the damage is probably done here. You'll never trust her again knowing that she lied to your face for six years and continued to do so until you slapped her with proof. When the trust is gone in a relationship, there's no relationship.

I think you've been in this for six years too long.

[Charlie Boy II]

you sound like a nutter. You quite obviously knew about the affair for the whole six years. Twelve years is a long time. People f-ck up. This situation is easily as much a result of your own weakness as her infedility.

[girl68]

get to theropy and fast.

[vashti]

Oh my god, you sound pathetic. You HEARD her having sex with him, so you obviously knew about it. Quit acting like a wounded victim. You made a choice to forgive her 6 years ago.

Of course, this IS a great piece of information if you wanted to manipulate her, which is what I suspect you are doing.

[Only-virgins]

LoL you heard her having sex with someone else and let it slide? .......aaaaahahahahahahahaha

pair of balls, you have none.

This is the most pathetic post I have ever heard. 12 years of living a lie. Leave her now...concentrate on your son...and start slowly to build your confidence and dignity back up. If I were you I would bring hookers into the house everyday and **** them right in front of her. Be a ****ing man! ****!

Man she even told you that "it is over" when you confronted her about it and you begged her back pretty much. You are no man, I don't know what you are. Oh and I am sure she cheated on you more during the 12 years it is just that you didn't catch her. I would bet money on it. She knows she can get away with it easy as hell.

I'd gone through her laundry and found evidence of him on her underwear.

This part almost tested my gag reflexes.

[Bumble_bee]

I feel for you, but what surprises me is that you woud ask for explanations this far down the line when a) you now share a son together and b) you already knew the answers.

why now? why didn't you have the balls to do all this earlier?

its a pity you had a child before you came to your stupid senses. And I really only hope that you guys can work this out. On the other hand, its a shame really...you're here today because you weren't strong enough to confront her all those years ago.....

you could have got rid of her and she could have carried on her cheating merry ways, and you could have done yourself a favour and built up some sort of self esteem, where you had more respect for yourself then to allow this affair to linger for so long. Instead you let her think she got away with it, and she then thinks she's with a stable, 'always gonna be there' kind of guy, the kind of guy you could have a kid with, and he won't ever leave (look I know this doesn't make her right) and then.... bam....you hit her with the an old ass story about an old ass affair......

[IndiReloaded]

Well, the cheating could fall under 'bygones' considering how long ago it was. Tho, yes, its terrible and she was completely in the wrong for doing it. But the fact you (plural) never addressed it at the time is very strange.

I suspect things aren't going so well in your relationship right now, so its time to dig the dirt out of the closet, right?

Maybe you should just confront her about your issues for YOUR reasons, rather than playing the guilt card with ancient history?

[Gigabitch]

Are you sure that's even your son?

[Chupacabras]

The statute of limitations has run out on this one. It's really too late to call her on the carpet for this as you've known for years.

I've never understood why people pussy-foot around and try to manipulate people into fessing up. If there's something bothering you in a relationship, address it; leaving it to fester like this did neither of you any good.

[Boomting]

Aww Im sorry to hear about that I can understand how you tried to forget that it didnt happen and loved a lie but on the other hand I would of broke that door down! I dont know what to say though you either need to accept that and move on with her if you truely love her and want to make it work or forget her and walk away which is hard as you have a child but she could do it again. Hope all goes well for you though!

[Mish]

3 years ago we had a son together. A few months ago we bought a house together.

You knew she cheated on you and yet 3 years later you had a child with her and bought a house together? if that's not a demonstration of forgiveness then I don't know what is. Whatever went wrong 6 years ago, you should've addressed it back then and no one would have faulted you for dumping her cheating ass back then. But now it seems like it's a little too late. You now have a responsibility to your kid.

[Only-virgins]

Are you sure that's even your son?

Yea I would get a paternity test ASAP.