Can she change? Should I stick it out?

[OpenEyes]

Hello everyone!

I stumbled on this forum and have read quite a few post, but either I'm not that great at searching or what I'm looking for doesn't exist. So, here it is. This is where I'm at and I'd love a non-biased opinion.

I met this girl over the internet on eharmony. She lives 700 miles away and we've both traveled back and forth for the past 6 months. Out of the 6 months, we've spent about 3 months together. I'm 34 and she is 42. We are different in many ways and don't have a lot in common. I'm really easy going and nothing really stresses me out. She is more high strung and has a hard time just relaxing, she's always doing something. I'm much lazier, even though I work a lot and take care of myself, I just don't have the same drive that she does when it comes to taking care of the house, cleaning, etc. We definitely have different personalities, but that doesn't really seem to create too many problems. We've learned to get along pretty well. However, there is one really big issue for me. She had a very rough childhood and was always put on the back burner. The only time she was ever heard was when she got angry and made a big scene. Her mother is still that way and will fly off the handle over little stuff. Consequently, she is unable to communicate her true feelings, even over little things, without getting angry. We will argue over simple stuff, like where we want to go and eat. I could just get in the car and drive around until I found a place, but she is much too rigid to just go with the flow. I found that after being together for a few weeks we would just argue over stupid stuff. I don't feel that I'm the instigator, even though I know that sometimes I go along for the ride when I shouldn't. It got so bad that I actually changed my plane ticket and came home 4 days early because I felt that it just wasn't worth all the tension. This has totally broken her heart because she has never been with someone so easy going and as nice as I am. She has admitted that she knows she has a problem communicating and that she is angry too often. She has signed up for an anger management class and seems to really be willing to change. So, here is my real questiion (finally, I know, thanks for reading!), can she actually change? I want to give her a chance because there are a lot of reasons that I feel we're good for each other, but I'm scared that I'll end up with a bitter angry relationship. What should I do??? Even if she learns from the anger management class, can I actually expect her to be more laid back and be able to communicate her feelings without getting angry?

Thanks a lot for taking the time to read this, it is greatly appreciated!

[FullofSighs]

Her changing solely counts on herself. From what you say, it don't seem like she has a lot of friends, and if she does, none of which she can go to for support for getting through this. So for her to be able to change counts solely on her self discipline and willingness to change. Other than that, nothing else can really be done

[Franklin]

It sounds that she has an anger problem. She should go to counseling to get the help she needs. If you still love her then help her through her counseling.

[girl68]

Of course she can! If she really wants to and works hard at it yeah, she'll imporve her anger management skills. Give her a chance to work it out. ANd if she's willing to talk about it with you do so in order to help her achive her goals.

[Franklin]

Of course she can! If she really wants to and works hard at it yeah, she'll imporve her anger management skills. Give her a chance to work it out. ANd if she's willing to talk about it with you do so in order to help her achive her goals.

I highly agree with you. This will be a long process and it won't happen over night.

[girl68]

True, but it's nice to see her taking a step towards change.

[0fficial]

Time will tell.

As mentioned above the decision lies with her.

Unless she sweeps you off your feet and is really special to your heart.No matter what frequent other women online and in life and see what esle is out there. Experincing other people will give a better understanding of what fulfills you and what is waiting out there for you to grasp.

It would be my opinion that you should ablate(cut) the realtionship and consider other avenues considering two things, one that it is long distance and two that such a deep character flaw is a life long changing process.

I personally know because I have mine and it takes me great effort to keep them minimized and they do slip more often then not and it is quite abrasive on my relationships.


Whatever you do pursue your passion.
I wish you the best of luck

[OpenEyes]

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for all of the great advice. I had the same thought, this change can only happen if she is willing to make the effort and it's entirely up to her. I think I will see how serious she is about bettering herself and take it one day at a time. Time will tell, and for now I'm willing to stick it out for a while longer. Thanks for all the responses!

[psu786]

I agree with everyone, my ex had an anger problem and it wasnt a next day change but i worked with her on that and on us and it got better, it seems like yall really like each other so i say be supportive as possible, and try to not lash back at her as much because its just gonna continue the process. At least it worked for me

[joshbadbreath]

Fellah, if i can add my 2 cents. The answer to your Q is a simple yes she has the ability to change, wether it happens or not is entirely up to her as already mentioned and even though the simple answer is yes the road there will most certianly not be as easy.

Give it a chance, take a risk etc etc. Dont give regret a chance to get ontop of you, give her the chance. Dont wait around forever but if you give it a chance, one last push then you can walk away feeling the loss but at least you know you put that last heave in.

One thing you need to sort out for yourself brother is this (i've been here myself), now that your aware of this and are troubled by this, the anger i mean, dont set the radar for her anger, you will fight with anhybody, which im sure your aware of, but what MIGHT happen is you will get her anger mixed up with day to day tiff's. This might spill over to another person you meet if this doesn't work out. All im saying champion is dont let this influence your thinking for the future.

I've waffled on enough, all the best buddy boy.
Keep it real...!

[OpenEyes]

Great advice guys, thanks for your 2 cents. I particularly like where psu786 said "try to not lash back at her as much because its just gonna continue the process". I've seen myself get caught up in this and you are absolutely right. I'm not typically an angry person at all, but when I let her push my buttons it's not good for either of us. I will remember that this is her issue and not mine.

joshbadbreath, you basically said the same thing, "dont set the radar for her anger". You're right too. If I'm on the defensive then this will just escalate the anger. One of my favorite sayings is one by Depak Chopra (I think), and it's basically this. Object referral vs. self referral. When you look at an "object" for your own happiness then you are subject to many ups and downs. When you look to your "self" then you are in complete control of your own happiness. This is something I work on daily and it completely goes along with what you both have said. Thanks again!